Which is what happens, we suppose, when you concentrate the entirety of your scholastic pursuits on such subjects as gender studies, basket weaving, social justice and comparative folk dancing.

Congressman and possible senator Allen West lives in his own serene and strange reality where, no doubt, his recent response to a local Islamic group makes perfect sense.

He does indeed. It’s called The Real World™, in which simple, basic historical references are immediately obvious to anybody with an IQ higher than their shoe size.

In early August, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) sent a 679-word letter to West urging him to cut ties with “anti-Islamic extremists.. CAIR singled out Bridgette Gabriel, Pamela Geller, Robert Spencer, and Rev. Neil Dozier as Muslim-haters with whom West has shared stages.

“Muslims protect and serve our great country and are afforded equal protection under law,” the letter read. “We shouldn’t have to defend our rights to worship freely or participate in the governing of our society.”

That’s all the article quotes out of the 679 words, but we’re sure you fine LCs can easily fill in the rest of that standard threat mail from the lovable huggy-bears of CAIR.

It’s interesting that they bleat about how muslims “shouldn’t have to defend their rights to worship freely or participate in the governing of our society” when they, at the same time, feel it quite appropriate for them to insist that Colonel West waive his right to freedom of association. Interesting as in “the irony here is so bloody dense it has its own gravitational field.”

Also, did we miss the point where islam became illegal?

But we still haven’t gotten to the fun part where Colonel West utterly baffles, bamboozles and bewilders the liberidiots, so let’s hurry on.

Soon afterward, CAIR received the following letter, which was first reported by CBS4. The Muslim group sent us a copy, which we’ve embedded below. We believe it might be the dumbest thing ever written on congressional stationery.

Good thing you didn’t write your article on congressional stationery then, seeing as how Colonel West would have immediately been beaten by you for that record.

What did he write that was so utterly incomprehensible to a bunch of liberidiotarian journaljizzmers?

Dear Mr. Hamze and Mr. Shibly,

I am writing to you with regard your recent letter:


Steadfast and loyal,

Allen B. West
Member of Congress

Insert cheering here. Well, unless you don’t get the reference either, in which case we’ll be happy to send you to remedial history classes courtesy of LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.. It shouldn’t take very long to remedy your problem, and we promise you that it will be mostly painless.

Executive director Nezar Hamze tells Riptide he’s befuddled: “Obviously, I was expecting a little more from an elected official. I don’t know if he was calling me nuts or calling my request nuts or what.”

Or even if he were derogatorily commenting upon the size of your nuts.

“All of the above”, would seem an adequate answer to your incredibly stupid question.

(West’s spokesperson has yet to explain to New Times what the congressman meant.)

Most likely because he’s got better things to do than to make up for the staff of the New Times spending all of second grade sniffing glue and trading crack.

Hamze doesn’t think he’ll write West back. “How can I respond to this?”

Follow the historical precedent of the answer and go on to utter defeat and destruction. Please.

Fortunately for the Miami New Times and their cluefucked staff, they have a comments section, so later on in the article we have this:

Update: Several glorious patriots have suggested below (after secretly reading The Daily Kos, we bet)

At which point we had to pause for another bout of hysterical laughter. We cordially invite anybody thusly inclined to go find a “glorious patriot” at the Daily Kotz, but we warn you that it will be akin to finding a righteous man in Sodom or Gomorrah. Oops. Another obscure reference. Somebody please explain it to the New Miami Times, should one of them chance to come by. Anyway, carrying on:

that West was channeling Gen. Anthony McAuliffe’s response to Nazi demands that he surrender.

Is that so? Well clear the bloody front page, why don’t you? Somebody actually opened a history book or watched Band of Brothers, the latter being highly unlikely since it wasn’t aired on MSNBC. But if you think Teh Stoopid™ ends here, you’re wrong.

So… an American-Islamic advocacy group? Nazis?

Still the dumbest thing we’ve ever seen on Congressional stationary.

Now far be it from us to suggest that Colonel West was comparing an unindicted islamic terrorist front organization to Nazis, it’s more likely that he was just seeing another bunch of blustering fools issuing ridiculous demands that no man of honor could ever accept and saw the obvious parallel, but if you really must go down that road, let’s enlighten you a bit vis-a-vis muslim ties to Nazism.

Here’s everybody’s favorite Austrian madman meeting with the Mufti of Jerusalem

Classic muslim blood libel, showing Ariel Sharon holding a goblet labeled “The Palestinian Children’s Blood”

Selections from a muslim bookstore.

Beginning to see the picture? And we haven’t even mentioned the koran-mandated “solution” to people not willing to submit to their sick, perverted ideology, but since it’s a quick one we’ll include it for extra credit: “Kill Them All™.”

Color us paranoid, but we’re fairly certain that if Republicans started cozying up to the leadership of StormFront, White Pride and Aryan Nation, drawing cartoons depicting Jews drinking the blood of white children and started selling copies of Mein Kampf at CPAC like they were going out of style, you twaddling tumblefucks at Miami New Times wouldn’t have the slightest problem seeing the parallels and calling us all Nazis.

Heck, you call us that every time we criticize anything that Ear Leader says.

Consider yourselves educated, although we’re absolutely certain that it won’t keep you from sticking your heads up your arses in the future, keeping us all entertained.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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