And that, by the way, is the only reason we can laugh, laugh and laugh at this story (h/t Director Blue) because, heartless as His Imperial Vileness is, he doesn’t find people getting killed because of plain gullibility all that funny. OK, maybe there are exceptions, but that’s a different story.

Chevy Dolts? The DoltsWagen? Oh boy, did we ever name that one appropriately! From the travails of a twerp daft enough to pay through the nose for the Politburo designed heap of recycled beer cans:

This past Sunday marked 10 weeks that we’ve had the 2012 Chevy Volt. In that amount of time, it’s been back to the dealership four times due to problems.

That’s once every other week. Add time at the dealership to that and it would appear to us that it’s been spending more time in the dealership’s garage than yours which, to normal people, would have been a gentle hint with a Louisville Slugger that maybe you’d been seriously had.

One of the issues we were told was definitely fixed (a problem with the tire pressure monitor system) came right back two days after it was repaired.

Government Motors. All of the friendliness of the IRS combined with the efficiency of the DMV. But that didn’t deter a true believer. Oh no. He had to have him some Volt.

Another time the car simply would no longer charge, or rather, would start and stop charging very quickly, as if it was being plugged in and unplugged and plugged back in every few seconds. Definitely not standard or typical behavior–an obvious defect. None of the trips were quick fixes either, requiring at least a few days before we’d have the car back.

That’s not a bug, you counterrevolutionary enemy of the People, that’s a feature! Politburo Motors are just trying to get you used to the Glorious People’s Republic Future of rolling blackouts once Der Fubar is done making energy prices necessarily skyrocket as he and the People’s Party put power plants out of business. So you were annoyed, huh? Yet you still kept the clown car because, well, it’s the Future!

These were all annoyances and inconveniences, though. It sucked having a new vehicle that we saw as the future

The smugness just oozes out of that sentence. We’ve seen the future and it works, and we’re part of it! Unlike you asshole troglodytes who haven’t paid $40,000 bucks for a piece of shit that doesn’t work. We should note, as you’ll learn if you read the entire article (not that there’s any compelling reason to do so), that the author is also an Apple Cultist. You know, the fanboi kind who camps out in front of his beloved temple, er, Apple Store for three weeks to get the iPhone3 before everybody else at thrice the price, only to do the same two weeks later when the iPhone4 comes out because, hey, it’s got a 4, a glorious 4 behind it! And it’s Apple! We are not worthy! We thank you this day, Almighty Jobs, for the blessing you have bestowed upon us unworthy mortals!

But we digress.

and having it in for service three times over the course of the first few weeks,

There’s a word for a buyer who, at that point, hasn’t shoved the keys to the pile of crap so far down the throat of the dealer that he can activate the remote door lock by scratching his navel, and the word is, we’ve got it right at the tip of our tongue here…

Oh yes: SUCKER!

but we weren’t in any danger.

True that. Nobody yet died or were physically injured by everybody laughing and pointing fingers at your obvious gullibility.

That changed with the latest issue that cropped up with the Volt.

I took a quick trip to the store, about a mile or so from Gear Live HQ, with no problem. On the drive back, things seemed fine as well. I stopped in a turn lane to wait for traffic to pass before I made my left across 2 lanes of highway traffic. Once it was good, I hit the gas to complete my turn…and the car stopped going mid-turn. The cars that were coming towards me slammed on their brakes once they realized that I was no longer in motion (if I had been, their speed wouldn’t have been an issue.) Two cars narrowly avoided hitting me at 45-50 MPH, which would have resulted in injuries to me, and the drivers of the other vehicles.

45-50 MPH? Sure, that would definitely have been unpleasant if you’d been driving in an actual car and, seeing as how you weren’t, it could definitely have resulted in serious injury. That’s another reason why His Imperial Luddite Knuckledragginess insists on driving actual cars like our current CVPI tank since we’d at least survive the encounter, being surrounded by 4,000 lbs of solid steel. Not aluminum, not fiberglass, but steel. As a bonus, but we digress again, if the future really does mean everybody else driving TardCars and Dolts, then the only repairs needed afterwards would be buffing out the scratches in our paint job.

Unexpected high speed collisions are just bad all around. Thankfully, there was no contact. One driver was able to stop just a few feet from me, while the other swerved to the side to avoid hitting me.

This all happened without warning from the Volt. No check engine light or chime alerted me that anything was wrong. I continued to step on the gas, and the car would only go a maximum of 3 MPH.

Which is more than enough for you, peasant! How dare you expect to be transported at speeds above the People’s Speed of Walking?

It would stall out, and start back again going a couple of miles per hour, but never more than 3 MPH. Because of this, it took me about 30 seconds to cross the two lanes that typically takes 2 seconds to do.

After that turn, my final destination was 3 blocks away with no stop signs or traffic, and it took minutes to get there. There’s a slight incline–two small hills–and the Volt continued to stall, slide backwards down the hill, then move forward again at a snail’s pace. The car was going to need it’s fourth trip to the dealership to be serviced in the two months that we’d had it…but this time, the problems with the car put us directly in danger.

So has he shoved the keys down the throat of the dealer yet? Of course he hasn’t. He’s still “working” with them, and probably will be until he’s run over by a semi.

But at least he’ll die knowing that he was almost “emissions-free”, which will surely give him a VIP spot at the Heavenly Apple Store where Steve Jobs reigns forever and ever, amen.

Chevy Dolt, indeed.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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