Welcome to GOP Primary whack-a-mole, Newt, and best of luck.

It appears that he’s the latest to blast past Mittens’ True Believing 25% now that the MFM managed to dig up a third harridan with an extremely dubious past willing to throw accusations at Cain for, well, we don’t exactly know what, but let’s at least show her the decency of assuming that she was paid for her services like any honest prostitute.

“Assaulting the victim?” “White-washing the inexcusable?” “Circling the wagons?”

Give us a break. We’d write our own summary of the accusers so far, but The Other McCain has already done a great job of it, so we’ll just quote him:

Sharon Bialek twice filed for bankruptcy and the suggestion that she was financial stable because she lived with a wealthy fiancé proved false: He’s unemployed and on the verge of bankruptcy himself and — oh, by the way — he’s not actually her fiancé anymore. Also, Bill Kurtis said Bialek had a “history,” whatever that means.

Karen Kraushaar filed a “frivolous” complaint against her next employer after getting paid “go away” money by the National Restaurant Association.

Ginger White, an unemployed twice-divorced single mom who is nine months behind on her rent and made libelous accusations of racism and drug abuse against her ex-business partner.

Not to mention, in Ginger White (a name soon to appear in a pr0n flick near you)’s case, the protective order that said ex-business partner sought against her for her stalking and continued threats.

Oh, and her “I really didn’t want to do this” when she decided to pull the same stunt on Cain that she’d tried to pull on that ex-business partner earlier.

Here’s a hint: When somebody comes forward with scandalous accusations that will almost definitely hurt the accused no matter what the outcome and the facts are and start by saying “I really didn’t want to do this”, you can safely assume that A) they really did want to do it and B) everything they say is bogus, including the words “and” and “the.” Also, you might want to ask yourself why they were perfectly copacetic with staying mum about the horrors, the HORRORS! of the abuse at that vile man’s hands for years and years, right up until he shot ahead in the polls at which point it became just too much to bear.

It’s a pity none of the above is likely to see a courtroom, because we’d love to see the three Stooge Accusers trying to hunt down character witnesses. Comedy gold, we tell you.

But it matters not. If Cain doesn’t drop out, which he shouldn’t in hour opinion, surrender is never an option, the MFM will just keep trawling trailer parks for new accusers until every last man, woman and child in this nation is convinced that that Cain feller is a horrid, horny, brute of a savage who just wants to molest the wimmin folk, a stereotype that further convinces us of the source of all of this. After all, who among us is more familiar with it than the racist, segregationist Democrats who are most likely already celebrating their lynching of another uppity nigra while dressing up in the Kluxer hoods they keep stowed away in their closets for special occasions?

Oh sorry, we keep forgetting: All of the racist Democrats, after more than a century of consistent racism, became Republicans right after the latter defeated them in the 1964 Civil Rights Act debacle, at least according to the myth spread by liberals who would rather not be inconvenienced by something as tawdry as the truth. What could possibly make more sense for a bunch of Kluxing nigra-haters than to switch to the party that had just given them a thorough beating?

But boy do we digress here…

So it’s Newt now? Alright then. Welcome to the Thunderdome. Coincidentally, has anybody but His Imperial Majesty noticed that the ire of the MFM always seems to center on whomever happens to get past Reversible Mittens in the polls, but strangely enough Mittens himself has never been taped to the X-ring by them? It’s almost as if they’re trying to…

Nah, that’s just silly. After all, haven’t we been told repeatedly by such staunch, rock-ribbed conservatives as David Frum, Jennifer Rubin and Allahpundit that the NSDWP fear Teh Mittens™ most of all and that only he can carry the conservative banner forward to victory in 2012? Speaking of Allahpundit, he seems to be uncharacteristically (even for him and that’s saying something) distressed and near-suicidal at the news that Newt appears to be leading Mitty “Fab Hair” Romney by 20+ points in Florida.

But the poor dear is probably going through that part of the month and is retaining water like it’s going out of style, so we’re sure he’ll be fine in a week or so.

The thing here is: Newt??? Really now? Is that the best we can do? Shit, we’d take Ron Paul over him, but only if we could hide the Departments of Defense and State from him.

Well, if that’s what it’s coming down to, then that’s what it is. The one advantage that Newt has over Mittens, and we’re really trying to come up with something nice to say about him here, is that even though he’s easily had as many Moments of Stupid™ as Mittens, at least he’s not doubling down on them and refusing to admit that he fucked up.

Newt: Stupid™
Mittens: Stuck on Stupid™

Great choices we have, no? Oh, and Newt doesn’t have the personality of a utility pole.

What it comes down to for His Imperial Majesty who is, quite frankly, getting sick and tired of this circus, is two rules:

Primaries: Anybody but Mittens. We’ll happily pull the lever for anybody who isn’t Mittens, including but not limited to Shaitan himself. At least with Shaitan you know what you get.
General: Anybody but Ogabe. See above, even if it turns out to be Mittens.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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