We say “funnies”, because seriously, they are. The same way watching a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football is funny.

Granted, it would be even more funny if our nation didn’t happen to be the actual football, but you get the idea.

1) Princess Barry just got done telling us that we just need to call the hotline if the website doesn’t work. The hotline whose number is 1-800-F1U-CKYO and no, we’re not making that up. At least they get a point for “truth in advertising.” What happened immediately after that? The phone lines melted down. “Who could have FORESEEN?”, said no one ever. But seriously, it gets better: The hapless idiot drone you get to, IF you get to a hapless drone instead of a busy signal or a message saying “we’re currently experiencing an unusually high volume of calls. Please call back in 2035”, will then have to sign you up using, you guessed it, the same website that you couldn’t get to in the first place.

We suppose that the poor drone could then call 1-800-F1U-CKYO too.

“You can’t professionalize unless you federalize”, right, Tom Dasshole?

2) During that same press conference, after three weeks of desperate searches for the Mythical ObamaCare Enrollee™, Comrade Hussein managed to dig up 13, thirteen stage props to stand around behind him. At least he didn’t hand out lab coat costumes to them like he used to. And out of those 13, thirteen, only one had actually managed to enroll in OgabeCare. Two others had managed to get past the 404 screen to the point where they’d actually managed to register an account, but they were definitely “looking forward to shopping for plans”. One day. Maybe. If the $600 million site actually ever works.

Which is truly heroic. Just try to register for a new email account on Yahoo or Gmail and you’ll see how hard that is. Oh fuck, never mind.

3) Not to worry, though. The federal government, shying away from no expense (since you and your great grandchildren’s grandchildren are paying the tab), have brought in the best and brightest in the nation to fix the “glitches” (which is what the Obama Praetorian Media Guard and 85% of the “conservative” media call the worst clusterfuck in IT since they invented AOL call the unrolling 404Disaster that is OgabeCare) that are troubling the Best Healthcare Initiative in the History of the Universe™.

At which point we, having some experience, though not as much as all of the people who happen to agree with us, with project management, have to admit that we broke down in tears because our sides were hurting from laughing harder than any human being should ever have to laugh.

Sure. Hiring More People™ is sure going to speed up the process. Actually, it will. If the reason your project isn’t going forward is that your current team CAN’T go forward. In that particular case, when you need somebody with expertise that your team is not in possession of, you obviously can’t proceed unless you have such a person.

But even in that rare case, or at least it should be rare because what the fuck were you doing starting a project without hiring the subject matter experts you need in the first place?, it is STILL not going to speed your project up. It’s going to slow it down. Because now you have a new batch of outsiders that you have to bring up to speed which means meetings, meetings, more meetings and then some more meetings until you’re ready to slice your gut open with a cheese grater.

And we’re being gracious here, assuming that FedGovCo and the Obama team who couldn’t code straight actually went and got the most ass-kicking IT ninjas that the industry can provide, which is about as likely as His Imperial Majesty winning the lottery fifteen weeks in a row on the same numbers. Most likely, what they DID hire at 6 digit salaries were a bunch of knuckledragging family members, illegitimate nephews and campaign donors who are still struggling to figure out how to set up an auto-reply in Microsoft Outlook.

They still have to be brought up to speed. They still have to have copies of the entire code. They still have to learn just how the gazillion different calls and subroutines work together and then, THEN they have to figure out how to un-fuck FedGovCo’s clusterfuck.

Best of luck with that.

We’re still laughing.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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