No, nothing earth-shattering, just one of those “little” things that annoys His Vileness no end that he feels a strange urge to bore you to sad tears with.

But first: We think we hear horsemen on the horizon. It appears that the Establishment Conservative Media has put a collective “shut up” order on Weinergate. Not that that’s in itself all that shocking. We already know for a fact that the so-called “hard-hitting” members of the “Conservative” Media are about as “hard-hitting” as a limp weiner wrapped in cotton balls. Anything to avoid being called mean names by the Make Believe Ogabemedia.

But what IS amazing is that CNN, CNN appears to be running with the story that no “conservative” media air heads dare talk about. CNN. Think about it. We won’t be shocked if it starts raining frogs any day now.

But we digress. On to more important things, such as something that endlessly bloody annoys us to the point where we want to puncture our eardrums with an icepick and scoop out our eyeballs with a rusty spoon.

What could possibly make us that irate? We’re so glad you asked, even though you didn’t but we’re going to annoy you with it anyway:

Who the everloving Hades hump came up with the idea that the new format for TV shows should be to end every bloody episode with five minutes’ worth of mindless, useless, irrelevant making out to the tune of some unknown garage band’s latest desperate attempt to get noticed by somebody who isn’t an immediate, heavily bribed relative? Oh, and to start off the episode with the same crap too, just to add insult to injury.

You know what we’re talking about. You have this otherwise interesting show going on, and we’re not only talking about chick shows such as Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy (are those even still on? Don’t answer, we don’t really give a shit anyway), we’re talking about actually interesting shows too. You know, the ones with death, violence, mutilation and the occasional aggression toward fluffy animals.

You sit through an entire episode, you’re getting drawn in by the plot and the story arc, you find yourself actually interested in “what happens next” and then, just as the episode is drawing toward the obligatory weekly cliffhanger, the last five minutes is made up by two twats making out, staring into the distance in a “meaningful” manner, the camera panning over an utterly boring panorama, you name it, while some incompetent seventeenth-tier band who wouldn’t even hack it in a Eurovision song contest (and they set the bar so bloody low that you’d need a backhoe and a lot of explosives to get any further down) wails off some maudlin crap tune.

Which you fucking well have to sit through because you know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that something is going to happen in the last three seconds that you absolutely need to see in order to not be as lost as Bill Clinton in a nursing home when next week’s episode airs.

But first you have to endure several minutes’ worth of some unknown hacks’ mindless, meaningless, saccharine shite and, if you’re really lucky, a make-out scene which doesn’t even have the common courtesy of showing you some boobage.

That’s why DVR was invented, and whoever came up with that needs to, deserves to be as much praised and worshiped as the clowns who came up with the new show model need to be eviscerated with rusty farm tools.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of TV shows: Listen, we do appreciate the “previously, on […]” bit at the beginning when we’re watching the damn show as it is actually aired. It’s quite helpful when it comes to reminding us what the whole damn thing was about last week, particularly when you get as old and booze-addled as this Viking to the point where you can’t remember what you had for lunch.

Four hours ago.

But if you’re watching the damn show on a boxed set or, for that matter, on Netflix, then why in the name of our left nut do you have to be reminded what happened on “last week’s episode” when you watched the damned thing not three minutes ago???

They seem to be perfectly capable of editing out the endless commercial breaks on DVD editions so what the FUCK is so hard about cutting out the “previously, on [blah, blah, blah]” bit? We mean: We OWN the damn show, every last farking episode, so if our memory is getting a bit blurry we can always to back and replay the sticky bits, can’t we?

Yes, that really does piss us off, and now you know. We’re sure you’re ever so happy that we shared this with you. And if you’re not, just let us know where you live. B.C. will be by with the re-education team and his CD collection soonest.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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