As the Ogabe Steno Pool (formerly the “Main Stream Media”) get ever more desperate about the outlook for their chocolate Jeeebus.

You know they’re losing when Newsweek (which is a magazine that used to be read by some people, but now even dentists’ offices won’t be caught dead with a copy on the table) runs a front page describing Mitt Romney as a “wimp” (safe link NOT to Loseweek, and funny as Hades too!), compared to, we suppose, Barry “Mom Jeans Bicycle Helmet Gotta Ask Valerie First Noodle Pitch” Ogabe.

Yeah, that’s going to work.

The rest of the DNCMedia are busy howling about Romney’s many “gaffes” which, His Imperial Majesty being an impartial observer willing to give even The Boston Globe the benefit of the doubt (if we self-medicate heavily first), seem to amount to the following (Imperial Fisk Coming Up):

A) Romney, when asked specifically, offering a specific answer about the Olympics:

“You know it’s hard to know just how well it will turn out,” Romney said in an interview with NBC News Wednesday evening. “There are a few things that were disconcerting. The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials – that obviously is not something which is encouraging.”

“Do they come together and celebrate the Olympic moment?” Romney asked. “That’s something which we only find out once the Games actually begin.”

The fucking horror! Bring us our pearls so that we may clutch them! What’s funny is that the Brits agreed wholeheartedly with that assessment right up until the very moment that Romney made it, at which point some grandstanding Limey douchebag had a hissy fit. At least Piers Morgan says so and he’s 1) a bona-fide Limey and 2) not exactly a Romney fanboy.

Not that we really give a shit. Our Imperial Motto (one of many) is that if you’re not sure you’re going to like the answer, you shouldn’t bloody well ask us it in the first place. Oh yes, we know, all over the place “conservatives” (as opposed to actual conservatives) are already whining, whinging and being awfully concerned that he didn’t offer the usual, insincere, vague, non-specific boilerplate bullshit that politicians are supposed to offer, but we don’t give a shit about those weenie Sitzpinklers either.

Oh, and kindly note that it’s not like Romney, who actually has some experience in matters related to organizing Olympics, predicts that the London Olympics are going to be a clusterfucked disaster, he’s just expressing concerns and making it quite clear that nobody knows fuck all about how it’s going to turn out until the actual, you know, Olympics are over. It’s not like he predicted that the opening ceremony would include a Stalinist paean to the murder mill NHS or anything.

B) Another “gaffe” was, according to the Ogabe Steno Pool, that Romney helpfully pointed out that the only reason that Paleosimians still squat in their own feces while their neighbors (that they’ve all sworn to murder brutally) are living the good life is because of culture and providence (but mainly culture).

“…if you can learn anything from the economic history of the world, it’s this: culture makes all the difference. Culture makes all the difference. And as I come here and I look out over this city and consider the accomplishments of the people of this nation, I recognize the power of at least culture and a few other things.”

Er, well, yes. It does tend to hold you back a bit if your entire culture got stuck in “neutral” 1,400 years ago and has refused to as much as consider switching to “drive” ever since. The Paleosimians, being utter fucking puling crybabies when they’re not busy being pisslamist genocidal maniacs, of course called this “racist” and the entire Ogabe Media concurred so swiftly that it tore a hole straight through the space-time continuum because, shut up! Racist!

C) And then there’s the latest “gaffe” which is the Worst of All in the History of Mankind™111!!!1!1!! when one of Romney’s aides told the howling presstitutes to kiss his arse when they behaved like the trained seals they are, arfing about the poor Paleosimians and Romney’s many gaffes at a momument to Poland’s fallen, suggesting that they might show a bit of respect at such a solemn spot. Immediately after the whores got done looking up “respect” in Webster’s, they started howling about the “gaffe” of not kissing the arses of the press in a sufficiently humble fashion.

But we’re sure that the American people are going to be horrified about a candidate who’s honest in his assessments, who doesn’t worship pre-medieval Paleosimian savages and who employs staffers that don’t show the respect that the Ogabe Media so richly deserves. Yep. That’s for sure. So please keep Fluking that chicken, Ogabe Media.

But the Ogabe Media sure are butt-hurt about Mittens not crawling before them, which amuses His Imperial Majesty greatly. So much so that the partisan hackjob, Politico, the ones that spawned Ogabe Ball Washer General Ben Smith (and you can’t sink much lower than that), wrote a three page article about the outrage, OUTRAGE. Which we’re resolved to mock. You can’t have a link, though, because Politico is more likely to personally witness the heat death of the Universe than ever see a link from us.

In one week abroad, Mitt Romney has managed to enrage both the Brits and the Palestinians. Now add to that roster his own press corps.

“His own press corps?” The press is about as much “his own” as the Jews owned Der Stürmer. So he treated his enemies like his enemies? The humanity!

Over seven days in the UK, Israel and Poland, Romney held just one media availability for the U.S. traveling press — and even then, standing outside 10 Downing St. in London, he answered only three questions. While he gave a series of interviews to the major television networks, he granted no interviews to other U.S. outlets.

Which, of course, couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that no matter what he says, they’ll start talking about dogs on the roof, magic underwear, his being a “wimp”, his “racism” for not licking Mahmoud Abbas’ sweaty scrotum enough, Bain Capital, and the list goes on and on.

The snub has become the straw that broke the back of an already bitter press corps, long frustrated by limited access to the Republican candidate on the campaign trail.

If only it had actually broken their backs, as opposed to figuratively. The fun we could have had mocking their quadriplegic carcasses.

The tensions came to a head in Warsaw today when reporters, increasingly aware that there would be no end-of-tour press avail with the candidate, began shouting questions at Romney as he walked back to his vehicle from a wreath-laying at their Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

“Governor Romney! What about your gaffes? What about the PALESTIIIIIINIANNNNNNS?”

We’re completely mystified as to why he wouldn’t deign those outbursts of asshattery and douchiness with a reply. A reply NOT coming out of an MG42, that is.

“Kiss my ass; this is a holy site for the Polish people,” shouted Rick Gorka, a traveling press aide who has tussled with reporters before. “Show some respect.”

Gorka then told a reporter to “shove it.” (He would subsequently apologize to some of the reporters, calling his outburst “inappropriate.”)

The ANIMAL!!!! Of course, his reply was inappropriate, but he didn’t have a belt-fed LMG handy at the time, so you have to cut him some slack.

“We didn’t need to come all the way over here to handle photo ops,” another member of the press corps told POLITICO. “There is a growing frustration among reporters, a growing sense that the campaign doesn’t get it — we don’t want to screw you, we just want to do our job.”

Slight break while we all stop laughing and catch our breaths.


You suddenly discovered that you had a job, did you? The job you refused to do in 2008 because all of your reporters were dispatched to Wasilla (quintupling the population of that town for a while) to dig through Sarah Palin’s kitchen trash? The job you, as a rule, completely forget about every time a Democrat Fascist is involved in actual news? Fast and Furious? Voter intimidation by the Black Panthers? Everything your chocolate Jeeebus ever did in his entire life conclusively proving that he’s a radical Marxist fraud and megalomaniac narcissist? That job? Sorry. What were we thinking? Your “job” is, obviously, to do everything you can to protect your Lord Obama.

“[T]hose of us that have traveled overseas and been involved in these VERY limited press avails have rarely seen heads of democracies TOTALLY ignore their own press corps but answer ANOTHER press corps’ questions,”

Which, had you partisan hack morons reflected upon it for a minute, would have been a true teaching moment. When a candidate would rather answer the questions of the B B Fucking C than you, then you’re pretty damn low on the totem pole.

“There has been no press access to Governor Romney since we landed in Poland,” Van Susteren wrote on her blog. “We (press) are in a holding pattern (I can’t help but feel a bit like the press is a modified petting zoo since we are trapped in a bus while Polish citizens take pictures of us).”

Give the gal a Kewpie Doll, because she got it. So tell us, Greta, how does it feel to be on the other side of the lens and the pointing, laughing fingers?

“I think it would be smarter if they interacted with the press,” Van Susteren told POLITICO. “What struck me is that when the candidate got on board, he never waved to the reporters in the back of the plane. Lots of times candidates will come back and talk. I was struck that there was no off-the-record chatter, not even a wave.”

Unlike Der FUBAR, who is only too happy to come back there to have his balls washed.

But those television interviews, with the likes of Matt Lauer and Wolf Blitzer, have hardly satisfied the expectations of the press corps, who now envy the access they had to candidates Barack Obama and John McCain in 2008. When then-Sen. Obama went overseas in 2008, he held four press conferences in as many countries and took at least 25 questions, according to the Obama campaign.

Those sweaty balls won’t wash themselves, you know!

McCain, meanwhile, was known to visit the back of his press bus frequently to talk with reporters.

Because McVain was and is a bona fide idiot who never once understood that the DNCMedia’s infatuation with him would only last until he got the nomination so their Golden Boy was safe. And look at how well that turned out for him! President McCain, that is. Oh wait, that never happened.

On occasion, Romney has been known to make the occasional trip to the back of the press plane, handing out chips or cookies to reporters. But reporters say such attempts at detente will be harder to make following his European tour.

“You can’t hand out cookies now when there are serious questions to ask, and there are very serious questions to ask that the campaign has refused to answer,” one reporter told POLITICO.

Serious questions such as “what about your gaffes?”, “what about the PALESTINIANNNNNNNSSSS?”, “do you really wear magic underwear?”, “why does your wife ride expensive horses?”, “have you stopped murdering American workers by outsourcing their jobs?” and “what about Seamus on the roof?”

“I don’t think anyone wants cookies anymore,” said another. “This is the rough and tumble now. There are going to be tough questions — the American people want that, the campaign should know that, and they should know that it’s better for them if the answers come out now.”

Ooooooohhhh… Tough guy, are you? That’s why you didn’t give your name, we’re sure. “Nice little campaign you have there. Shame if anything were to happen to it, guv’ner.”

And you’re still finding it incomprehensible that you and your fellow Ogabe propagandists are being treated like herpes genitalis?

Of course you’re not. You know full well what you’re doing and what you’re up to, even if you wouldn’t admit it to save the life of your own mother. But you’re making one fatal mistake, and that is thinking that you still have the power that you used to wield. Have you and your ilk checked your circulation numbers lately? Your Nielsen ratings? The strange number of “journalists” being retired every day? See a trend there?

No you do not. You still haven’t quite woken up to the fact that the main reason anybody listens to or reads your spew this day is so that they can make vicious fun of you on the Internet. You’re still in deep denial. You’re still the “gatekeepers” of information in your own narcissistic minds, you still think you wield the power to bring down empires, that a breathless nation hangs on every word to leave your mouths or your keyboards.

Because if you weren’t, then you’d be hella busy shaping up right quick in order to stay in business.

And we’re fine with that. Really we are. The more you discredit yourselves, the less you acknowledge why you’re currently less popular than bubonic plague, the better for our nation and the better the chances that we’ll end up with media who understand that their JOB is to report. Just report. We’ll take the facts and make our own opinions, thank you.

Because we’re really not that much into you anymore.

So piss right off, will you?


0 0 votes
Article Rating

By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments