Child Molester With Dirt on Clintons Suddenly Loses Will to Live

Yes, we know, shocking, isn’t it?

Who could have possibly seen this one coming?

We’re not even going to pretend to be saddened that Jeffrey the Pedo Epstein is now residing in Hell where he belongs, it’s just so very convenient that he croaks right now, the day after a whole bunch of documents regarding his previous activities were unsealed, documents naming a lot of names, isn’t it?

And who can possibly fail to be impressed by the professionalism and high standards of the personnel tasked with keeping this extremely high value witness alive until he can spill the beans, all of the beans?

You’d think that they would be on to his suicidal tendencies (if he had any

, some outlets claim that he didn’t at all) after his first, failed attempt, and thus would be a wee bit more on guard after that, right?

Right. And you’d be dead wrong.

Then again, some say that he was just taken off suicide watch (how convenient. And who, dare we ask, made that decision on based on what?).

Then there are stories about cameras suddenly “malfunctioning” just as Epstein was deciding to throw off his mortal coils. They inform prisoners about that nowadays? “Hey, we just lost video feed on you, so you better be on your best behavior and not kill yourself until we can restore it, y’hear?”

Listen, obviously the 48 hour rule applies here as every single bit of info out there seems to be contradicted by at least one other source, but still.

Luckily, we don’t have to worry about that, as we’ve been informed that the Feebs are right on it, promising to find out exactly what happened and if any Feebs made any mistakes.

Alright alRIGHT already, would you please stop laughing?

We’re sure that the very same feds who colluded with a previous administration to overturn a lawful election and conduct a coup will be absolutely SPOTLESS in their investigation this time. Really, we are. They’ve said so themselves and they’re all very honorable men, or so we hear!

***

What did we say about hysterical laughter again? Please, for the love of Jove, try to control yourselves, will you?

Evidence mysteriously getting “lost” all over the shop in 3…2…1…

Thatisall.