Since we’ve nothing better to do than to spend our Labor Day trying to catch up on stuff we don’t normally have time for catching up on — Happy Labor Day, by the way! — we just learned that apparently Nickelodeon is a bunch of retarded fuckwits who don’t know when to fold ’em.

You see, they have this clownshoe named Jason Biggs voicing one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for them (yes, we know, who gives a shit? Anybody with rug rats in the house, that’s who, and we have two of them) and said Biggs and his equally daft twat of a wife like to let their Stoopid hang out on Twitter in quite spectacular ways. Which lots of people do, but theirs is a very Speshul Kind of Teh Stoopid™, the kind that could result in them having pairs of visitors wearing suits showing up unannounced.

Their problem, right? Sure it is, we’re with you on that one too, but then Nickelodeon had to go off the deep end and promote the everloving shit out of his Twitter feed (and, by extension, his wife’s as the two of them can’t seem to resist re-tweeting every single rancid brain turd that the other one strains out of his/her brain group housing) which some “prudes” such as our Imperial Self might consider inappropriate since Nickelodeon’s target demographic is almost exclusively, you know, children.

Yes, we know, you’re still not quite getting what could get your Emperor’s blood pressure up about a couple of cunts tweeting. We’re glad you asked:

If your sweater has buttons and buckles on it, you are very good at sucking dick. #TheBachelorette

My wife @jennyandteets having sexual relations w my sister. Normal? #weekendfun

With picture of one of the two pretending to be munching on the other’s boobs.

Just got emailed another birth announcement. Damn, there are a lot of Jewgly kids in Hollywood.

I’d totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan’s wife’s bleached asshole (she obvs bleaches her asshole). #RNC—

And from his lovely wife:

My husband is nominated for a Teen Choice award which means tons of eighth grader pussy!;0 Please make sure your kids vote!!

Let’s see: General profanity, borderline incest, anti-Semitism, rape and pedophilia. Did we miss anything?

And all of this on a Twitter feed that Nickelodeon is promoting the FUCK out of.

To kids.

Yeah. That’s not going to work out too well, is it?

Did Roman Polanski take them over?

Anyway, needless to say, Nickelodeon is getting righteously bombarded with angry tweets, calls and emails and have been for days, but didn’t see fit to respond until recently, using the tried and true CTRL+V method of “replying”:

We understand your concern and are working on addressing this issue.

Translation: “We’re not going to do or say anything in hopes that this will all go away in a day or two. Oh, and fuck you too.”

We mean, what “work” is needed to “address this issue?” Unless they’re gathering up the stakes, rope, jars of honey and trying to find a suitable anthill, that is.

Ahem: Nickelodeon? “Damage Control?”


There. Much better now.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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