Because, well, when idiots like these pop out of the woodwork, it’s time to remember that this site is called the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. And a hat tip to Tam, that funny lady.

13-Year-Old Among 2 Arrested On Suspicion Of Possessing Stolen Military Weapon

We should like to note that the original headline appears to have had “Anti-Tank” instead of “Military”, at least if the URL is anything to go by.

So it looks like the intrepid California Flatfoots made quite a name for themselves there, coming down like a ton of bricks upon a dangerous weapons cache. Great job. Or not…

COLTON (CBS) — Two people, including a 13-year-old boy, were arrested Friday on suspicion of possessing a military-grade weapon believed to have been stolen.

Please note “stolen military-grade weapon.” Yes, we know we keep harping on it, but it’s important. So what did the brave, brave Po-Po of Colton confiscate in this enormous weapons bust? A SCUD missile? A broken arrow? A 400lb IED? A Browning .50 cal? We can’t hardly wait!

Colton police said in a statement released that officers were dispatched to the 1100 block of South Mohave Drive about 6:59 p.m. Friday.

Upon arrival, they saw a male, later identified as a 13-year-old boy, sitting on top of a roof and holding a possible rifle.

A “possible rifle?” Oh my. No. Seriously. Don’t laugh. It could be a Barrett .50, you know.

According to police, the suspect ran into a nearby apartment, which a K9 subsequently searched after authorities contacted the owner.

Three weapons were recovered, including an inert M136 AT4 “LAW” anti-tank weapon, a b.b. gun rifle and a replica 9mm hand gun, police said.

A… No, wait a minute. That wasn’t all, right? There was at least a crate full of G3s and/or AK47s too, right?

And just what the everloving fuck is a “b.b. gun rifle?” Actually, what the fuck is a “gun rifle”, now that we think about it? They make them with rifled barrels nowadays? We’ve come a long way as a society indeed. Moving on.

A replica 9mm hand gun. To anybody who doesn’t own a “replica hand gun”, this is what is also known to the rest of us as “an expensive toy pistol.” To owners of them, they’re “replica hand guns” the same way that Barbie is a “doll” and GI Joe is an “action figure.” To the rest of humanity, however, they’re toy pistols.

OK, so summarizing so far, you caught a kid with a toy pistol and a BB gun. We’re frankly surprised you didn’t sic DHS on that dangerous little terrorist scumbag. The sheer heroism, the courage, the willingness to set aside all thoughts of personal safety in pursuit of the protection of the innocent! Seriously, the City of Colton need to consider putting up a bronze statue of those officers right in front of the courthouse. No, that’s not enough. Declare a day of remembrance in their honor too.

Sorry, there was something more? Oh yes, the “inert LAW anti-tank weapon.”

Inert. To those not in the know, and that obviously includes the ignorant twat who hacked together that execrable piece of nonsense disguised as “reporting”, a LAW is what His Imperial Majesty and his fellow Centurions referred to as a “disposable Bazooka.” That’s when we didn’t refer to it as a “stupid piece of cumbersome crap invented by a committee of morons”, of course. “Disposable Bazooka” is much shorter. And there is an interesting history to it as well, which you will now have to sit through because, well, this IS our site and we’ll bloody well digress if we want to, even if it bores everybody to tears.

The Germans came up with the idea first. They called it a Panzerfaust (Tank Fist) and it was nothing but a tube with a missile attached to it. You aimed, fired and threw away the tube afterwards. Then you grabbed another tube with a missile attached to it and so forth until you ran out of them, which you did quickly. A lot of tube and very little actually effective payload. Not that the payload didn’t do a lot of damage, it certainly did, but you still had to lug around the stupid disposable tube as well as the payload.

Then the Amis got into the fight. They brought with them a wondrous thing called the “Bazooka.” It was basically the same thing, except for one “minor” detail: Once you’d shot the payload at the enemy and, he being offensive in your sight, was righteously smote, you kept the tube. Because you could shove another payload into it which, not having a disposable tube attached to it, was a lot easier on the poor backs of the GIs.

The Landser saw that and were impressed. So impressed, in fact, that they shamelessly copied it. They designed a tube that wasn’t disposable and that you could shove payloads into, and they called it Panzerschreck (Tank Terror) and there was much rejoicing. At least among the Krauts. Of course, it was quite a bit more expensive to produce, so the Panzerfaust stayed in production for supplying “less important military units” and fortified positions where mobility, obviously, wasn’t much of an issue.

The war ended, the Nazis got squished and then, and this is where the story gets truly ridiculous, some committee in the U.S. presumably studying German weapons decided to copy… The Panzerfaust. Because what an army that already had a weapon like the Bazooka really needed was a copy of what the enemy had thrown away because of the superiority of the Bazooka design. And thus the LAW anti-tank weapon was born.

It could only have been sillier if a different committee had been studying the Luftwaffe up to and including the Me-262 jet fighter and decided to start mass production of the Fieseler Storch as a result of their findings.

OK. End of digression.

So what you have in a LAW is a fiberglass tube with a payload that you fire and then you throw the tube away. The tube is now an “inert” anti-tank weapon.

Exactly like these:

…are 5 “inert 7.62×51 NATO anti-personnel weapons”.

Since we’re on a roll, here’s an “inert beer”:


So what the intrepid Colton PD managed to achieve here was to arrest a kid in possession of a BB gun, a toy pistol and a fiberglass tube.

Seriously. If there’s a Law Enforcement equivalent of the Medal of Honor, those officers ought to be up for it!


Wait, wait, WAIT, dammit! What were we thinking? Of course that can’t be all. The story has a happy ending and we can’t just bloody well leave that out, now can we?

We don’t know (the article doesn’t specify) what happened to the toy pistol and the BB gun, but we do know what is going to happen to the dangerous, “inert military-grade anti-tank weapon” (aka “the fiberglass tube”):

The U.S Army is expected to confiscate the weapon, police added.

And they will, upon repossession, immediately throw the damn useless thing away again. Hopefully they’ll throw it in a trash can this time, lest somebody else nick it and end up in gaol.

Sleep in peace tonight, good citizens, the Forces of Good have Prevailed once again!

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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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