…and we’d be lying our teeth off if we as much as suggested that we’re not getting a huge kick out of reading their increasingly spittle-flecked, hysterical, petulant temper tantrums.

Witness Rick Wilson, one of those great “conservative thinkers” that helped bring about all of the enormous conservative success stories of the past decade (we’ll sum them up for you: … There, that was easy, wasn’t it?), most noted for recently having said that the GOPe should, and we quote, “put a bullet in Donald Trump” and suggesting that Ann Coulter only likes Trump because he pays more for anal…

Deep breath here to contemplate the true depth of Rick Wilson’s balanced, rational wisdom… All done…

Anyway, he’s firing off another impotent tirade against the “Troll Party” (that would be one of the kinder names he’s used for the voters that he and the GOPe detest and loathe every single moment they’re not busy kissing their arses around election time), and it is truly magnificent watching his shit his clothes and wet his depends.

So, we decided we’d take the old Fisking Machine out for a spin:

The Troll Party puts nationalist, anti-establishment bluster before the tenets of our constitutional republic.

As opposed to the GOPe, who put the Chamber of Commmerce’s every wish ahead of the same.

So who comprises the Troll Party? Some of them are a distaff faction of the Tea Party, angry that the leadership in Washington doesn’t pursue their agenda with the bloody-mindedness and tempo they demand.

Or, indeed, at all. The same agenda that those very “leaders” in Washington got elected by swearing up and down that they would pursue.

For them, supporting Trump feels like rebellion. They crave a sense of agency in the face of a political culture in D.C. that they believe loathes and disregards them.

“Belief” is something you don’t have actual evidence for. You should look up the word one day. It’s in there, between “anal” and “bullet.” You can read, can’t you?

Trump activated them. He found a ready audience for his magical cocktail of celebrity, wealth, television skills, press whoring, verbal incontinence, bully-boy affect, and xenophobia, all eager to embrace his vision of… something. They don’t really know or care what he stands for, only that he’s an extended middle finger at the hated political class and the national GOP. He FIGHTS!

Why yes, yes he does. It’s a pity that you’re not really paying attention to your own incoherent ranting, because deep down inside you do know, obviously, that this Trumpmania is wholly and entirely a product of the GOPe’s own inaction and disregard for the people who voted for them. Aided and abetted by narcissistic clowns like yourself suffering from delusions of adequacy.

It’s pointless to try to explain to Troll Party members that they’re blind to the tensions and realities of how the world, humanity, and Washington actually function.

But you’re wrong. It’s because we do know how it functions. We vote for the GOPe who then, in return, get to screw us in every orifice we have while collecting massive bribes, er, “donations” so they can fool us the next time they’re up for election. Lather, rinse, repeat. We understand, alright, and that’s your problem.

It’s impossible to explain to them that politics is transactional.

Traditionally, “transaction” is understood to mean that both sides get something out of the whole thing. Not that the Prozi Party gets everything they want and the GOPe gets more invites to the best cocktail parties in DC.

Their articles of faith include statements like “If ONLY we’d all followed Ted Cruz and shut down the government!”—ignoring the fact that Harry Reid always held a gun to the head of the GOP in the process. With Republicans controlling only 54 seats in the upper chamber, to a large degree he still does. We’re not even close to the numbers to reliably override an Obama veto, but why not engage in a pointless, doomed battle?

Because shutting down the government is hardly pointless, much less in any way damaging? It’s one of those battles where even losing is winning. If every single bill that a hypothetical conservative GOP got vetoed, it would not only signal that the fat fucks we sent to DC to feast on our dime are actually doing what we sent them there to do but, more importantly, it would also stop the other side from doing more damage than you feckless, treasonous GOPe Quislings have already let them do.

Probe them, and they honestly believe that every action of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell is driven either by contempt for the base or cowardice in the face of the left.

Throw in some avarice and blackmail and you’ve pretty much nailed it. Good job.

Ask them, and they honestly believe in a quadrennial consultant Dolchstoßlegende, where somehow, someway, the Evil Establishment forced John McCain and Mitt Romney on them.

Really now. The Hitler references are getting old at this point. Whatever will you have left when Trump’s sworn in if you keep it up? Stick to stuff you’re more familiar with, such as murder fantasies and anal sex.

Externalities never enter their minds; mention that Obama outraised and outspent McCain and Romney dramatically, and their eyes glaze over.

…and that neither McShame nor Mittens for one fleeting second attacked Barrack Hussein on any of his numerous weak points for fear that they’d piss outside of the carefully prepared Civility Playbook that had been prepared for them. It’s hard to win a fight when you start by tying both arms behind your back and ask a passerby to duct tape your mouth shut.

The Troll Party, following the great traditions of actual and wannabe revolutionaries, shifted its focus from the external to the internal enemy. As with most “liberation” movements, the constant search for traitors in their own ranks is usually a sign they’re entering a phase Robespierre, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, or Miscavige would recognize.

You forgot Hitler. At least include all of the socialist monsters if you’re making a list. Unless you’re already following our advice from earlier, in which case: It ain’t much better, Ricky. Try again.

The witch hunt for apostates takes precedence over accomplishing their stated political goals.

That’s because getting rid of the backstabbing witches is a prerequisite for even getting started on said goals, as the past decade has taught us.

In this case, the impure are any elected Republicans not named Trump or Cruz, and of course the hated “consultant class.” Their Jacobin desire for revenge, not just against most elected officials and candidates but against the people who possess the technical and rhetorical skills to win elections,

Just ask presidents McCain and Romney, why don’t you?

Alright, we admit it: We’ve actually managed to locate a whole group of idiots with egos more inflated than the current masturbator-in-chief.

Listen, Ricky, before you start jerking off and bukkakeing all over the marble floor about your 1337 5k1llz when it comes to elections, you guys should try actually winning a few of them? How’s your buddy Rove these days? Last we heard he was in a nursing home somewhere, wearing a funny hat and humming the Marseillaise while sticking a hand inside his jacket.

They don’t want simply to burn down the Establishment. They want to burn down its infrastructure, and salt the earth around it.

We concur. That is exactly what we intend to do. And there is not a damn thing that you twatmufflers can do about it. Enjoy irrelevancy.

The shift is evident online and on conservative radio. Hosts increasingly aren’t drawing an ideological contrast with the Democrats or liberals, even though they’re in the most target-rich environment of the last decade.

There’s really no point discussing ideology, when both parties act as if they only have one, is there? We mean, it’s all terribly nice to sit around a cozy hearth with a bottle of brandy and a nice cigar, talking about theory, but at some point it would be nice to see some, what’s it called?, action.

They’ve taken to whipping the Troll Party into a daily frenzy, driving home the message over and over that somewhere there is an establishment of people in their own ideological and political movement or party who hate them and seek to destroy them. I recently became the target of an endless series of Breitbart attack pieces for daring to (accurately) call Trump fans “low-information voters.”

Aww… You poor baby! You insult people and they dare insult you back? The nerve of those peasants! Don’t they know who you are???

Yes, we do. And you just proved us right again.

They feed an online ecosystem of email fundraising, driving millions of dollars into shady super PACs that collect $9 out of $10 donated for “overhead expenses” and “consulting” and “fundraising management,” and rarely spend a dime trying to elect the conservatives they claim to represent.

*Cough* 2010. *Cough* 2014.

And so we see the real problem, according to nutwashers like Ricky here: They’re outraged that we’re using their own methods and, what’s worse, that we’re better at it than they are.

They’re increasingly likely to focus their fundraising ire on McConnell or Boehner rather than against Clinton.

Just like the GOPe was indeed a great deal more likely to focus their fundraising ire on Chris McDaniel than the Prozi candidate. Just to name one example. We have more. Lots and lots more.

Until I sinned against Trump, I’d never been the topic of a Richard Viguerie fundraising email. Now I have.

Rejoice. At least you’ve achieved something in your otherwise unremarkable life. It’s not much, but it’s also not nothing, which is all you had going for you up to that point.

Every day, their enemies list grows longer: George Will, Megyn Kelly, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Charles Krauthammer, Karl Rove, Roger Ailes. All are marked and targeted by the Troll Party. I feel like I’m in good company, and frankly I’m proud to be included on their hit list.

You would be, wouldn’t you? Good. That means everybody’s happy, n’est ce pas?

We have our little List™, and you get to feel at least slightly relevant for the first time in your life.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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