Because, seriously, what did you expect out of New Hampshire?

Really? That northeastern damnyankee Mittens would crash and burn in northeastern damnyankee New Hampshire? And no offense to the many fine conservative and libertarian LCs living in northeastern damnyankee land, your sacrifices behind enemy lines are NOT forgotten, but still.

“The polling results are in from Tikrit, and Saddam is very popular! Clearly this is an incontrovertible sign that all of Iraq must rally beneath his glorious and inevitable Sunni banner!”

Give His Imperial Majesty’s tired derriere a much-needed break, will you? Governor “whatsisface?” Huntsman came in third, for crying out loud! Do we need to spell out the insignificance of the NH primary results in much more detail? Because we DO have a rather large whiteboard, some crayons and a nail-studded cluebat if you insist!

The only thing significant is that the Protest Vote™, also known as the “Who the Fuck are These Clowns Alliance”, aka the “None of the Above Bloc”, aka the “Fuck This Noise, I’m Voting for Mickey Mouse Coalition” came in second. And they made quite an impressive showing too.

Let us recount a story from the land of our birth. A true one too, because we were there when it happened, and it did happen. There was an election, just like any other election, and just like any other election there was a bunch of candidates, and if you think a “bunch” is anything above five, just wait until you experience a parliamentary system. Anything below a dozen is considered hardly any at all. And none of the candidates inspired anybody to anything but a groan. All of them were experts in speaking for an hour, none of them were capable of saying a damn thing during that hour that mattered to anybody. It was all vague boiler plate, poll-driven, empty nonsense. Sounds familiar?

Well, this one election, a candidate came forth because he was bloody sick and tired of the whole predictable charade too. He ran for parliament for his district on the platform of mandatory tailwinds on bicycle paths in all directions, better weather during the summer, you name it. Anything that bothered you he would run for. If asked, he would have included a government-mandated shorter duration of the common cold. He even showed up for debates wearing a burlap sack because everybody was tired of the usual “suits” running. Clearly a joke candidate, it was no secret, but guess what? He won his district in a landslide and people living outside of his district voted for him as a write-in.

That Luap Nor can boast results like he has in Iowa and New Hampshire isn’t an indication that the United States has gone stark raving mad, nor is it an indication that a quarter of Republicans have decided that we need to move the U.S. off the planet and decide that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. It’s a clear indication that a HUGE chunk of the voters have fucking well had it with the usual nobodies that get foisted on all of us election after meaningless election. We’re fed up, royally! And we’re trying to make it clear to the Usual Suspects™ of the Party of Stupid that the REAL joke candidate is all of THEM, and it’s not even ‘arf funny anymore.

If you’re trying to say that 23% of people of New Hampshire have suddenly turned into Ronulans, and when we use that term it’s not to denigrate everybody who’s ever had anything good to say about Luap Nor, because that would make us one too. We’re talking about the tiny, TINY minority of highly motivated religious fanatics who will flood any online poll with “Luap Nor” no matter what the question is, if you’re saying that you’re just as delusional as the ones saying that Mittens ObamneyCare’s “victory” is a sure indication that 39% of the United States as a whole are ready to endorse a candidate who is known only for killing jobs and having no consistent positions other than RomneyCare being a resounding success, which the state of Massachusetts might have a thing or two to say about. Last we checked, that progenitor of ObamaCare is about to bankrupt that state and has already made their healthcare a joke of NHS proportions.

So knock it off. The race isn’t over. Not to mention another thing: Those two states, Iowa and New Hampshire, would either one of them be barely able to fill up an elementary school classroom with their delegates.

Don’t get us wrong. They matter as much as any other state’s delegates, we’re a union after all or at least that’s what we were originally supposed to be, so no disrespect intended. But we seem to recall that you need 1,144 of those delegates to win.

Could we at least wait until one of the candidates gets into triple digits before we declare him the inevitable winner and start demanding that everybody “fall in line” behind the Anointed Jesus of Iowa and New Hampshire?

If we can’t, why don’t we just cancel the rest of the circus and save everybody the expense and heartache and just declare the primaries over after New Hampshire. It would save a shitload of money, free the rest of the 48 states of having to endure endless robo-calls and, most of all, it would give the other 48 a perfect reason to secede from the clown show that the Union has become as we obviously don’t matter fuck all to them. Let them form the United Two States of America and go bugger all fuck themselves sideways.

Yes, we’re going to hear an ever-increasing chorus of Beltway RINOglicans stating that the results of NH prove that we should all “fall in line”, but we’re going to ignore it and the rest of you all should too, if you give two shits about our primary process.

OK, we lied there. We’ve previously stated, truthfully, that nothing could make us NOT vote for whoever, be it Shaitan hisself, is NOT Ogabe in the general election, but we’ll have to add a caveat to this now: The ONLY thing that could make us consider not voting for anybody for president (but we’ll vote down ticket no matter what, nobody is going to make us stay at home altogether as we still believe in the three branches of government and we’ll be DAMNED if we’ll hurt one of them just because we’re pissed off at one of the others) would be the RomneyBots trying to force us to vote for their cockholster in the primaries because he’s “inevitable” and we need to “fall in line.”

Don’t fucking EVER try to force a viking into doing anything, because we WILL make you regret it.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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