Calm the Fuck Down!

Words that have come out of our mouth as well as, in our formative years, those of others numerous times throughout our life.

Yes, His Imperial Majesty knows that he’s been saying that a lot already during the Chinese Lung Crud pandemic and we make no apologies for it. Moreover, we’re evidently going to find it necessary to do so a lot more before this nonsense is over, if the continued avalanche of “OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” panic mongering all over the media, social and otherwise is anything to go by.

So be it. Those four words are important in this crisis, in any crisis, and we’re here to tell you why.

To start with the over-the-top hysterical prognoses of inevitable global apocalypse, they’re all as cluefuckedly retardedly wrong as it’s possible to be. How wrong remains to be seen, but they’re most assuredly wrong. Why? Because they’re all based on a future that will unfold in a world where everything is exactly as it is now and nothing about the situation will ever change.

Free clue: That’s not how reality works. That’s never been how reality worked. Reality and facts on the ground have a decidedly stubborn habit of changing all the time, sometimes within minutes or hours, and if there is one thing that accelerates that rate of change, it’s a bona fide crisis, which is what he have right now. Don’t believe the Pollyannas either.

Take hydroxy-chloroquinine, for instance. A month ago, nobody included that one in their prognoses, because nobody had thought of it yet or, if they had, nobody knew they had. Back then, the reality facing us all was that we had no way of mitigating the symptoms and morbidity of Chinese Bat Cancer. Now, a short while later, we do.

Taking current conditions and using them as basis for a prognosis of what is certainly, absolutely for sure going to happen is always the wrong approach. Not just most of the time, but always. Because things never stay the same.

So what to do? Sticking to talking about something we know about, we’ll forget about the Peking Plague for a moment and switch to military crises. They’re not all that different, particularly not in how you approach them. So the shit has just unexpectedly hit the fan and those damn Kraut Nazis that we thought were done for are suddenly pouring out of the woods. What the everloving fuck do we do?

First, you quickly gather everything you know about the enemy and, just as importantly, what you have at your disposal. Not what you may or may not have at your disposal three weeks from now, but what you have right now. Then you put your cranial brain group housing into high gear and start coming up with what to do with what you’ve got, being as creative as you possibly can be if necessary, and do something. Then you re-evaluate. It’s sometimes called an OODA loop, and if you get it fucked up, you’re going to be fucked up. Badly.

What do you need to do to minimize getting fucked up and maximize the probability that you’ll come up with a way to effectively deal with the situation as it is now so that you’ll still be around to deal with what you’ll be facing in the fundamentally changed environment of One Hour From Now™?

Simple: You STAY THE FUCK CALM!

You just can’t think at your best and come up with correct responses to a rapidly changing situation if you keep setting your own (and everybody else’s) damn hair on fire while running round in circles

, screaming and crying.

If you do the latter, you end up with the French army of 1940.

If you stay calm, you end up with the U.S. army of 1944.

Pick one.

And ladies? CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS!

Thatisall.