Well then, Let’s Get the Paperwork Started, Shall We?

Thanks to LC HempRopeAndStreetlight we learn that an Idiotarian over at the leftist propaganda broadsheet, Salon, is once again arguing that it’s about time that the leftists secede from America. Mind you, it’s nothing new for Chuck Thompson, he actually wrote an entire book saying the exact same thing. We think you can even buy it and stuff. If you can find anybody selling it.

It’s… Fisking Time™!

One of the advantages in being out of the country during the government shutdown—until this week I’d been riding out the fiasco working in Asia—is not being exposed to the petty, day-to-day indignities it spawns.

And that’s just the National Park Gestapo. Oh, you weren’t talking about the National Park Gestapo, Chuckie?

There’s no finding out what new outrage the three Chrises (Cillizza, Hayes, Matthews) have dug up. No trawling the Foxbaugh universe to see if there’s any reasonable discourse coming out of Camp Sabotage.

On the other hand, with distance comes clarity,

So add more distance, if you please. Somewhere in orbit around Neptune would seem just about right.

and viewing America’s political decay through the lens of the international world comes with its own problems—not least of which is that it brings the depressing truth about this country’s social and political dysfunction into frightening focus.

That truth isn’t simply that our government is under attack from a band of domestic anarchists—presumably everyone can see that—but that the attack is working.

His Imperial Majesty has been called a lot of things in his life, but “anarchist” most assuredly isn’t one of them. You might say that us Imperial types have a natural aversion to anarchists. They always go on and on about assassinating us. It’s really depressing, you know.

No matter when the current crisis is declared “over,” its damage has already been done. The victory already claimed by those out to drive the American government to its knees will simply embolden the infidels to mount another attack once they’ve licked their wounds, regrouped and gained strength for another Pickett’s Charge.

And “infidel” too? OK, that one we embrace wholeheartedly. We just don’t quite understand how you get from “Pickett’s Charge” to “the attack is working.” Alright, you can admit it: You went to public school, didn’t you? It’s alright, there’s no shame in being an ignorant turd. Except for the shame inherent in being an ignorant turd, of course.

Mm-hmm. That Pickett’s Charge, the last-day-of-Gettysburg calamity than broke the Southern war effort once-and-not-quite-for-all.

If you imagine there’s anything even remotely new about the current movement to cripple the government, well, bless your heart.

You’re right, actually, there isn’t. Except that the pro-slavery forces are coming from the North this time. Other than that, it’s exactly the same.

There’s a notion out there that the Tea Party jihadists leading the crusade against a functional federal government

Because nothing says “functional” better than $17 trillion in debt, record unemployment, a crashing “healthcare” rollout, IRS lawlessness, Fast and Furious, Benghazi, Arab Spring, NSA wiretaps and so on and so forth. Why, if the federal government were more functional, it’d be exactly like the Weimar Republic!

Oh, and “jihadist” too? You guys really do coordinate your talking points as handed to you by the White House very well, don’t you?

represent some new school of grassroots activism and that their dissonance echoes from Wal-Marted plain and Cracker Barrelled valley.

Hicks, trailer trash and inbred yokels, yuk yuk.

If only our intellectually superior progressive “betters” would come up with new “insults” at least once every half century or so, but we guess that’s too much to ask from their massive brains.

In fact, it’s the same old obstructionist strategy that’s been pursued by traitorous Southerners in government since long before Robert E. Lee’s doomed charge at Gettysburg.

Ah! “traitor” too! You’re almost through the checklist now, we see. Oh, and you can hate us later, but those “traitorous Southerners” were Democrats. Yep.

It’s part of the same soiled fabric that stretches from John C. Calhoun and South Carolina’s 1832 Ordinance of Nullification—an argument that essentially said that if a state didn’t like a federal law it could simply ignore it

It’s a bit more complicated than that, but we realize that we’re trying to accomplish the equivalent of teaching a pig astrophysics here. You can “nullify” if a federal law violates the contract that you entered the Union under. A contract known also as “the Constitution.” Much like your car dealer can nullify your lease if you refuse to make your monthly payments. As a matter of fact, under contract law, if any part of the original contract is violated, then you can nullify the entire thing, not just the new parts you don’t like.

Let’s say you and your neighbors get together and all agree that it would be nice if all of your lawns were cut and your hedges trimmed in an orderly fashion, but that it was really too much trouble for each one of you to remember to get it done every week. So you agreed to a contract under which you let a small committee run that shit for you and get it done, in return for which you’d each pay a fair share of the cost. That’s all. Lawn and hedges, nothing more. So you signed it. Then one day a majority of the members of said committee decide that they’d like for all of the houses in your subdivision to be painted pink and promptly commissioned painters to do the job and sent you the bill. In that case you’d be perfectly within your rights to say “fuck this noise” and nullify not only the provision to paint your house pink, but also the entire original contract and tell your neighbors than from here on out, you’d cut your own damn lawn.

That’s not “treason”, that’s how contract law works.

all the way to the Newt Gingrich-led government shutdown and de facto second paralysis brought about by his presidential impeachment campaign of the 1990s.

Nothing was paralyzed and it wasn’t brought about by the impeachment, it was brought about by a president lying under oath which, last we checked, was illegal and therefore impeachable.

With stops along the way to roll back Reconstruction, stop black kids from entering white schools, dismember the Voting Rights Act, etc., etc.

Oh, you mean all of those Democrat initiatives? What exactly does that have to do with Newt Gingrich? Are you confusing him with Democrat Bull Connor again?

Yes, I know Michele Bachmann is from Minnesota and Steve King is from Iowa, but all this proves is that in the 150 or so years since the Civil War, the vituperative Confederate agenda of anti-Americanism has managed to spread its irresistible redneck poison into benighted pockets across the country. Kind of like Waffle House.

Also, unlike the Confederacy, the KKK, the anti-Civil Rights movement etc., they’re not Democrats. But apart from you managing to get both politics AND geography wrong in a couple of paragraphs, your analogy works very well indeed.

But to deny that the current attack on the federal government isn’t part of the hidebound Confederate agenda is to ignore the people who have engineered it and whose sedition will be rewarded with reelection

It also reflects an actual knowledge of basic facts, but don’t let that get in the way of your wonderfully imbecilic rant. We do so love when our enemies are making fools of themselves, something they oblige us with pretty much all the time.

In a piece published earlier this month beneath the headline “32 Republicans Who Caused the Government Shutdown,” The Atlantic tallied up the hardliners who have bent the country into going along with their insidious shutdown. Of the 32 it counted—“there’s no official ‘wacko bird’ caucus that keeps a register,” pointed out in justifying its own need to do so—20 come from Southern states. (Twenty-two, if you include Arizona, a place that more and more is resembling the South in terms of abysmal public education, obstructionist politics and guns in kindergarten.)

Guns in kindergarten??? Damn! You Arizonans get rid of McShitstain and we might consider moving there in a hurry, because that is just perfectly magnificent! It sure beats the “guns” in progressive schools being battery-operated, vibrating things handed out to the children in order to teach them how to better pleasure themselves.

That’s why although we were all supposed to act shocked and appalled when a Confederate flag showed up in front of the White House during a Tea Party protest last week, nobody actually was.

You fill up Sodom on the Potomac with protestors and one guy waves a Stars and Bars around, which is absolute PROOF that the Tea Party is all about slavery and racism, and let’s not even bother trying to explain to this moron how the Stars and Bars means none of those things to us actual southerners, yet we’re supposed to just ignore the rape tents, drug abuse, shitting on police cars and attempted acts of terrorism in the shape of blowing up public bridges during Occupy Whatever because “those umpty-hundred thousand examples are not in any way indicative of the movement as a whole.”

Whatever.

Among the Atlantic’s ignoble menagerie of clampdown Clampetts is North Carolina Representative Mark Meadows, the man rightly identified as the “architect of the brink” and “the man behind the government shutdown,” by CNN and others. It was Meadows who in August wrote that open letter to John Boehner and Eric Cantor, then press-ganged 79 of his colleagues to sign, demanding that Congress “repeal ObamaCare in its entirety this year, next year, and until we are successful.” It was Meadows who insisted on tying that effort to defunding the government.

First time we hear of him. That damn Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, constantly getting our memos lost in the mail. We keep telling them they need to start using FedEx or some other reputable company instead of the USPS, but will they listen?

Much as Kentucky’s Mitch McConnell did in 2010 when he said that the “single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president,” Meadows’ legislative gambit revealed a man and a party absorbed in a classic state of Southern pique.

Why thank you, kind sir. Doing what you promised the people voting for you that you would do if elected is now “a classic state of Southern pique.” You really oughtn’t flatter us so much.

It’s a pathology sadly worthy of Calhoun and his whole sorry legacy of tantrum-throwing quack parliamentarians who want to continue enjoying all of the benefits that come with being part of the United States without having to make any of the necessary sacrifices or compromises.

Calhoun, another Democrat.

Besides, the only “necessary sacrifices or compromises” he objected to were all against the Constitution as originally signed on to. Yes, he was pro-slavery and thank G-d that his views didn’t win in the end, but he was also right in stating that slavery fell under States’ Rights and the 10th Amendment.

But that could have been fixed, couldn’t it? After all, the Constitution clearly outlines a way that a more enlightened society could have done away with slavery in a very peaceful and bloodless manner. All they would have had to do would be to amend the Constitution in the way clearly described within it. But that would have been HARD, wouldn’t it? It’s funny, really. Something as self-evidently wrong as treating people like property, much like the current progressive party views every single citizen of the United States, shouldn’t have been that hard to abolish through a 2/3 majority, should it?

But hey, let’s not do it the tedious and legal way, let’s just do it at the point of a gun. It’s the progressive way! As a result, this nation spent 4 years and more than a half a million lives because one part of the Union had a boner for having their way and, just like a screaming brat in a candy store, gave less than one solitary shit about anybody else.

The Brits at least had the common decency to do it the “hard” and legal way. Sure, it took a while for Wilberforce and friends to get slavery abolished, but nobody died because of their way of following The Law of the Land, for which they’re justly admired to this very day.

But we digress.

In addition to all the unfair treatment Paula Deen has received from the mean old lamestream media this year,

For admitting to having used a word thirty years ago that not a single person in this nation, were they to be honest, has never used. In return for that she had her career destroyed, her book contract was cancelled and she became the target for the Tolerant Progressives’ Two Minutes Hate for weeks. Did we mention that she used said word in private conversation with her husband after she’d been held at gunpoint by an armed nigger at work? She might have been understandably upset at that, you know. And yes, we said nigger. You want we should say it again? Nigger. He was a fucking nigger. Hopefully he mended his ways and later became somebody not worthy of that insult, but when he put innocent people in fear of their lives he was a fucking nigger.

But that makes her a pariah deserving of having her livelihood destroyed according to you so-called “tolerant” leftist swine.

Which you casually and sarcastically dismiss as yet another example of those irrational right wing terrorist extremists complaining about the “mean old media.”

And we know. You leftist thugs tried to pull the same stunt on us years ago, and that wasn’t even for using that word that you can’t use apparently, it was for merely disagreeing in a comment on one of your websites. You failed, but think about it: You were perfectly OK with trying to get me fired, making me and my family homeless and starving my infant children simply because I disagreed with you?

Yet you get to call people like myself “traitors”, “terrorists”, “arsonists”, “racists” and G-d knows what else and we’re just supposed to shut up and take it and agree that you’re so very “tolerant?”

Fuck you. Fuck you good and hard.

the angry Dixie mob has been galvanized most effectively by still another Southerner, Texas Senator Ted Cruz. The oratorical bar-lowerer is renowned for staging a 21-hour filibuster against Obamacare in the Senate, during which he read “Green Eggs and Ham” to his children. (What’s with Texas “My Pet Goat” Republicans turning to children’s books in times of national crisis, by the way?)

At least president Bush finished reading the book before going on to kicking pisslamist ass all over the Middle East. It’s not like he just told the military to stand down and then went back to sleep while his ambassador was getting murdered because he needed a good night’s rest before going on a fundraiser with Beyonce.

More notable, however, is the catastrophic defunding strategy Cruz called for in May when he implored the House Appropriations Committee to “abolish the IRS.”

It would seem a rational response to an agency that has now become the Gestapo of the DNC, suppressing dissent during election years. Actually, we personally think they should all be swiftly tried, then shot.

This may have sounded like the latest wacko bird statement from yet another phenomenally shortsighted backwater pol with a Gospel zombie constituency to suck up to.

It wasn’t.

It was the cotillion debut for the latest strategy in the South’s never-say-tie fight against the U.S. government. Having failed through military, social, moral, political, procedural and pretty much every other means to destroy the Union, the Southern star-chamber that can’t let go of its antipathy toward America has hit on a new approach.

Take away its money.

“Its” money? Who earned that money, exactly? It sure as fuck wasn’t Lois Lerner, seeing as how she was too busy issuing directives to audit conservatives on her master’s orders.

It’s the Tony Montana philosophy in reverse: “First you take away the money, then you take away the power.”

Hey, why not look to “Scarface” for inspiration? The guy was from Florida, after all. And he had the Cubans in his back pocket.

Don’t give us any ideas. Not that you need to. We already have them. We also have all of the guns. Or “little friends”.

While I was in Hong Kong, President Obama canceled a trip during which he was to attend the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit in Indonesia and the ASEAN and East Asia Summits in Brunei. Obama blamed the shutdown for canceling appearances at sessions where global leaders gather to figure out who’s going to play makeweight in world affairs in coming years and who’s going to sit on the sidelines.

Which is funny, considering that his presence here wasn’t really all that needed, was it? All he did was to say “I won’t negotiate with Republicans.” We think that he could have done that just as well over a phone line. He sure didn’t seem to have any trouble using the phones to “negotiate” with terrorists like Iran. And by “negotiate” we mean “give them everything they want”, just as he did with Putin.

We have an idea: How about Boner and McCockless invite Vladimir Putin over to handle negotiations for them the next time they feel they have to pretend to represent the idiots who voted for them? They’ll for once get everything they want, because Princess Hussein will wet her tutu the second Volodya opens his mouth.

She has done so every single other time she’s had to face an opponent with functioning testicles.

Thatisall.

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Special Ed
Special Ed
October 23, 2013 00:47

It would seem a rational response to an agency that has now become the Gestapo of the DNC, suppressing dissent during election years. Actually, we personally think they should all be swiftly tried, then shot.

Out of a cannon into a volcano?

And Fustest!!

LC Xystus
LC Xystus
October 23, 2013 02:31

…[O]ne guy waves a Stars and Bars around The photo I saw showed a popular version of the CSA battle flag with a saltire, not the Stars and Bars (which I suspect not so many northerners would recognize). “What’s with Texas “My Pet Goat” Republicans turning to children’s books in times of national crisis, by the way?” Chunk Dumpson isn’t… Read more »

LC Roguetek
LC Roguetek
October 23, 2013 05:56

Um, not to put too fine a point on it…

PIckett’s Charge was led by -Pickett-.

Not Lee.

If you’re gonna use history to make a point, you’d better get it right.

Not you, -him-.

Cannon Fodder
Cannon Fodder
October 23, 2013 10:06

Hey, why not look to “Scarface” for inspiration? The guy was from Florida, after all. And he had the Cubans in his back pocket.

If my memory serves me correct, for once, Tony Montana was from CUBA!

I do wonder how many websites this guy had to use to come up with all that.

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
October 23, 2013 10:22

And this is the sort of propaganda we face from the left. That guy’s brakes need to fail. You can “nullify” if a federal law violates the contract that you entered the Union under. A contract known also as “the Constitution.” Much like your car dealer can nullify your lease if you refuse to make your monthly payments. As a… Read more »

Libsareb Raindead
Libsareb Raindead
October 23, 2013 10:32

It’s a pathology sadly worthy of Calhoun and his whole sorry legacy of tantrum-throwing quack parliamentarians who want to continue enjoying all of the benefits that come with being part of the United States without having to make any of the necessary sacrifices or compromises. The projection is strong with this one. The present pathological leaders of the party of… Read more »

Qoheleth
Qoheleth
October 23, 2013 10:58

Misha, the leftists have ALREADY seceded from America – at least, from any America I’ve ever recognized. That being said, if they’re fixing to secede, I’m not going to stand in their way. Because if there isn’t a peaceful separation or a return to the Constitution, the civil war is coming, and I for one am opting to call it… Read more »

LC Patton
LC Patton
October 23, 2013 11:02

Wait, we’re jihadists leading a crusade? This guy has a master’s degree in inappropriately mixing his metaphors.

Guest
October 23, 2013 13:23

KArnold says: That being said, if they’re fixing to secede, I’m not going to stand in their way. That can’t be allowed to happen because the Prognazis hold the coasts. If there’s a separation, either the Ruskies or the Chicoms will be on our shores for “peacekeeping” before the first year is out. Then it’s only a matter of time… Read more »

Qoheleth
Qoheleth
October 23, 2013 13:58

…the Prognazis hold the coasts…”

There’s coastline running from Brownsville, Texas, to Elizabeth City, North Carolina, that may not sell out to the Progs.

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
October 23, 2013 15:05

KArnold says:

There’s coastline running from Brownsville, Texas, to Elizabeth City, North Carolina, that may not sell out to the Progs.

And if need be, we could always invade and lay waste to Mexico in a couple of weeks, then we would have even more coastline :em01:

HempRopeAndStreetlight
HempRopeAndStreetlight
October 23, 2013 18:45

Sounds good. When do we saddle up?

LC Xystus
LC Xystus
October 24, 2013 01:58

And then there’s Alaska, whose coastline is much longer than it looks–bordering on Russia. Pooty-Poot might find a convenient market for Izhmash, etc.

Fa Cube Itches
Fa Cube Itches
October 24, 2013 15:50

LC Roguetek @ #:

Um, not to put too fine a point on it…

PIckett’s Charge was led by -Pickett-.

Not Lee.

Actually, it was led by guys like Kemper, Garnett, and Armistead – the brigade commanders.

LC Roguetek
LC Roguetek
October 26, 2013 17:19

Scuse me. -ordered- by Pickett.

The point being, Lee wasn’t involved. IIRC, Lee was pretty pissed about the whole thing.