Although a good fisting might do this cum receptacle some good too.

To all of my Conservative friends and family on the right…

You mean the few people in your circle who possess intelligence, common sense and patriotism? Doubt that you know any, but hey, what ever gives you the feels. If you’re addressing me however, I ain’t your family, and I doubt I’m your friend, although I would be happy to wipe my jizz in your hair after your done using your mouth for the only thing it’s good for, because it sure is wasted on speaking. Kinda harsh Mindy darlin’? Just wait, I’m only getting started.

Today, I’d like to talk to you about some of our shared interests and appeal to your American common sense, if I may.

No you may not, because you and I don’t share the same definition of American or common sense. And your “talk” will surely be just another condescending lecture about how us “reichwingers” are a bunch of racist, homophobic bigots and we need to ditch our sincerely held beliefs and core convictions and drink your kool-aid. If the rest of your tripe is as condescending as your first sentence, you can go fuck yer self gently with a chainsaw. That would be our only “shared interest”.

Look, I get that you don’t like Hillary just like you don’t like the black man in the White House.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. You didn’t use the politically correct term of “African-American”!!! You RAYCISSSS!!!!

And no, I ain’t fond of either of them, evidence of that common sense you mentioned earlier.

I understand really. I mean, I didn’t like the worthless cowboy in there before him… or his puppet master, trigger-happy, mega-asshole side-kick VP either…

Whoa, a lot of hate and vitriol there from the party of tolerance. How’s that Kumbyah shit working out for ya? Guess not very well. That cowboy understood the world and loved America, her troops, and our founding principles. He may have been a little closer to your spectrum domestically speaking Mindy-poo, but when he was president there were still Christians in Mosul, public mass beheadings weren’t a spectator sport, the Russians weren’t in Ukraine or Syria, and our enemies weren’t slaughtering our ambassadors at will. Must have had sumtin’ to do with that trigger happy side-kick. Our enemies were killed in a glorious technicolor fashion then. Now they’re marching to the new caliphate.

so I can really sympathize with how you must feel right now. (Wait, was that a little too harsh? Sorry, friends, I meant to call him “dick”)

And I meant to call you a cum guzzling gutter slut. And I ain’t your friend. And I don’t need or desire your sympathy. Look that word up in the dictionary; it falls between shit and syphilis, both of which I care about a lot more than I do your sympathy.

Anyway, you get my point. You don’t like the Hillary or the “Kenyan,” I didn’t like the cowboy. But we both love our country. Agreed?

Nope, not even close to agreement. I love America, our republic and it’s Constitution and founding ideals. You on the other hand detest everything that we have ever done or stood for, that’s why you voted to “fundamentally transform” it, remember? You may want to look those two words up. What they mean just might surprise you.

Part of the beauty of this country is that we vote in our leaders.

No, we vote in our representatives and a chief executive to execute the will of those representatives. Citizens don’t have leaders or rulers, they have public servants who serve at the will of the people. I know that your ideology just loves state control and all, but how about you go take a remedial civics class.

Does it suck when our team loses? Of course!

It’s good for our republic though.

But just like when we teach our children to be good sports and not to cry when they lose at baseball, we too sometimes have to suck it up.

Hypocrite much Mindy babe? You don’t look old enough to have been around for the 2000 elections and that beautiful example of liberal “sucking it up”, but maybe you remember 2004? Or the Tea Party revolt of 2010. Or the trouncing your party took in 2012 and 2014. I remember a lot of great examples of liberal “sportsmanship”, in fact I can still get a schadenboner when I think about it.

For all of my friends who are so mad about Obamacare, I hear you. You are really mad. You believe that allowing millions of poor, uninsured Americans access to health care is equivalent to the fall of mankind.

Still believe that load of shit huh? We’ve demolished this tripe so many times on these pages already I won’t bother shoving the facts up your rancid cunt. I’m not up to date on my shots anyway, but you can take your morally superior tone and beat yourself to death with it. Obamacare will cover it I’m sure.

One of your favorite 2016 Presidential candidates has said that Obamacare is literally worse than slavery. I get it. You absolutely hate the idea.

Yup, we don’t like the idea of taking the best health care system in the world and turning it over to the fedzilla behemoth. The efficiency of the DMV and the compassion of the IRS, what’s not to like.

And again, I can totally sympathize. For me, I hate war.

You do? That’s cute sweetie. You ever fought in one? If not, shut your hole. Others bear the burden of war, not you, and they have the right to hate it. You just sit back on your pampered ass and sip a latte while you stab them in the back. Let me let you in on a little secret that those us of who live in the real world learned from history; You can hate war all you want. There are people in this world who don’t really give a shit what you hate or don’t and are kind of fond of waging war so that they can conquer, subjugate, and enslave others. They’ll just as soon slit your throat as rape you. Guess how you stop those people Mindy sweetheart? You think about that for awhile and get back to me.

So when your guy decided to take us into a bogus war in Iraq, I was really pissed too.

I hope you were pissed at Shrillary too since she voted for it.

And just like you, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it because we live in a civilized nation ruled by laws.

We used to, your boy Obambi has done a pretty good job of making us a nation ruled by men, not laws.

So, I too had to just suck it up. Of course, what I had to swallow was a whole lot of people dying, and what you have swallow are lives being saved, but whatevs.

You really need to be smacked in that sanctimonious little mouth with a bag of dicks and a dictionary, or “whatevs”. Swallow that.

Here’s the thing my righty friends,

I’m not your friend. You may want to look that word up too.

at the end of the day I still believe that there are far more things that unite us than divide us.

I would like to believe you, and once long ago I might have come up with some examples. But after the past 15 years I have been sadly shown that the left in America is so for removed from the American culture and values they may as well be from Mars. But let me guess, now is when you are going to dictate to us what we have to do so that we can be united with you, right?

Maybe I am just an optimistic bleeding heart liberal simplistic fool (fixed that for ya Mindy, no charge, just cuz yer my frieeeend. – crunch) , but I really do believe in the basic human goodness in all of us. Yes, even in you righties.

Awww, thanks!! But you can have your little utopian world. I know that humans are capable of immense goodness, but I also know that they are capable of immense evil. Only through morals and faith are the baser instincts of man curtailed. When those moral precepts are ignored millions upon millions die. Unless good people confront that evil that is. Something your side seems incapable of even acknowledging, let alone facing. Meanwhile you work on devaluing those very same morals that help to perpetuate that basic human goodness you claim to believe in.

So now that we are in full swing of the 2016 election cycle, here’s a couple of my suggestions to bridge a few of our divisive gaps with things that perhaps we can agree upon.

Thanks, but unless your “suggestions” (prognazi speak for “commands”) involve statists suck starting a .12 gauge, we ain’t gonna agree on much.

First, how about you guys quit talking about women’s bodies and birth control.

You first. Listening to lefties talk one could be forgiven for thinking that women are just vaginal life support systems that can vote.

Seriously, what’s up with that?! I mean, if you’d jump on the birth control band wagon you’d immediately cut down the abortion infant murder rate.

Not being sluts will cut down on it too, but “whatevs”. I’m a little confused here? I’m a life long conservative and I don’t remember any of the meetings of the vast right wing conspiracy where we planned on taking birth control away. I mean, how can you stop swallowing (which is what your mom should have done by the way) after all. OK, sure, we don’t want to force the tax payer to pay for your dick sleeves and expect you to be responsible and take care of it yourself, but if that means that we’re not on “your bandwagon”, well I guess you can just party on with out us. We’ll use our money to provide for our own wants and needs.

And I know you’d love that! Plus, people would have more sex, which would put the entire country into a much better mood. See? I’m a born problem solver.

You’re a born skank. And if sex is all that puts you in a better mood then I feel for you and your ilk because it’s obvious who the sexually gratified people are.

OK, now can we talk about what the hell your problem is with the gays??

And what’s with your uber-idolation of them? Our problem with them is that the gay mafia is forcing us to not just “accept” or “tolerate” them, but to embrace and celebrate their deviancy. What’s your problem with those of us who would just prefer that a persons sexuality stays something personal to them, rather than the basis for an identity group?

Come on, really. It’s not contagious. You won’t accidentally fall into the gay. And gay marriage has absolutely no bearing on your own marriage.

My own marriage maybe not, but the institution it most certainly does. Why can’t you understand that we value the institution as a whole and don’t want to see it debased to nothing more than an impimatur for the sexual proclivity du jur? Why must you sue Christians who would prefer not to participate in the destruction of a holy ordained institution? Why must you force the government to coerce those who disagree with you and believe in traditional marriage?

Listen up my ultra conservative friends, if the gays freak you out that much, here’s my advice: why not just ignore it like you do everything else that exists in the real world that you’d rather pretend away?

We would love to if y’all would let us. But that’s not what statists do, is it?

You’ve become quite adept at overlooking climate change for example…

Yeah, we generally ignore junk science scams designed to guilt us into third world status.

.or the way you skip right past my political Facebook posts as if they never existed.

Sounds like someone is a little butthurt over a lack of the almighty “likes”. Maybe it’s just a personal bullshit avoidance policy. Yup, we just say “bless your heart” and go on with our lives.

Now, speaking of climate change.

Fuck, here we go again.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to start quoting all of the proven scientific facts that 99% of all scientists agree with or anything, so don’t panic or get all defensive.

Except of course for the scientists who disagree right, who number a lot more than 1%. “Consensus” is not scientific fact. And neither is the bullshit your snake oil salesman shaman the Goracle peddled in that cheesy movie.

You have every right to believe in whatever alternate reality you choose and, as your friend (Again, you’re not. Please stop deluding yourself into thinking that you have friends. You don’t, least of all me. – crunch) , I applaud you for your imaginative creativity.

You might want to be careful there, you have no idea where our creative imagination leads. Don’t believe me? I’ll introduce you to BC and Radical Redneck.

All I would like to point out here is this, if we could be rational and practical for just a moment maybe we could agree on something. Maybe.

You definitions of rational is screaming others into silence until everyone “agrees” with you. Then you have “consensus”! Yay!!

If I’m right about climate change and we clean up our act, we save the planet and humanity in the process.

You’re not, and the planet doesn’t need tofu eating, granola farting proto-fascists to save it. And the only “humanity” you care about are those you deem worthy of your enlightenment. Your ideology has murdered hundreds of millions of people in the 20th century. It has butchered over 53 million innocent infants. And you expect me to believe that you want to “save humanity”? To quote the Wild Weasels,YGBSM.

But if we go your route and do nothing, we all die.

Like we were all gonna freeze in an ice age. Then we were all going to drown. Then we were all gonna die in a nuclear war over water. Yada yada. When your “scientists” are actually right about something then we’ll talk. Until then hop on a jet with Algore.

So all I’m saying here is how about a little compromise on this one?

Your idea of compromise is you get your way and we smile about it. So how about, no.

You can go around calling me a hippie-dippie tree-hugger liberal WHILE we clean up our act with the environment, just in case.

See my previous sentence.

Why not err on the side of caution on this one?

I mean, if your fantasy-land alternative reality is correct and there’s no such thing as climate change, then what’s the worst thing that could happen here?

Massive economic destruction, lower standards of living, poverty, starvation, global governance and serfdom. Just another fun filled Tuesday night in liberaland.

We get a cleaner planet? And some fresher cleaner air? And plus you get to make fun of all of the silly paranoid hippies. I believe we can call that a win-win.

I believe you can suck my crank you condescending twat.

So see my righty friends, we really can all get along.

Just do as I say. See how simple that is? Yay!!!!

And you really can read a Liberal article without your heads exploding.

Our IQ’s dropping? Not so much.

Oh, and I almost forgot one last point for my conservative friends…while we’re working on all of this Kumbaya here, how about you chill with all of the hate and try turning your attention more toward what you love instead. And in exchange, we’ll let you keep your beloved guns….

For now.

And the inner fascist emerges. This is what compromise is to a liberal prognazi. They get what they want while they pretend to “let” you to keep a basic civil right, until they decide that we need to “compromise” on that too. Then they continue to dictate what everyone else must do, say and think.

Where in the fuck did you get the idea that you can “allow” me or any other citizen any mother fucking thing! That is why I will not, ever, EVER, negotiate with you or your ilk on anything. To you it’s just one more small step to your utopian state. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You accuse us of hate, you are why we hate. And I used to not. Hate was a powerful and destructive emotion that I preferred not to partake in. Then you and your fellow travelers decided to “rule” and “transform” our nation, our culture. You want me and my descendants enslaved and dependent on the almighty gubmint. You insist on telling everyone else what they can or can not do and anyone who resists is a hater, a bigot. Who’s the real hater Mindy? We who want to live our lives, pursue happiness and help others to do the same: we who have sacrificed, bled and died so that others can be free? Or you, who revels in self centered narcissism and is dead set on controlling everybody elses lives?

You want me to “turn my attention more toward what I love”? That’s exactly where my attention is and has always been. But to you, what I love is what you detest and what you want to destroy. I love our Constitution, our republic, our liberty, our traditions and our history. Because I love them, and I want my children to inherit the same blessings of liberty I did, is why I hate you.

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By LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.

Former USMC infantryman, proud father of a current USMC infantryman and two Princesses who know what that means. Currently an NRA law enforcement firearms instructor, radar instructor, CPR instructor, a few others but you get the point. Catholic, conservative, heterosexual, gun owner, anything I can do to piss off liberals.

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