(Via Bill Quick)

Once upon a time a crazy motherfucker invaded a school and shot up a bunch of little kids and their teachers. Barely taking the time to say “that’s, you know, bad”, Barack the Bastard and his illegitimate regime did joyously dance in the blood of the still warm, tiny corpses of the children in an attempt to disarm the bitter clingers, lest they one day rise up and drive him and his junta out of power, and verily did he commission the CDC to perform a study proving that guns were the cause of all evil and that the mere presence of one caused little children to drop dead in droves within a 100 mile radius.

For Great Justice!™

Then something funny happened on the way to publication:

Between the years 2000-2010 firearm-related suicides significantly outnumbered homicides for all age groups, annually accounting for 61 percent of the more than 335,600 people who died from firearms related violence in the United States.

Erm, OK. So most firearms-related deaths turned out to be due to people suck starting their gat and not random murders committed by inanimate objects jumping off the night stand and mind controlling their owners into psychotic, homicidal rage. But surely it IS true that most uses of firearms are due to psychotic aggressors, right?

Almost all national survey estimates indicate that defensive gun uses by victims are at least as common as offensive uses by criminals, with estimates of annual uses ranging from about 500,000 to more than 3 million per year, in the context of about 300,000 violent crimes involving firearms in 2008.

Come on, help an illegitimate bastard tyrant out here. What about firearms accidentally murder killing millions of hapless Americans every year because DANGEROUS!!!?

Accidental deaths due to firearms has continued to fall as well, with “the number of unintentional deaths due to firearm-related incidents account[ing] for less than 1 percent of all unintentional fatalities in 2010.”

Listen, you fellers, you’re beginning to piss your lord and master, Barack the Bastard, off here. What happened to “say whatever Ear Leader tells us to say?” Huh?

Alright then. But on to your key finding that “more laws, less crime” is utterly, unequivocally true, right?

Furthermore, the key finding the president was no doubt seeking — that more laws would result in less crime — was missing. The study said that “interventions,” such as background checks and restrictions on firearms and increased penalties for illegal gun use, showed “mixed” results, while “turn-in” programs “are ineffective” in reducing crime. The study noted that most criminals obtained their guns in the underground economy — from friends, family members, or gang members — well outside any influence from gun controls on legitimate gun owners.

WHAT? Criminals who already can’t legally own firearms tend to ignore laws and illegally acquire firearms anyways? Well knock us over with a feather!

Seriously, you guys, you’re going to absolutely LOVE Alaska this time of year once Der Fubar finds out about this.

But nobody, NOBODY can deny that mass shootings are becoming more and more common!

Also, the report noted that mass shootings such as the one in Newtown, Connecticut, have declined and “account for a very small fraction of all firearm-related deaths.”


There was one startling conclusion which, taken at face value, seemed to give the president what he was looking for. The study reported that “the U.S. rate of firearm-related homicide is higher than that of any other industrialized country: 19.5 times higher than the rates in other high-income countries.”

What’s that? Ah! FINALLY! Barack the Bastard was about to sic every single one of his three-letter agencies at your arses. So good to hear that you finally found “reason.”

However, Zara Matheson of the Martin Prosperity Institute, produced a map that compared gun violence rates in the major metropolitan areas of the country to rates of foreign countries. As Graham Noble of Guardian Express noted, “If one were to exclude figures for Illinois, California, New Jersey and Washington, DC, the homicide rate in the United States would be in line with any other country.” These areas, of course, are noted for the most restrictive gun laws in the country, thus negating any opportunity for the president to celebrate the report’s findings.

AARRRRGHHHHHHH! Just you guys WAIT until Barack the Magnificent returns from his 11,275th golf vacation!

And thus the study was simultaneously and utterly ignored by Barack the Bastard and his beloved sockpuppets of propaganda, the OgabeMedia.

This will be the last you’ll ever hear of that study.

Not to mention the ones responsible for thinking that their duty was to do actual science and stick to the facts.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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