404Care Funnies

We say “funnies”, because seriously, they are. The same way watching a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football is funny.

Granted, it would be even more funny if our nation didn’t happen to be the actual football, but you get the idea.

1) Princess Barry just got done telling us that we just need to call the hotline if the website doesn’t work. The hotline whose number is 1-800-F1U-CKYO and no, we’re not making that up. At least they get a point for “truth in advertising.” What happened immediately after that? The phone lines melted down. “Who could have FORESEEN?”, said no one ever. But seriously, it gets better: The hapless idiot drone you get to, IF you get to a hapless drone instead of a busy signal or a message saying “we’re currently experiencing an unusually high volume of calls. Please call back in 2035”, will then have to sign you up using, you guessed it, the same website that you couldn’t get to in the first place.

We suppose that the poor drone could then call 1-800-F1U-CKYO too.

“You can’t professionalize unless you federalize”, right, Tom Dasshole?

2) During that same press conference, after three weeks of desperate searches for the Mythical ObamaCare Enrollee™, Comrade Hussein managed to dig up 13, thirteen stage props to stand around behind him. At least he didn’t hand out lab coat costumes to them like he used to. And out of those 13, thirteen, only one had actually managed to enroll in OgabeCare. Two others had managed to get past the 404 screen to the point where they’d actually managed to register an account, but they were definitely “looking forward to shopping for plans”. One day. Maybe. If the $600 million site actually ever works.

Which is truly heroic. Just try to register for a new email account on Yahoo or Gmail and you’ll see how hard that is. Oh fuck, never mind.

3) Not to worry, though. The federal government, shying away from no expense (since you and your great grandchildren’s grandchildren are paying the tab), have brought in the best and brightest in the nation to fix the “glitches” (which is what the Obama Praetorian Media Guard and 85% of the “conservative” media call the worst clusterfuck in IT since they invented AOL call the unrolling 404Disaster that is OgabeCare) that are troubling the Best Healthcare Initiative in the History of the Universe™.

At which point we, having some experience, though not as much as all of the people who happen to agree with us, with project management, have to admit that we broke down in tears because our sides were hurting from laughing harder than any human being should ever have to laugh.

Sure. Hiring More People™ is sure going to speed up the process. Actually, it will. If the reason your project isn’t going forward is that your current team CAN’T go forward. In that particular case, when you need somebody with expertise that your team is not in possession of, you obviously can’t proceed unless you have such a person.

But even in that rare case, or at least it should be rare because what the fuck were you doing starting a project without hiring the subject matter experts you need in the first place?, it is STILL not going to speed your project up. It’s going to slow it down. Because now you have a new batch of outsiders that you have to bring up to speed which means meetings, meetings, more meetings and then some more meetings until you’re ready to slice your gut open with a cheese grater.

And we’re being gracious here, assuming that FedGovCo and the Obama team who couldn’t code straight actually went and got the most ass-kicking IT ninjas that the industry can provide, which is about as likely as His Imperial Majesty winning the lottery fifteen weeks in a row on the same numbers. Most likely, what they DID hire at 6 digit salaries were a bunch of knuckledragging family members, illegitimate nephews and campaign donors who are still struggling to figure out how to set up an auto-reply in Microsoft Outlook.

They still have to be brought up to speed. They still have to have copies of the entire code. They still have to learn just how the gazillion different calls and subroutines work together and then, THEN they have to figure out how to un-fuck FedGovCo’s clusterfuck.

Best of luck with that.

We’re still laughing.

Thatisall.

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Erbo
Erbo
October 22, 2013 00:58

So, Ogabelini thinks that, just because he ignored all those other laws over the course of his pResidency, he can just ignore Brooks’ Law, too? And they won’t get many of the “best and brightest” developers out there to help them (certainly not me, I’d tell them to fuck all the way off), because many of those developers happen to… Read more »

redc1c4
redc1c4
October 22, 2013 01:47

i went to the federal page, and they re-directed me to the Failifornia portal.

it only took that page a few seconds to tell me i should sign up for Medi-care.

that’s not insurance, that’s a death sentence. :em07:

LCBren
Admin
LCBren
October 22, 2013 04:13

Misha: thanks for the 4 day window. Considering how bad things are, I very much appreciate the writing space and time you gave me in between posts,

Thanks :em01:

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
October 22, 2013 06:09

There is no way they’re going to just “Put in a few patches.” This is a full systemic rewrite. What little of the code has come out is making me sicker then I already am, and I”m not a programmer! So, what do you think will happen next year when people looking for their tax refunds suddenly find they have… Read more »

sleeper
sleeper
October 22, 2013 07:15

I’m tired of hearing the web troubles called Glitches. A glitch is a short-term, intermittent problem. Hard to troubleshoot. These are not glitches, they are naked manifestations of malfeasance and incompetence.

Even if the web site worked perfectly and everyone paid half as much for health care, the ACA is still unconstitutional.

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
October 22, 2013 07:27

sleeper @ #:

the ACA is still unconstitutional.

But, But, But, John Roberts says it’s constitutional!!
:em07:
He should be impeached, convicted, removed, drawn, quartered and shot.

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
October 22, 2013 07:50

angrywebmaster @ #:

You forgot BURNED!

0007
0007
October 22, 2013 07:55

I’m still waiting for the photos of roberts f******g his dog (or whatever the demos had on him to buy his vote) to get leaked to the dnc media by the dnc. An easy way for the kenyan and his lackies to pick up another for sure vote at the court.

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
October 22, 2013 08:01

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut @ #:

You forgot BURNED!

Sorry. I’ve been sick the last few weeks and I just found out what with. I am not happy.
:em08:

Special Ed
Special Ed
October 22, 2013 08:29

He should be impeached, convicted, removed, drawn, quartered and shot out of a cannon into a volcano.

That about right?

You’re welcome.

Guest
October 22, 2013 09:44

Cool, they have live chat: I signed in as Asomo Bendeen Overstein Chat with someone who can help [08:54:36 am]: Nancy Good Morning. [08:55:13 am]: asomo ditto [08:57:20 am]: Nancy Did you have a question? [09:00:29 am]: asomo can i get medical assistance for my families’ servants and household staff in a group plan? [09:01:12 am]: Nancy Thank you for… Read more »

HempRopeAndStreetlight
HempRopeAndStreetlight
October 22, 2013 09:47

Only happy when his ashes are shot off planet via a Saturn 5 into the fucking sun.

Roberts is an insult to the word despicable.

Guest
October 22, 2013 11:39

0007 @ #:

How about John Roberts is the illegitimate love child of John Kerry and Pugs Pelosi?

Fa Cube Itches
Fa Cube Itches
October 22, 2013 17:24

angrywebmaster @ #: “He should be impeached, convicted, removed, drawn, quartered and shot.” Nah, wayward public servants must be “purified” first. Plus, no reason not to get Roman about it – seize lands, possessions, etc.; and family goes first, 10 minutes before, so they have time to contemplate the cost of their actions. It also lets everyone els see the… Read more »

LC Roguetek
LC Roguetek
October 22, 2013 19:02

You’re assuming most of those gutless feebs could even -recognize- a sword, let alone lift one.

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
October 22, 2013 19:42

angrywebmaster says:

So, what do you think will happen next year when people looking for their tax refunds suddenly find they have been “Fined for not having obamacare” and their refund is seized?

Just as planned.

LCBren
Admin
LCBren
October 22, 2013 19:45

How about John Roberts is the illegitimate love child of John Kerry and Pugs Pelos

Better idea.

Helen Thomas as a six week old corpse / resurrected zombie sex slave in g string , no bra and purple hair, sitting astride John Kerry with the caption “It’s been a loooong time”…..

Fa Cube Itches
Fa Cube Itches
October 22, 2013 20:10

LC Roguetek @ #: You’re assuming most of those gutless feebs could even -recognize- a sword, let alone lift one. That was sort of the point of the line – it was a bunch of people who didn’t know how to use a sword trying to behead someone while panicked because they knew their turn was next. It took a… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
October 23, 2013 10:27

LCBrendan says:

Better idea.

Helen Thomas as a six week old corpse / resurrected zombie sex slave in g string , no bra and purple hair, sitting astride John Kerry with the caption “It’s been a loooong time”…..

:em05: :em05: :em05: :em05:

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
October 23, 2013 11:23

LCBrendan @ #: Helen Thomas as a six week old corpse / resurrected zombie sex slave in g string , no bra and purple hair, sitting astride John Kerry with the caption “It’s been a loooong time”….. Thanks, you now owe me a new monitor, keyboard, and the wall behind my desk will need to be cleaned and repainted due… Read more »