Well That’s a Relief!

After much worrying that our awesome State Department might have done something wrong causing the rape and murder of a U.S. ambassador along with three other Americans in Benghazi while Barack the Bastard slept soundly, preparing for a fundraiser with Beyonce, we finally, finally achieve closure now that known traitor to the United States, John Fuckface Kerry, has absolved his own department of all wrongdoing:

The State Department is insisting that secretary of state John Kerry’s decision to reinstate four employees put on administrative leave in the wake of of last year’s Benghazi attack was the right call. A spokeswoman said that Kerry, after revewing the Accountability Review Board’s report on the attack and the “totality of the careers” of the four employees, determined that the the action taken against them was “not warranted.”

Oh yes, did we mention that? Not only did this obviously authoritative and unbiased, complete review by the State Department find that the State Department had done nothing wrong, Fuckface Kerry also found that the four scapegoats put on leave with full pay to appease the masses could go right back to work helping to get the next U.S. ambassador raped and killed.

“These are people with real lives, real careers,” deputy press secretary Marie Harf told reporters on Tuesday?.

Absolutely. Unlike the four Americans murdered who, and we have to admit that the Junta is right there, have no real lives and careers anymore because, well, they’re dead.

And the former head of the department is running for president in ’16, so just shut up, you wingnut extremist terrorists! Not to mention that the commander in chief ultimately responsible for ALL of it has very, very important golf vacations to attend to, unlike those “phony” dead Americans who have no important obligations anymore now that they’re dead.

PRIORITIES, you wingnuts and whacko birds! Just shut up already. Case close, the debate is over, the people under investigation have decided that they did nothing wrong and that’s the END of it.

To quote Barack the Bastard: “If you don’t trust us, then we’re going to have a problem.” Why do you hate America so much? Why must you stir up trouble by not trusting your obvious betters, wingnuts?

And if you expect the GOP to do anything other than providing bread and circuses for the unruly peasants in order to make it look like they give a shit, then you’re in for a disappointment.

Oh sure, there will be sternly worded memos, even a few “hearings” with no answers while the perpetrators plead the Fifth and then nothing will continue to happen until you stupid rubes have forgotten all about it, leaving the DemoCans and RepubliCrats to do the only thing that they really give a shit about, which is ensuring enough votes to continue their sinecures so they can keep the bribes, excuse us, “campaign donations” rolling in.

Meanwhile, four Americans remain dead and unreachable for comment. But who cares? They had to be sacrificed to save the “real lives and careers” of your betters in Washington DC.

Now get back to work, peasants. All of those vacations, junkets and hookers won’t pay for themselves, you know.


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franklaughter (@franklaughter)
August 21, 2013 09:05

But…bu… Our emperor! Weren’t the Forgiven Four simply standing by orders of Hideous Hillary and Barack the Bastard? You know, sorta like Guiltless Gestapo.

Fa Cube Itches
Fa Cube Itches (@fa-cube-itches)
August 21, 2013 13:47

Well, of course Lubyanka-on-the-Potomac would find that there had been no wrongdoing. Obviously, none of the selfless, highminded patriots who work for the Fifteenth Directorate are responsible for the security of our diplomats would ever be anything less than 110% diligent in their efforts. Frankly, citizen, to even think, let alone state, anything to the contrary goes well past the… Read more »

Igor, Imperial Booby
Igor, Imperial Booby (@igor)
August 21, 2013 14:20

A relief indeed. Now I can go back to my bread-and-circuses. :em02:

Nothing to see here. Move On, Citizen, move on.

August 21, 2013 20:37

Fa Cube Itches says:

Frankly, citizen, to even think, let alone state, anything to the contrary goes well past the point of treason.

That’s why we have our brave National Sekurity Abteilung constantly monitoring us (for our own good of course), to swiftly punish any treasonable utterances.

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E. (@cmblake6)
August 22, 2013 00:53

There are no words that are acceptable in the bowels of an aircraft carrier suitable for this.

LC Xystus
LC Xystus (@xystus)
August 22, 2013 01:09

Harf, Harf, Harf!