Or, as we rather tend to believe, 6 days until we get to laugh our Imperial Arse off at guys like this one, mocking them ferociously in terms most derisive.

A New York man spent his entire $140,000 life savings advertising his prediction that the world will end May 21, the New York Post reported Friday.

While His Imperial Majesty can certainly understand the urge of a True Believer to shed himself of all worldly possessions if the world is for shit in a few days anyway, we can think of more than just a few more interesting ways to get rid of 140 grand than using them to plaster New Yawk subways with posters that will be utterly and totally ignored.

And none of them are lurid, licentious and/or vile either. OK, some of them, maybe.

Robert Fitzpatrick, a 60-year-old Staten Island resident, said he spent at least that sum on 1,000 subway-car placards and ads on bus kiosks and subway cars.

They say, “Global Earthquake: The Greatest Ever! Judgment Day May 21, 2011.”
In a self-published book, “The Doomsday Code,” Fitzpatrick said the Bible offers “proof that cannot be dismissed.”

The Bible is chock-full of proof that cannot be dismissed. It’s G-d’s Word, after all. However, that doesn’t mean that any passing goofball and nutjob’s interpretation of it is proof of anything other than a hyperactive imagination and an exaggerated opinion of one’s own intelligence.

“Judgment Day will surprise people. We will not be ready for it,” Fitzpatrick said in an interview with the newspaper.

Bloody hard to be surprised when loons such as yourself are plastering every available surface with proclamations that It’s COMING™, isn’t it? Oops… Sorry to burst your bubble there.

While you were busy with your slide rules, ancient charts of numerology and G-d only knows what else you used to gather your irrefutable proof from The Bible, did you come across any passages regarding mankind not knowing, not being able to know when The End actually occurs?

You did? Very well then. Discuss.

“A giant earthquake will render the earth uninhabitable.”

Sorry. If it hasn’t got the Four Bikers of the Apocalypse in it, we’re just not interested.

If you want to set an alarm clock, the quake will happen just before 6:00pm local time, he said.

The Bible is that specific? Sure it’s not a few minutes after 6:00pm? We mean, what with the thousands of years that have gone by, the gradual slowing of the Earth’s rotational speed etc. etc. Does The Bible take Daylight Saving Time into account?

No? Alright then. Saturday, just before 5:00pm Imperial Time, right after tea.

“God’s people will be resurrected. It is also the day that God stops saving anyone,” he said.

Fitzpatrick hopes that he is one of the chosen ones, but he could not be really certain.

“There’s just a little doubt,” he said. “Most churches teach that if you just believe, you will be saved. It is not our choice. It is God’s choice.”

You know what, Fitz? You got that right. If only you’d paid a bit more attention to your last sentence, then perhaps you wouldn’t be the laughing stock of the Empire on Saturday, right after 5:00pm CDT.

“It is G-d’s choice.”


And the next time you’re convinced you’ve got the precise ETA for The Big One™, please consider just cutting us a check instead. Provided you’ve amassed some new savings by then, of course.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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