Day 4 of The End of Times Report

Dear Diary,

It is now 4 days ago that the latest China Flu (oddly enough, all of those flus seem to originate in China), the one that’s going to KILL US ALL, FOR REAL THIS TIME™, unlike SARS, MERS, Swine Flu, Chicken Flu, every single flu to ever hit on a yearly basis during what is called, for some reason, “Flu Season”, and the world is clearly coming to an end.

Just the other day, we were trying to navigate our way through the increasingly impassable streets in our Imperial Tank in order to gather fresh supplies of Russkiy Standart and smokes, and we saw a fellow citizen stumbling, zombie-like, down the street, AR-15 in the low ready position, 4,000 rounds of ammo stacked neatly on the rusty Radio Flyer he dragged behind him along with everything he could clear out from the local pharmacy, now that the entire health sector has shut down due to literally hundreds of Americans coming down with the sniffles.

He stopped suddenly, bending over as if in pain, then dropped his pants and proceeded to shit in a bush. We were not alarmed, after all a citizen has to shit, and then it struck us as he, having finished, reached into the tactical backpack he’d bought on Amazon at the very reasonable low-low price of only $799.95 and pulled out a…

We remember ourselves screaming “NO, NO, DON’T DO IT!”, but it was too late. He pulled out a roll of cheap one-ply and, before we could make a move, was swarmed by hordes of zombies tearing him limb from limb in their frenzy to get his last half roll of toilet paper. The screams… They will stay with us forever…

Meanwhile, in the actual real world in which we live, the death toll (helpfully update on an almost hourly basis by our, we’re sure, utterly trustworthy media with no agenda of their own at all, because “bullshit dies in darkness”) has risen to about 60 and change out of a population of 327,000,000. It might be 70 by now, we haven’t checked for the last 30 minutes. Clearly, our entire health care system is about to collapse and we’ll all have to retire to our log cabin fortresses and shoot everything that moves, as no end of normally sane websites will assure you.

After all, THIS particular flu-virus will, as those websites will breathlessly assure us on a regular basis

, we have to wonder if they’re getting commissions from prepper stores, infect anywhere between 70-100% of the population which would, admittedly, be remarkable seeing as how the Black Death and the Spanish Flu only managed to, according to the best numbers we’ve been able to find, infect about 40% and 20% of the population, respectively, at a time when prevention and common sense, not to mention knowledge about how viral infections spread, were basically non-existent.

This is one heck of a virus! Except there is absolutely no actual evidence that it is. At least not if you turn out the “media” and look at the actual numbers, so far. Even the numbers in the epicenter of it which is, again, China (we know, we’re racist for pointing out the fact that 90% of pandemics originate in China because shut up, they explained) don’t even amount to a mild cough.

But hey, who doesn’t like a good panic?

To those of us living in reality, here’s a bit of advice that you’re probably already following already since this isn’t your first flu season: Wash your hands, try not to hang out with people coughing and sneezing constantly, wash your hands again, if you’re feeling poorly DON’T go to work or, at the very least, don’t go visiting with your elderly grandparents you know, much like you wouldn’t do to begin with, if you can help people picking up their groceries DO and, most of all:

DO NOT LISTEN TO THE MEDIA AND TURN OFF YOUR TWATTER AND FARCEBOOK ACCOUNTS FOR THE DURATION.

You’ll thank us later or, alternatively, you’ll be spending months trying to figure out what to do with those pallets of bottled water, toilet paper, lentil beans and suspicious online antibiotics (that won’t do jack and shit against a virus even if they were worth ten times what you paid for them, which we can assure you they won’t be) that you blew your life’s savings on, because you spent your time on social media.

Oh, and one more thing: If you’re even in the slightest concerned about the long term consequences (real ones, mind you, the ones you can learn from history books as opposed to the medical “experts” on social media) of getting a socialist in charge of government after November 3rd, you need to remember that every panic purchase, every panic stock sale you make from here on out will help bring about the pandemonium that the National Socialist Democrat Party and the media (but we repeat ourself) are desperately hoping for as their last chance of seizing power and turning us into Venezuela.

Which is one heck of a lot worse than anything Wu Flu can ever do to us.

Upside of that scenario is, however, that the 12,000 roll of toilet paper you stored in your garage will come in handy after all, as it’ll be the last time you see it in the stores.

Think about that.

Thatisall.