Run in circles, scream and shout!

Reporting from the Ebola capital of the Empire: We’ve been filtering through the media “reporting” on the issue throughout the day, trying to find out what’s actually going on as opposed to what you might read on FaceBork and other reputable news sources. Not that we’d ever doubt the media’s sober, calm and factual reporting of course. Fanning the flames of mass hysteria might disastrously drive up their page views, after all, positively affecting their ad revenue.

Ah, sarcasm. It’s such a wonderful tool in the hands of a professional. Sorry, we digress.

From what we know so far, a deputy who’d spent 30 minutes rummaging around the Ebola-soaked apartment of the now deceased Typhoid Thomas Duncan (allegedly under protest since the Best and Brightest didn’t find it necessary to issue protective gear to him) was transported to Presby Dallas because he’d woke up feeling “sore and nauseated” which, in view of his recent tour of Ground Zero, naturally left him a bit worried.

We’re not quite sure why he chose to go to an urgent care facility and thus expose two dozen other people to what he feared might be Ebola, rather than just calling 911 and letting them know what was going on, but who knows what goes on in the mind of somebody who is suddenly worried that he might bleed to death from his eyes and ears and various even less happy orifices. Still, here’s an Imperial PSA to anybody in his situation:

If you think that you might have contracted Ebola, DO seek help. DON’T seek to share your happy circumstances with as many people as you possibly can. They won’t appreciate it.

As of this writing, we don’t know if he has tested positive, but we certainly hope and pray that he won’t, and that’s not “just” out of a concern for anybody he’s been in contact with, it’s also out of concern for him. If he DOES, heaven forbid, test positive if if it IS true that he was forced, under protest, to enter Typhoid Thomas’ apartment unprotected, we hope that among those contacts we’ll find the flaming moron who ordered him in there and we hope that he shared a 15 minute French kiss and a long, heated session of anal sex with that retard.

Just to be sure. If he’s not positive, please dear G-d, we’d still like to have his superior shot. From a ballista. Into a pit of hungry hogs. Who all have AIDS.

So what does this mean?

Well, for one thing everybody has been very quick to announce that his symptoms of soreness and nausea fit the symptoms of Ebola to a tee. Of course, they also fit the symptoms of the common cold, food poisoning, a bad hangover and the flu, but those don’t sell page views, so we can safely ignore those. Clearly he has Ebola and we’re all going to die, so head off to the grocery store and buy all the canned goods you can lay your hands on.

OK, so now we realize that we’re beginning to sound like president Ebola’s regime who, knowing full well that they have not the fuckingest clue as to what they’re doing, have been trying to assure us all that Ebola is slightly less infectious than being left-handed and that you pretty much have to eat the brains of a dead Ebola victim while having sex with him in order to contract it, and that’s not our point.

Our point IS to try to stick with what we know as opposed to what we fear will happen in a worst case scenario, because that way madness lies.

As to the Imperial Family, we’ve impressed even more firmly on the heirs the need for frequent hand washing, particularly before the consumption of food, and the inadvisability of sticking your fingers in your mouth or your eyes since you don’t know what they touched since the last time you washed them. Who knows, we might finally teach those typical almost teenage boys that water and soap won’t make you melt!

Other than that, all we can do is wait and see.

Our main worry right now is not so much the virus. We’re far more scared by the fact that containing and fighting it is in the hands of the most incompetent fuckwads who ever wasted oxygen, the government, but we can always hope that the CDC sticks to spending our tax dollars on investigating saturated fatty acids, CO2, fifth hand smoke and gun possession rather than doing their jobs, because we’ve all seen how badly they’ve fucked up on the former. Without exception.

Should it somehow prove impossible to keep them from fucking up Ebola as well, you might find us camping out on your lawn. Whether you like it or not. We’ll make Prozis cry and scare your neighbors shitless for food and shelter.


0 0 votes
Article Rating

By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments