Our Schadenboner Just Won’t Stop Growing

At which point should we go see a doctor? (Thanks, Ace).

The sense of mourning started to take hold over the weekend, after Attorney General William P. Barr said that Robert S. Mueller III, the special counsel, had not found coordination between President Trump’s campaign and the Russian government’s election interference in 2016.

Over the nearly two years of the Mueller investigation, a segment of liberals and activists built up fervent hopes that it would bring Mr. Trump down.

Not to mention the whole of the Enemedia and about 98% of the Prozi Party in Congress. Don’t be so modest, now.

They We elevated Mr. Mueller, a former F.B.I. director, into an anti-Trump cultural icon, complete with T-shirts, scented candles and holiday-themed songs like “We Wish You a Mueller Christmas.”

You misspelled “we.” We fixed it for you. Because we care. No, we really do!

For some of them us, the report felt like a betrayal. To many others, it was a disappointment.

Your spellchecker wouldn’t happen to be part of the vast number of staff members you clowns have fired over the past two years as your clicks dwindle, would he?

“I was hoping that the truth would come out,” said Shawn Foster, a 45-year-old music video and television producer in Nashville. Mr. Foster had taken to wearing a yellow pin showing the top of the special prosecutor’s head rising like a shark from the sea. Mr. Foster said he was wearing the pin on Sunday when Mr. Barr’s summary of the report came out.

So no Hope, and you spent the last bit of Change you had on a stupid pin?

You’d have to have a heart of stone to not at least giggle at that.

“It is definitely embarrassing,” he said. “It’s a drag knowing there are people out there who are gloating.”

“Gloating” doesn’t even come close. “Laughing hysterically, pointing fingers and rolling on the floor” is closer, but still not quite adequate.

Jennifer Taub, a Vermont Law School professor who had become known for punchy anti-Trump columns with titles like “Yes, Collusion. Now What?” said, “There are definitely people who thought that Mueller would save us.”

“From the Big Bad Orange Man Who Makes us Cry™”

Don’t despair, though. Here’s a suggestion for a title for your next column:

“No Collusion, Still a Twat.”

Ms. Taub said she remained hopeful that Mr. Mueller’s full findings, which have not yet been made public, would somehow contradict the summary given by Mr. Barr. But she said she understands that the legal threshold for proving conspiracy is high.

One of which, one might say the very FIRST of which, is “a conspiracy existing in the first place.” Get to work on that, peasant.

Last week, she posted a picture of herself on Facebook lighting a candle with Mr. Mueller’s face on it.

What she then did with the candle, we refuse to report. This is a family-oriented website, you know.

“I would hope that people who were in this cult of Mueller would have been self-aware or ironic,” she said on Monday.

As an obviously prominent member of said cult, you should be able to at least partially answer that question right away. So, which is it?

Democrats running in the 2018 midterms and the 2020 presidential race have mainly tried to ignore the Russia investigation, focusing instead on policy issues like climate change, universal health care and raising taxes on the wealthy.

The Democrat Prozi Klown Kar Posse of 2020 “mainly tried to ignore” the Kult of Heinrich Müller?

We’d hate to hear what they might have been howling at every camera within three zip codes of themselves if they’d decided to go all in, then.

“Heeresgruppe B, participating in the 1942 offensive Fall Blau, have mainly tried to ignore the allure of the Soviet city of Stalingrad, focusing instead their offensive capabilities on community outreach, knitting and long walks along the Don.”

But that has not stopped certain members of their political base from becoming ultra-fans of Mr. Mueller.

It’s Herr Müller to you, Volksgenosse!

Now, as Mr. Trump and his supporters claim victory, those who had hoped the Mueller investigation would end the Trump presidency are split between feelings of defiance and devastation.

…and the long term complications of fruitless masturbation.

A popular podcast called “Mueller, She Wrote,” which is streamed up to 200,000 times a week, calls its Russia-obsessed fans Muellerites. One of the three hosts, a California comedian who goes by A. G. and has a tattoo of Mr. Mueller’s silhouette on her arm,

That’ll age well, we’re sure. We’d say something like “can’t wait to hear how she’ll explain that one to the grandkids”, but then we remembered that the only thing she’s likely to be surrounded by in old age is a bunch of feral cats. And we don’t think they care either way.

said the community was in what could only be described as a collective state of muted shock.

“I’ve had to talk a couple people off the ledge,” she said.

You know, telling them to take a step forward will also get them off the ledge, you know. Technically speaking.

Just putting it out there…

One fan of the podcast, Anne Craig-Tillmond, said she wants to see the full report before she’s “completely deflated.”

“I’ve been emotionally invested from the start, and was I let down by what Barr said? Absolutely,” Ms. Craig-Tillmond said. “Was I let down by what Mueller said? I don’t know what he said.”

“And I’ll keep saying that until… until… lalala, I can’t hear you!”

Denial is the toughest phase.

“All hail Robert Mueller — through his work we shall be delivered from this ignorance and evil we suffer.” Barbara Llewellyn, a retired real estate agent from Naperville, Ill., had written “Hallelujah” on the page. But by Monday, she had changed her tune.

“I am very disappointed, because I felt that there were so many public instances where Trump acted guilty and tried to shut down the investigation in various ways,” Ms. Llewellyn said.

You “felt.”

“Feewings, whoa-whoa-whoa feeeeeewings…”

You do know what the evidentiary value of feewings are in court, right? No? Didn’t think so, either.

“And I am realizing that this is just Barr’s interpretation of what the report said. And I’m hoping very quickly that Congress gets ahold of it totally unredacted, and we can go from there.”

And by “going from there”, you mean “scope out a new spot to place the goal posts.”

Some All progressive activists have been calling for Mr. Trump’s impeachment almost since before he took office,

It’s getting kinda tedious to do the job of the editor you fired. Hopefully he’s at least learned to code by now.

and billionaire Tom Steyer ran television advertisements with that aim across the country.

While “mainly trying to ignore” his own ads?

…then follows a loong string of denials of Prozis doing what they actually spent the last two years doing. We won’t bore you with that.

Ed Krassenstein, who runs a prominent anti-Trump social media account with his brother, Brian, announced plans for a children’s book last year depicted Mr. Mueller as a superhero — complete with a shirtless, muscular pose. After criticism merciless mockery, the Krassenstein brothers changed the book to a “political parody farce.”

There you go. We’ll bill you later.

Ed Krassenstein said in an interview on Monday that he does not think liberals should regret investing their hopes. “Robert Mueller is still an American hero,” he said.

The kind who never wins. The Prozis’ favorite kind of American hero.

Some Mueller fans say Mr. Barr’s announcement over the weekend is far from the final word. “We haven’t been able to see the report,” said Ruth Story, 75, a former head of the local N.A.A.C.P. chapter in Gulfport, Miss. “We just have Barr’s word, and we knew from the beginning that Barr was determined that nothing would happen. I’m pretty sure that’s why he is now the attorney general.”

His Imperial Majesty hasn’t been able to read the totality of the documentation for the Holocaust either. In spite of this, we’re perfectly willing to go out on a limb and state that it did, indeed, happen.

But with the direction that the Prozi Party is taking nowadays, you’ll probably be questioning that as well before long.

However, back to the subject at hand, we’ll certainly be the last to find anything wrong with you wanting to see the whole document. We’d like to see it too.

As a matter of fact, there’s a positive PILE of documents we’d like to see. Such as all of the FBI and DOJ’s papers regarding Trump and the investigation going back to when it started. Somehow we doubt that we ever will, however.

They probably got burned to ashes in some Reichstag building somewhere.

The little yellow Mueller button that Mr. Foster wore was created by Henry Owings, an Atlanta-area graphic designer, and his friend Rebecca Dudley, an architect and children’s book author and illustrator in Evanston, Ill. On Monday, Ms. Dudley said that they had cranked out a total of 48,000 of the buttons.

And they’d like you all to know that they’re doing very, very well. Thanks for asking.

She also said she was not too disappointed by the Barr letter. “I knew there was no way anything could live up to two years of hype,” she said. “I knew nothing was going to come down like a hammer on the White House.”

“But, you know, those buttons just won’t make and sell themselves, you know. Somebody’s gotta do it.”

Ms. Dudley said she was most interested now in understanding what she called “the difference between Barr’s summary and Mueller’s report” and what may come of other investigations still in progress, including by federal prosecutors in the Southern District of New York.

She said she was also thinking about making new buttons. These, she said, would be emblazoned with “S.D.N.Y.”

Oh we’re sure they will. We’re sure you’ll sell another 48,000 of those too.

Fools and their money, as they say.

Thatisall.