The head of the National Park Gestapo has finally told us why he “had” to detain aging tourists under arms in Yellowstone National Park and ferry them out under armed escort, no restroom stops allowed for 2.5 hours, among other indignities ordered by Reichsführer Stompy Foot Hussein during the Long National Nightmare that was ShutdownPocalypse:

The National Park Service director told Congress on Wednesday that he had to shut down the open-air memorials on the Mall during the government shutdown because of terrorism, saying that closing them was the only way to protect them “in a post-9/11 world.”

Director Jonathan B. Jarvis also said his agency had received intelligence showing an increased threat of danger since the shutdown began — though he would not tell two House committees what those warnings were.

Because of course he couldn’t. But it surely had something to do with nonagenarians visiting Yellowstone or WWII vets planning to blow up the WWII memorial erected in their honor. But he can’t tell because NATIONAL SECURITY.

All we need to know is that the immortal heroes of the National Park Gestapo finally found the solution to the terrorist threat that has been eluding us for 12 long years: BARRYCADES!

Just witness the pure genius of his greenshirts preventing the inevitable attack on the World War I memorial:

Not pictured: Hordes of islamic fundamentalist storming the impregnable BarryCades.
Not pictured: Hordes of islamic fundamentalists storming the impregnable BarryCades.

What? Nobody tried to blow up that memorial? Of course not! It worked!

All hail the Greenshirts! If they don’t get a Congressional citation for their heroism under non-fire, there is no justice in this world!


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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