Chief Norm Jacobs of Beloit, WI, for this:

According to Wisconsin Public Radio (WPR), Jacobs asked for volunteers because that’s how he has seen healthcare providers handle viral outbreaks. WPR quoted Jacobs saying: “Gun violence is as serious as the Ebola virus is represented in the media, and we should fight it using the tools that we’ve learned from our health providers.”

He hopes city residents will volunteer to have police come and go room-to-room, drawer-to-drawer, closet-to-closet, to search for guns and raise awareness of the seriousness of “gun violence.”

We can only surmise that Chief Jacobs is either joking or being misquoted, because that is the most insanely stupid thing we’ve read all week. Pardon our cynical nature, but we seriously doubt that the individuals committing gun violence will be opening the doors to Beloit’s finest so they can confiscate their guns.

On the other hand, being a deeply cynical Emperor, we see an opportunity here too. Should this nation take an even darker turn (which we seriously doubt, given how we seem to have truly reached Peak Proziism in this nation), and should police be tasked with actually confiscating guns (and even more unlikely, decide to follow such orders), it would make sense for a law-abiding American to quietly send his firearms off on an unscheduled vacation to a friend and then invite the PD in to “go room-to-room, drawer-to-drawer” in order to get on the list of “good citizens” right before getting his guns back.

But then again. Fuck no. We’d go with “probable cause. Heard of it, fuckheads?”


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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