His Imperial Majesty has seldom laughed as hard as he did when he read one Tim Egan’s nonsensical blather of a column from this Saturday, in which he blames G-d for everything under the sun and proceeds to compare the Hobby Lobby decision to the Crusades. Or 9/11. Or whatever the Hades it is that this sad mentula is trying to say.

The subject, it would appear, is faith based fanaticism all the way from hajis stoning women for being raped to… Hobby Lobby not being forced to pay for Sandra Fluke’s condoms. Or something. A long, barely literate screed summing up all of the atrocities in which G-d has been invoked by one side or the other, culminating in what we guess is his main point, for a guess is the best we can do with that suburan dung heap of incoherence, which is gay marriage. Or free condoms. Or something like that. Clearly, Egan has issues if he feels the need to compare WWII to the horror of no free diaphragm’s for the sisterhood of the traveling dicks, but all we can do is to suggest that Timmy gets some therapy. Lots of it, actually.

Just a few howlers:

Two years ago, Perry said that God had not “changed his mind” about same-sex marriage.

And really, He hasn’t. That’s the thing about immutability: You don’t often (read: never) change your mind, your hairstyle or anything else for that matter. Look it up, Timmy.

But the states have. Since Perry became a spokesman for the deity, the map of legalized gay marriage in America has expanded by 50 percent.

We’re not quite sure what Timmy’s point here is, other than the inevitable swipe at governor Perry who has, it seems, taken over the Koch Brothers’ place in the Prozi pantheon of demons. Maybe he’s trying to say that if enough states decide that G-d is wrong, the Bible will need to be rewritten because G-d has been down-twinkled and therefore, by consensus, the whole matter has been settled and the debate is over?

All that we know is that we don’t much care about what any number of states say, G-d is quite clear on the matter and that’s good enough for us.

But onwards and upwards, because Timmy has some crying to do about the evil that religion has wrought. Or something. Even though he does offer one moment of intellectual clarity:

It’s not true that all wars are fought in the name of religion, as some atheists assert. Of 1,723 armed conflicts documented in the three-volume “Encyclopedia of Wars,” only 123, or less than 7 percent, involved a religious cause. Hitler’s genocide, Stalin’s bloody purges and Pol Pot’s mass murders certainly make the case that state-sanctioned killings do not need the invocation of a higher power to succeed.

Which might be why some of us are, shall we say, somewhat doubtful when Prozis like Timmy want to disarm us all and give all of the guns to government and other criminals. But don’t worry, he doesn’t touch on this again. It would be… unhelpful. Still, it’s encouraging to see that he must, at some point in his life, actually have cracked open a history book.

In the name of God and hate, Sunnis are killing Shiites in Iraq, and vice versa.

Quite. What Timmy consistently fails to note throughout his poorly thought out missive, is that there’s a difference between invoking G-d and actually having him on your side. A rather important one. And this is not the fault of G-d or religion, it’s the fault of murderous ignoramuses who, failing miserably when it comes to having an actual argument, grab for something else to justify their position. See also “check your privilege”, “that’s racist” etc. Oddly enough, all of the cliches in this category seem to be used almost exclusively by Prozis.

A jihadist militia, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, boasts of beheading other Muslims while ordering women to essentially live in caves, faces covered, minds closed. The two sides of a single faith have been sorting it out in that blood-caked land, with long periods of peace, since the year 632. Don’t expect it to end soon. A majority of the world’s 1.6 billion Muslims are peaceful,

He said, offering absolutely no evidence to support his assertion. It is the Prozi way. And if you object, or even ask for the sources for his sweeping statement, you’ll be told that you’re a racist who should check his or her privilege.

The way we see it, based only on what we know and not, like a Prozi, on what we wish that we knew, is that for a peaceful “religion” they sure seem to get their rocks off on murdering people a lot. Also, they don’t seem overly zealous when it comes to denouncing those who murder in their name. Sure, you’ll find a few every time, always with the addition of a “but” to sorta justify the latest muslim mass murder, but compare this to the unanimous roar of condemnation coming from Christians when the Westboro Baptist Church are beclowning themselves again.

Somebody just observing the facts of 1,400 years of history might just reasonably start to wonder if the majority really are that peaceful after all. They sure do seem to be involved in a lot of wars for a “peaceful” cult, don’t they? But that’s probably just due to racists. Or the Koch Brothers. Boo. Hiss…

Elsewhere, a handful of failed states are seeing carnage over some variant of the seventh-century dispute. And the rage that moved Hamas to lob rockets on birthday parties in Tel Aviv, and Israelis to kill children playing soccer on the beach in Gaza,

There’s a difference here that eludes Timmy and his fellow Prozis, and that is that the Israeli kids were deliberately targeted by the “peaceful” muslims and the anecdotal kids in Gaza were killed because Hamas deliberately made sure that they were in the line of fire when the “evil” Jooos fired back.

How do we know this?

For one thing, they’ve always been doing this and they’ve even been bragging about how effective of a tactic it is, but during the recent unpleasantness Hamas missiles have been showing up in enough Gaza UN “schools” that we’re beginning to wonder if they’re a part of Common Core.

has its roots in the spiritual superiority of extremists on both sides.

Sure. Deliberately using children as human shields to produce bodies you can parade in front of imbeciles like Timmy is EXACTLY the same as hitting those human shields in an effort to stop your enemy from deliberately targeting your children. No difference there. To a Prozi. Or any other dumb animal you could mention.

The most horrific of the religion-inspired zealots may be Boko Haram in Nigeria. As is well known thanks to a feel-good and largely useless Twitter campaign, 250 girls were kidnapped by these gangsters for the crime of attending school. Boko Haram’s God tells them to sell the girls into slavery.

The current intra-religious fights are not to be confused with people who fly airplanes into buildings, or shoot up innocents while shouting “God is great.”

But they’re most assuredly to be confused with the Supreme Court’s recent decision that companies can’t be forced to pay for Sandra Flukes dildo, as Timmy proves by spending the last few words of his idiotic rant on it.

The problem is that people of faith often become fanatics of faith. Reason and force are useless against aspiring martyrs.

In the United States, God is on the currency. By brilliant design, though, he is not mentioned in the Constitution

He is, however, mentioned in the Declaration of Independence, unless you believe that by “Creator” they meant the guy who brought them cold beverages while they were debating what to put in there.

More importantly, He (any version of Him that you prefer, G-d bless you), and the worship of Him is specifically protected from the voracious tentacles of the government in the Bill of Rights. And not just in any amendment, but the first one. You would think that with only ten of them in there, being mentioned in the first one might be considered sort of important, even to a Prozi.

The founders were explicit: This country would never formally align God with one political party, or allow someone to use religion to ignore civil laws.

And, which Timmy boy conveniently forgets, they were equally explicit about the government never, EVER being allowed to pass any law, civil or otherwise, interfering with people’s worship or non-worship of Him. Or Her. Or It. Or anything else. That’s what “freedom of religion” means.

And that’s why Prozis like Timmy always “forget” about that “minor” detail.

They don’t, as a rule, like rules that forbid the government doing anything that they want the government to do. Such as forcing you and I to pay for Sandra Fluke’s KY Gel.

The Founders added that amendment specifically because they had seen what government interfering with personal religious beliefs leads to, they’d seen it in spades in Europe. Which is why they left. And they didn’t want to see it happening again over here.

At least that was the intent. In this summer of the violent God, five justices on the Supreme Court seem to feel otherwise.

We’ve been trying to find out just what Timmy means with this, but it’s as futile as trying to read the auspices from the guts of a seagull. You can’t reason your way to it as no reason, not even a glimmer of it, was used in formulating it.

Is he saying that the Supreme Court was “aligning G-d with one political party?” If so, then every conceivable opinion issuing from the Supreme Court that just so happens to align with any religious belief can be said to be based on religion and aligned with whatever party happens to agree with it. The reasoning behind it doesn’t matter. If it aligns with a party, a belief, or both, it’s un-Constitutional. Which is great. We can then throw every single Supreme Court decision that happens to agree with the Progressive Socialist Party right the fuck out the window. Unfortunately, we’d have to throw every other opinion out as well as it is bound to align with somebody at some point.

Bottom line, though, according to Timmy: The Supreme Court decision to NOT force Hobby Lobby to pay for somebody else’s condoms was every bit the same as 9/11.

"Just don't take Sandra's free rubbers away, or the terrorists will have won."
“Just don’t take Sandra’s free rubbers away, or the terrorists will have won.”


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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