Yes, we know that this is what you all have been waiting for. Our new self-appointed guru of responsible and safe firearms ownership, Joe “Choo-Choo” Biden, has once again decided to put some learnin’ to all of us unwashed, extremist, irresponsible, children-hating, murderous, violent (OK, we’ll stop here or we’ll never get to the meat of this post) gun owners who just don’t understand that we don’t know what we really need. Uncle Joe does, however.

As our very own Crunchie already done showed ya, we now know, thanks to Uncle Choo-Choo, that those AR-15s are just too damn inaccurate and hard to wield for the wimmenfolk and that they should instead resort to the much safer, controllable and accurate 12 gauge shotgun. Uncle Choo-Choo says so, so you know it must be true!

We’ve also learned from dear Ol’ Joe that discharging both barrels of a 12 gauge into the air and Bob knows what is the best and safest way to end a threat to your person. Not only does gravity not exist in the real universe that us right wing nutcases pretend to live in, so that buckshot is just going to keep going, harmlessly, through the ether until it hits the Sun or some other celestial body. No, that’s not all, there are also no consequences, legal or otherwise, to unleash a couple of blasts of buckshot willy-nilly into the air inside city limits. It’s not like the neighbors are going to call the cops or anything, nor are the cops likely to mind at all that you just created a local lead shower in the neighborhood when they respond at the scene. And, of course, not to forget that the absolute best way to defend yourself against an unknown threat is to effectively disarm yourself by unloading your weapon in any direction but that of the actual threat.

The murderer/burglar/rapist/child molester is going to politely wait until you reload before proceeding to murdering/burglaring/raping/child molesting.

Because the brightest mind in the country, next to His Holiness King Ogabe, of course, has just said so.

The lurking rapist is absolutely not going to take advantage of you laying defenseless on the ground with a dislocated shoulder and bone your shivering body to death because shut up!!!

Uncle Joe is looking out for you, ladies, and you’d damn well better appreciate it or you’re going to make him all manner of upset and make his hair plugs pop out!

Alright then, now that you’ve stopped laughing hysterically while rolling your eyes, here’s some more advice from Sage Old Joe:

Well, the way in which we measure it is—I think most scholars would say—is that as long as you have a weapon sufficient to be able to provide your self-defense,” Biden said. “I did one of these town-hall meetings on the Internet and one guy said, “Well, what happens when the end days come? What happens when there’s the earthquake? I live in California, and I have to protect myself.”

If you’re somewhere to the right of Josef Stalin and/or have a can of beans left in the pantry, you’d damn well better believe it, but we digress.

I said, “Well, you know, my shotgun will do better for you than your AR-15,

Care to put that to the test, Uncle Joe? OK, we don’t own an AR-15 because of our ridiculously low Imperial Stipend, but we’ll just make do with our even clunkier and more inaccurate PTR-91. You bring your trusty old 12 gauge side-by-side and we’ll see who comes out on top.

Now, as to your advice?

because you want to keep someone away from your house, just fire the shotgun through the door.”

Well fuck us repeatedly with a Moochelle Antoinette action figure, we just realize that all that time we spent studying that silly “gun safety” material that those trigger-happy, murdering extremists from the NRA keep sending us was utterly wasted! “Know your target?” What piffle! What utter rot! What complete poppycock! You hear a sound at the door you just go right ahead and unleash hell through that door. We’re sure that the loved ones of the Domino’s delivery guy that you have to scrape off your doorstep afterwards won’t mind one teensy tiny little bit.

It’s going to be a chore to deprogram all that “Eddie Eagle” nonsense that we’ve indoctrinated our Imperial Heirs with, but we’re up to it! Heaven forbid they should ever hesitate if the doorbell rings and fail to go grab the old Remington 870 and blow the front door right off of its hinges, not giving a solitary shadow of a fuck as to what might be on the other side.

Because Uncle Joe said so!

Most people can handle a shotgun a hell of a lot better than they can a semiautomatic weapon in terms of both their aim and in terms of their ability to deter people coming.

Just watch Crunchie’s video if you don’t believe us, particularly the last bit where that shoulder-killing monster of an AR-15 utterly demolishes the dainty little lady firing it with its Recoil of Doom™!

We can argue whether that’s true or not,

We certainly could, but we’re not in the habit of arguing with imbeciles like yourself, Joey Jackwagon. It’s not that we mind utterly humiliating Idiotarians, we thrive on it and there sure as Vulcan’s right nipple isn’t a shortage of them these days, it’s just that we appreciate a bit of a challenge, and you’re presenting exactly none.

but it is no argument that, for example, a shotgun could do the same job of protecting you.

No? Try it at 200 yards. Care to argue about that, you Bovine Buffoon? No, don’t take our Imperial Word for it. You set up 200 yards away from us with your 12 gauge, we’ll set up with Lyudmila, and we’ll settle which one does the better job of protecting us right then and there. What’s that? We like a challenge? That’s right. We did say that, didn’t we? Alright, make it 400 yards.

Yes, we know, we’re just toying with the retard now. We’ll stop, reluctantly.

That’s all for “Firearms Safety With Uncle Joe” for now, but we’re sure that the Drooling Dickwart™ will be back with more before long.

And we’ll be here, waiting for it. With a big arse grin on our face.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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