How to NOT do History

Now for something completely apolitical, because G-d knows that we’re getting quite enough of that on a daily basis, thank you very much.

So, we were watching the Hitler Channel’s show “Hunting Hitler”, and…

Now, now, stop laughing. Yes, we know exactly where Hitler went after WWII. He went, after a short stop in a charred hole outside the bunker, to the Soviet Union in what we assume to be an assortment of bags and boxes. That’s not why we were watching it. If anybody is hoping to find out where Hitler really went through watching that show, we’re sorry we spoiled it for you.

No, we watched it because we needed a good laugh, and boy is that show full of them if you’ve ever read a history book for comprehension.

Except, it does go into a lot of interesting details about the post-war Nazi “Spinne” network (their escape plan after the war), so as long as you’re not expecting any fascinating revelations, it’s not a complete waste of time.

So why this post? It’s like this: In one of their many explorations of Hitler’s “escape routes” (which they come back to on a regular basis when they realize that they’re running out of stuff to fill in the episodes with), they’re checking out locations in Norway and Denmark which, for obvious reasons (since we’re from that neck of the woods originally), we found particularly interesting. And even more hysterically laughable.

You see, they were checking out the Vara Batterie (a large coastal artillery installation near Kristiansand at the southern tip of Norway) and were speculating about why the Nazis would build such a HUUUUUUUUUGE gun right there as opposed to, we don’t know, downtown Munich. They also threw in a similar giant battery on the other side of the water in Denmark for good measure. Here’s a picture:

We’ve helpfully marked the two batteries with red circles. The big splash of blue stuff in the middle is the North Sea, specifically the entrance to Skagerrak and Kattegat and on to the Baltic Sea. This will become important shortly. The distance between the two is roughly 40-50 miles, so with some really big guns like that, you’d pretty much be able to throw really big, nasty shells all over that blue area.

So why oh why would the Nazis put up such huge guns right there? Why, according to the History Channel, to protect Hitler’s escape from Europe once the war was lost, of course!!!

We’ll wait while you all try to stop laughing.

Still laughing? OK, other fun fact. Both installations were put there between 1941 and 1944. So as early as 1941, the Germans were already preparing Der Führer’s big escape when the war was lost which, apparently, they’d already decided would be the outcome before they’d even started Barbarossa. Somebody really ought to have told Adolf. Maybe he wouldn’t have invaded the Soviet Union!

Alright, now that you’re done laughing, because you ARE done laughing, aren’t you? At no point, not even with as much as a hint, did they consider that it might be because those batteries covered the entire entrance to the fucking Baltic Sea, which was kind of important to the Germans. What, with a huge portion of their steel and various rare materials being shipped that way. But no. They put those guns up there to keep Adolf safe from… er… Still not quite sure how a big, honking, slow naval gun would help with any of that.

So… Don’t watch the History Channel if you’re looking for, you know, history.

Thatisall.