Yes, we know that this gobble-de-gook was written for Thanksgiving, but we much suspect that the Planned Parenthood drones are going to issue the same dreck to help out their fellow genocidal maniacs cope with their less “enlightened” family members over Christmas dinner.

It is time, we believe, to dust off the Imperial Fisking Club of Doom™.

The holidays are upon us! Going home or getting together with relatives for the holidays is always a stressful time, but if your family members are the type who regularly protest outside the local Planned Parenthood, you know that this holiday is going to be a doozy.

Luckily, we have some tips for surviving those awkward conversations. So read on, and bring some diplomacy and understanding to the table along with that pumpkin pie.

We can’t hardly wait as we sit here, breath bated, awaiting another droning lecture from savages who refer to unborn children as “clumps of cells.”

1. Avoid bumper speak talk. A slogan might work for a poster or a button, but in a conversation it just leads to a heated back and forth. Try to steer clear of catchall phrases—they very rarely lead to common ground or change anyone’s mind.

Do bring the actual buttons, though. It’ll be great fun pinning them to your nipples and assorted other tender parts of your anatomy.

2. Remember the big picture. Debating when life begins or whether or not abortion is federally funded may get you nowhere. Instead focus on your shared values and the big picture—for instance, talk about how you believe everyone should be able to afford to go to the doctor,

Which has fuck all to do with the actual issue, of course, but that’s the point, isn’t it? Avoid the issue because, let’s be honest here, it IS kinda hard to bring up suctioning out babies’ brains in the womb as “health care” without eliciting at least some disapproval among the less ethically challenged at the table.

or how the decision about when and whether to become a parent is a personal one.

That was sort of the entire reasoning behind contraception or, before that, not humping everything with a pulse like a rutting rabbit. Because, and we realize that your mom and dad may have skipped The Talk™, that’s how babies are made. Imagine that.

You never know, you just may find yourself actually agreeing with your relatives.

By avoiding the subject entirely. Of course. Also, and this should be of even more interest to you if you happen to be one of my relatives, you may actually find yourself still in possession of vital signs by the time dessert comes around.

3. Know your facts, but keep the conversation more global. It’s good to clarify misinformation—for example, the misconception that emergency contraception ends a pregnancy

Probably shouldn’t have used “misconception” there. Mostly because of the “-conception” part. It took us several minutes to stop laughing. The “misconception” that “emergency contraception”, by keeping the fertilized egg from implanting itself in the uterine wall, ends the pregnancy that started when the egg was fertilized.

This word “misconception” you keep using? We don’t think it means what you think that it means.

—but staying there can cause a fight. Instead, try to clarify, and then transition back to the underlying value of why you believe what you do.

Lie, misdirect, steer conversation to something other than the issue over which you’re about to get beaten around like a redheaded stepchild. Liberal playbook all the way through and sure to warm the cockles of your relatives’ hearts.

4. Create a space for the listener. Ambivalence is normal. Reproductive health is not a black and white issue,

It’s not even the issue that you claim it to be, as a matter of fact. But, then again, “killing babies” does sound rather a lot more inflammatory than “reproductive health”, doesn’t it? Here’s a freebie from the Imperial ClueShoppe™: Pregnancy is not a disease, and therefore terminating it isn’t a “health issue.” Unless you develop a disease as a result of the pregnancy later on, but that’s not what you’re really talking about, now is it?

and there is no one right or wrong way to feel.

We don’t know about that. “Murdering the unborn” fits pretty fine in the “wrong” category if you ask us, but we’re obviously not as enlightened as you are.

Be open and accepting of other people’s personal views, and instead focus on the distinction between your personal beliefs, and what should or shouldn’t be imposed on others.

After all, who wants their daughters “punished with a child?” Ogabe certainly doesn’t, he said so himself in those exact words.

For example, “I might not personally choose to get an abortion, but I could never decide for another woman whether or not she was ready to become a parent.”

This would be the point where I jammed a drumstick so far down your pie hole to stop your inane yammering that I might actually get my fist stuck in your pyloric sphincter.

5. Learn to diffuse. There are some debates you’re just never going to win, and not all questions are created equal—in fact many are designed to start a fight. Instead of getting caught in the weeds, try to recognize when a question isn’t a real question, and transition back to what you feel is the bigger picture:

Dodge, obfuscate, redirect.

Wow. We thought this was a family dinner, not an Ogabe press briefing.

Question: “I don’t want my tax dollars going toward abortions.”

Response: “Actually, because of the Hyde Amendment, tax dollars can’t go toward supporting abortion.


But I do believe that everyone deserves access to basic, preventive reproductive care, and that it’s important we support those services. No one should ever have to choose between paying rent and buying birth control.”

If you’re down to having to choose between rent and pack of Trojans, then you should be out there looking for a damn job instead of lying around on your back copulating like a canine until all hours.

6. It’s all in how you frame it. In so many of these political disagreements, when things get heated we revert back to bumper sticker slogans instead of really talking about an issue. Instead, take a few deep breaths and try personalizing the issue, or evoking empathy.

When facts fail, resort to feeeewings.

Also, make sure your medical insurance is current, because you’ll most likely need it to get the salad tongs removed from your spleen later.

Yes, we have been told that we have a sometimes unpleasant reaction to having our intelligence insulted. Thanks for asking.

Oftentimes it’s easier to dismiss abortion or other health care procedures as “bad” when it’s framed as a political issue. But when you’re talking about an individual woman making a personal decision, it’s harder to just write off.

Actually, we find it much easier to deal with when it’s in the abstract. It’s when it comes down to actual, individual babies being blended and vacuumed out in their mothers’ wombs that we tend to get, er, testy.

Also keep in mind that everyone doesn’t have to feel the same way about an issue to find something to agree on. For example:

A woman may have an abortion for any number of reasons. Some of these reasons may not seem right to us, but even if we disagree, it is better that each person be able to make her own decision.

Does the baby get a say too?

I can accept someone’s decision to end a pregnancy, even if I wouldn’t make the same decision myself.

I can accept someone’s decision to commit murder, even if I wouldn’t make the same decision myself…

Hmm… No, doesn’t work for us, sorry.

There’s just something about pregnancy—everybody has feelings about it. Each circumstance is different, so we should respect and support women and families who must make life-altering decisions about whether or not to have a child.

It’s certainly life-altering where the baby is concerned.

We can try to imagine the heartbreak of a family when they get the news that a test has shown there is something wrong with their baby

And what better way to deal with it than to have the little mutant freak chopped into pieces?

Nope. Doesn’t quite work for us either. Keep trying.

Ultimately, we all want healthy, thriving families and that is why we need policies that respect our ability to make thoughtful decisions and support us in our roles as caregivers and breadwinners.

And the best way to get healthy, thriving families is by killing off the little inconvenient bastard rug rats before they’re born. You may want to look up the definition of “family” as well. It includes something often referred to as “children.”

Was that really all you had? We regret deeply to tell you this, but we have to give you an F. We regret it because there aren’t any grades lower than that.

7. Know where you stand. It’s easier to talk about what you believe in if you know what you believe in and why beforehand. Ask yourself why you believe that reproductive rights, or sex education, or health care, are important, and you might be surprised at how universal your reasons are. For example, you may believe that sex education is important because you feel it’s the best way to protect young people.

And the best place to start is by teaching them about fisting in fourth grade.

Or you might believe abortion should be legal because you could never make the decision about when someone else was ready to become a parent.

But you feel perfectly comfortable making the decision that murdering babies is no big deal. You might want to re-think your priorities there.

8. Practice! Below are some sample questions and responses:

Q) How can you support abortion?

R) The decision about when and whether to become a parent is an intensely personal one. I believe each woman has to make that decision for herself—and that no one can make it for her.

Making the decision for the baby, on the other hand… No problem at all.

Q) Isn’t emergency contraception just another form of abortion?

R) I’m glad you asked me that question—

You would really say that to a relative? Really? Because whenever His Imperial Majesty hears that condescending boiler plate meaning “fuck you for asking that question and here’s me not answering it”, he gets this terrific urge to punch somebody in the mouth.

a lot of people have that misconception. Emergency contraception pills actually prevent pregnancy before it begins. On the other hand, the abortion pill ends a pregnancy. I think emergency contraception is a great thing, because it gives people a second chance to prevent pregnancy—and I think everyone should be ready before they become a parent.

The real reason you think that it’s a great thing, of course, being that it gives you one more way of avoiding the possible consequences of being an irresponsible, horny slut.

Q) Why are you anti-family and anti-baby?

R) I am very pro-family and pro-baby! I love my daughter, and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

She’s also very lucky that you didn’t have your “doctor” jam a pair of scissors into her skull because she was inconvenient. Of course, considering what she has for a mother, she may not be that lucky after all.

That’s why I truly believe that the decision about whether and when to become a parent is a sacred one, and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Much more sacred than such piffling concepts as “life”, obviously.

Q) I don’t want my tax dollars to be spent paying for abortions.

R) [Note: you may be tempted to respond with “Well, I don’t want my tax dollars being spent on _________ (the war, abstinence-only-until-marriage programs, etc.).” We recommend fighting that urge—you want to have a conversation, not just a comeback.] I think we can all agree that our tax dollars should be spent making sure that everyone has medical care.

A: That wasn’t the bloody question, you daft cow. and B: No, we can’t. Nowhere in the Constitution is there a requirement that tax dollars be spent on “free” healthcare for everyone. Generally speaking, avoid “I think we can all agree” at all costs unless you’re absolutely certain beforehand that everybody actually agrees, or you’re likely to be the recipient of some ad hoc facial remodeling tout suite for being a pompous, arrogant, condescending cuntmuffin.

In my ideal world, no one would have to put off going to the doctor because they can’t afford it, and every child would have access to a pediatrician.

I my ideal world, ammo would be free, liberal hunting season would be all year with no tag limit and everybody would be guaranteed a V8 with free gas for life starting at the age of 16. Are you or are you not going to actually answer the question at some point here or should I just pour hot gravy down your cleavage for shits and giggles?

I also believe that our medical care shouldn’t be based on how much money we make.

Pass the carving knife, please. No, don’t bother wiping it off, it’s going to get messed up shortly anyway.

Women who are poor should have the same ability to decide whether and when to become parents as women who have more money.

Free on-demand infanticide for everybody! For Teh Childernnnn!!!1!™

Frak us. How the Hades did we get placed at the kiddies’ table?

Q) I think sex ed should be left to the parents.

R) I totally agree that parents should be the main educators of their children when it comes to sex.

I totally find it offensive to be addressed in Valley Girl speak and, by the way, that’s not what I bloody well said, was it? I said “sex ed should be left to the parents.” I didn’t say “sex ed should be left, in the main, to the parents.”

English, you blithering buttskate, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Kids need to hear our values and our sense of what is appropriate for kids their age. But

Ah. Another but-monkey. We certainly didn’t see that one coming.

I also know that those conversations are hard to have—I remember my father stumbling over some of the very same questions my kids ask me now.

But it’s HARD! Save us from everything that is HARD! Actually, that would eliminate the question entirely when it comes to “to abort or not to abort”, wouldn’t it. Sorry. We just couldn’t resist.

And I think lots of parents put off the conversation or avoid it entirely.

We freely admit that we’ve left out fisting, sodomy and coprophagia. So we suppose that means that the Imperial Heirs will have to learn that from their teachers?

Not if their teachers would like to reach retirement age, that’s for damn sure.

Honestly, all kids need information about protecting themselves from disease and unintended pregnancy—probably not for now, but for the future—and we need to make sure all kids get this information that could save their lives.

Save their lives from unintended pregnancies? Damn. If only we’d known that sex was that bloody dangerous, we’d probably still be a virgin.

And no, “we” don’t need to make sure that our kids learn the basics. The parents of our kids need to make sure of that, and if that’s too HARD for them, then perhaps they should try not to have any kids at all. It IS quite possible, you know. We managed to avoid having kids for 34 years, and we can assure you that it wasn’t for lack of engagement in the act that produces them.

Yes, raising kids IS hard, they don’t come with a manual and the only way to raise them is either by trial and error or, even harder still, finally admitting that everything our OWN parents said was true and follow their advice, but that’s no excuse for throwing up your hands and expecting Da Sistem to do it for you. You may doubt your parenting skills once you find yourself being one, after all you’ve never done it before, but we can assure you that you are in no way capable of fucking up in ways even remotely as disastrous as Da Sistem is, and they fuck up quite effortlessly.

If you’re not willing to put in the effort, if you’re not “ready to be a parent”, then fucking don’t do stuff that will MAKE you one.

It really IS that mind-numbingly simple.

That’s it! Good luck, and remember, if things get really bad, you can always bring up something everyone can agree on, like how much we all love pumpkin pie.

You know, if you’d just stuck to that your column might actually have been useful.

So here’s OUR advice to lovers of infanticide dreading the holiday dinners:

For once, just ONCE resist your irrepressible urge to proselytize your ignorant beliefs every bloody chance you get.

Instead sit down with your family and enjoy the dinner, talk about the weather and, if you’re feeling particularly generous, thank your mother for NOT having you vacuumed out of her womb.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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