News You Can’t Use: Dating Vegetarians

30% of Meat Eaters or, as they’re also known, “carnivores” or “individuals who understand the meaning of ‘omni’ in ‘omnivore'” or “humans using their bodies the way G-d designed them (or Nature, if you prefer)” won’t date a vegetarian, according to this study.

We’ll let Bill Quick have the first response since he’s the one we stole it from (and, besides, we like his responses. A lot):

Of course. Vegetarians tend to be either religious whackjobs, eco-nutcases, or just obsessively weird. The few minor exceptions to this rule aren’t worth the risk.

Undeniably true that. However, we will point out that we’ve met a few who didn’t fit any of the above categories. Not a lot, but they do exist. So it’s a matter of risk assessment, as Bill says.

And even if your vegetarian “possible” isn’t a screaming, fundamentalist nutjob, there still remains the practical side of it all. Do you forgo the joy of eating meat altogether, do you sneak off for the occasional side of bacon in the garage or do you spend the rest of your life having to cook separate dishes for your S.O.? The latter won’t necessarily work either, as you’d have to cook yours outside to avoid the “I can’t stand the smell of burning flesh” nagging.

No matter of what, it’s bound to put a bit of a strain on even the most open-minded of relationships.

Moreover: it’s not a matter of “both sides giving and taking”, as it’s always the carnivorous one who has to do the giving. You won’t find the vegetarian saying “OK, so I’ll eat a double bacon cheeseburger every other night of the week if you’ll eat tofu with me the rest of the time.” It is all give and no take for the meat eater, so it really oughtn’t come as a surprise to the morons behind that “study” that a lot of them said “fuck this noise, no way.”

Of course, there are exceptions. Or so they say:

Meat eater Joshua Bernstein has never been shy about his love for beef and pork, and used to wax poetically about it when he wrote a column for the New York Press. Even when he started dating Jenene Chesbrough, a vegetarian who now is his wife, he still let his love for meat shine through in his writing, often noting his partner’s distaste for his barbecue fetish.

But it all worked out!

How did they do it? We’re sure you’re dying to hear:

“Dating a vegetarian is not that much of a crimp on my carnivorous lifestyle and Jenene never judges my dietary choices,” he told TODAY.com.

Yeah, right, whatever. HOW DID YOU DO IT?

“Not eating meat just forces me to find more creative ways to cook flavorful and often healthier meals at home. In fact, about the only difference is that I don’t really cook flesh-based foods in the house.”

Oh? So Jenene never judges your dietary choices and it’s not that much of a crimp on your carnivorous lifestyle? You just flat out said that you quit eating meat, didn’t you? Or are we just not properly understanding the meaning of the word constellation “not eating meat” here? You want to know why she’s not “judging you” and your carnivorous lifestyle, Joshua?

BECAUSE YOU DON’T FUCKING HAVE ONE ANYMORE, THAT’S WHY. Unless one can be “not eating meat” and still be carnivorous, that is. Maybe we’re missing something here. English is our second language.

Far be it from us to judge your choices. We don’t know if you’re just in denial, if your penis is an “innie” instead of the more traditional “outie” or if you’re just a plain metrosexual wanker, but you certainly don’t understand logic very well.

Tosser.

Thatisall.

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ICD
ICD
July 8, 2012 00:04

I’ve actually dated several vegetarians, have vegetarian cousins and a vegetarian sister, and several more vegetarian friends. Literally never had an issue with it, and I never cut back my meat consumption one iota. With the exception of one of the ones I dated, they’re all pretty damn normal. There actually are certain health benefits to being a vegetarian, though… Read more »

Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan
Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan
July 8, 2012 01:44

When the wife and I eat out we almost always go for the vegetarian menu. A few years back we starting buying locally produced meat, minus the hormones and steroids. I know the farmers that produce it, and honestly mega-market meat tastes not quite right now.

LC Gunsniper
LC Gunsniper
July 8, 2012 02:14

I think Bill is conflating “vegetarian” with “vegan”. Militant vegans are the true Screwy Louies.

og
og
July 8, 2012 06:14

I worked with a young man who was vegetarian for religious reasons-he was a Hindoo, and was the embodiment of a polite pagan. As a group we ate where we wanted, and he always found something on the menu to eat- even if it was only fries or rice. And he never complained or even made comment about what he… Read more »

VAconservative
VAconservative
July 8, 2012 06:21

My son is vegetarian (not vegan). He finds it nigh on impossible to feed his two preschoolers in conformity to his dietary choice, so he feeds them some meats. He’s Libertarian and definitely not wacko. And a good sense of humor. He’s glad there’s no meat needed to make beer.

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
July 8, 2012 06:25

I think I know of at least one vegetarian no one here would mind dating. (If she were available) Mythbusters Kari Byron. There just something about a cute red head who will work with meat she won’t eat and giggles like a little school girl when she blows the engine block out of a car with an M82 Barrett .50… Read more »

LC TerribleTroy
LC TerribleTroy
July 8, 2012 09:06

I have first hand knowlege to the exception to the rule. You wouldn’t know of the behavior unless you ate at her home, where she does prepare meat for meals fo her SO. But, by and large the self identified “vegans” are pains in the ass. The whiny restaurant routine is the one that pisses me off. It is either… Read more »

Mark12A
Mark12A
July 8, 2012 12:02

One thing has always confused me: If you aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they filled with meat?

LC MosinFiend
LC MosinFiend
July 8, 2012 14:05

Vegetarian: A Cherokee term meaning “lousy hunter/fisherman” 😀

Guest
July 8, 2012 14:28

Q: How many vegans does it take to make a salad?
A: Just one, if you slice ’em thin enough. But, it would be a chicken salad.

Muzzy - Imperial Ignorant Slut
Muzzy - Imperial Ignorant Slut
July 8, 2012 14:52

I’m a vegetarian inbetween meals.

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
July 8, 2012 16:01

Muzzy – Imperial Ignorant Slut @ #:12

What? You don’t keep bacon cooked up in the fridge for a snack?

NR Pax
NR Pax
July 8, 2012 18:07

Q: How can you tell who the vegan is at the dinner party?
A: Don’t worry. They’ll tell you.

LC Spare Parts
LC Spare Parts
July 8, 2012 19:14

I was asked to try a vegetarian diet. I couldn’t eat a whole one at a sitting. And cannibal bags were not provided.

rickn8or
rickn8or
July 8, 2012 20:37

Just pointing out once again that Hitler was a non-smoking vegetarian.

Guess that means I lose the argument, huh?

LC Dread Pirate Geoarrge
LC Dread Pirate Geoarrge
July 9, 2012 00:14

I started trying a reduced carbohydrate/increased fat diet in January and since I began losing weight effortlessly I’ll admit to growing somewhat more– preachy in recent months. I could have been a particular asshole when I visited my vegetarian cousin for the weekend, whining about the granola he served for breakfast on Saturday, the pancakes on Sunday, and so forth.… Read more »

Guest
July 9, 2012 00:30

rickn8or says:

Just pointing out once again that Hitler was a non-smoking vegetarian.

Guess that means I lose the argument, huh?

Godwins Law does not apply to light humor.

Draven32
Draven32
July 9, 2012 00:59

VAconservative says: My son is vegetarian (not vegan). He finds it nigh on impossible to feed his two preschoolers in conformity to his dietary choice, so he feeds them some meats. He’s Libertarian and definitely not wacko. And a good sense of humor. He’s glad there’s no meat needed to make beer. Hopefully he knows exactly what he’s doing with… Read more »

LC Draco
LC Draco
July 9, 2012 11:33

Vegetables are what food eats.

:em05:

TheRoyalFamily
TheRoyalFamily
July 9, 2012 15:02

I could be a vegetarian. Pizza doesn’t need meat. Vegetarian lasagna is simply divine. I’d miss the hamboigahs and turkey sandwiches, but I’d survive.

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
July 9, 2012 20:12

TheRoyalFamily says:

Pizza doesn’t need meat

BLASPHEMER!!!11!!

I think you need sent to the Imperial Game Room for re-education, Everything needs meat, including breakfast cereal.

rickl
rickl
July 9, 2012 22:39

Vegetarians are just predators who prey on creatures that can’t run away.

irish19
irish19
July 9, 2012 23:32

LC Alric @ #:
Dammit, you beat me to it. That always gets a chuckle from the kids when I’m subbing, occasionally even a guffaw.

LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
LC Ohio Right Wing Nut
July 10, 2012 19:55

LC Xealot @ #:25 My great-grandfather, the Yugoslavian brick layer, used to take the homemade bread great grandma made everyday and sop up the bacon grease out of the pan with it at breakfast…but he did die at a very young age of 97. But then again, he didn’t sit behind a desk all day, “8 for 8 or you’re… Read more »