Because, in our infinite Imperial Wisdom, we’ve decided that it might be helpful to explain things in terms so simple that even a liberal might get it.

A tall order, to be sure, but we’re up to it. We are the Emperor, after all, and we didn’t achieve that lofty position just because. OK, so we did, but that’s beside the point. Shut up.

Liberal idiot notion: Capitalism is evil and racist and therefore conservatives, being capitalist, are evil and racist.

Yes, we are capitalists. Very much so. What liberals don’t seem to be able to get through the concrete walls of massive ignorance that they refer to as “their skulls”, is what capitalism is all about. They seem to think it involves stealing from the poor and raping little brown people. It does that too, but only on Tuesdays. When we’re bored.

The thing is, capitalism isn’t “evil” unless you consider “having a job” evil. Which, depending on who you work for, you might, but we digress again. There are companies other than Veridian Dynamics that you could work for, you know. Not that there is anything wrong with Veridian Dynamics. Weaponized pumpkins? Cool! Sorry, we digress once more. Capitalists, commonly referred to as “evil rich people” by those retarded unfortunates living on the cold, barren left slope of the Bell Curve, got that way by coming up with something that everybody would want to buy and then realized that they’d have to hire a bunch of people to make that something because there’s a limit to how many cool gadgets you can churn out in dad’s garage. Those people they hired then got jobs, income (a good thing) and the ability to buy even more of the cool gadgets that their “evil” capitalist boss manufactured.

iPods, iPads, iDildos (they’ll be here any moment), you name it. Oh? We got the attention of the OWSers now? Good.

Anybody who ever got a job working for an unemployable OWSer living in his momma’s basement in spite of a PhD in comparative folk dancing, please raise your hand. Anybody? Bueller? Come ON now!

Alright then.

Then there’s the “racism” charge. Listen, we’re capitalists, OK? We like to get rich. In order to GET rich we require one thing mainly, and that is a bunch of people with enough money to buy whatever it is we’re selling. What color the skin of those individuals have is really no concern of ours, their money smells and tastes just the same whether they’re white, yellow, brown, red, black or polka-dotted. So we really, REALLY like for people of all colors to be ridiculously well-endowed with what is called “disposable income”, which is a term used in Economics 101, which is why you, being liberals, have never heard of it. But we don’t hold that against you. That’s what we’re trying to remedy here.

Once more, because we know that you’re kinda slow having been brought up on a diet of The Daily Kos, The Huffington Post and everything that a Democrat Fascist ever said, we really really like for people to be wealthy, because those wealthy people, also called “potential buying demographics”, are the only ones giving us any hope of ever being able to sell those gadgets that we, in our evil capitalist ways, are trying to foist upon them. Not much point in making the most amazingly wondrous gadget in the world if nobody can afford it, is there?

Also, and we know that you like to bring that up in your darling ignorance of the real world, we’re not in the slightest interested in keeping the rest of the world under our imperialist, oppressive thumb, stuck in the stone age etc. etc. etc., the way Noam Chimpshit has always taught you. Because that means that they won’t be able to buy our gadgets either.

Oh sure, having everybody else in the world live in unspeakable squalor would give us bragging rights at our cocktail parties and something to laugh at, but that still won’t pay the Porsches in our garages, will it?

Let’s face it: Somebody living in a cave having sex with his goats for entertainment isn’t likely to buy the latest tablet that we just pushed to market for the very simple reason that goat shit isn’t all that valuable or useful, so it would be unlikely to be accepted as payment. Not to mention that somebody living like that would be extremely unlikely to come up with something that we might be interested in purchasing, unless we’re really into goat shit. Our most recommended tablets that support stylus for note-taking and drawing in every budget constraint.

They have nothing we want and they can’t afford the shit we’re trying to sell to them.

That doesn’t work for an “evil capitalist”, it doesn’t work at all.

So, as you can see, arbitrarily keeping people poor and oppressed is a really, really stupid thing for a self-respecting capitalist to do, which is why we avoid it like the plague.

Here endeth the lesson.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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