You Can’t Professionalize Unless You Federalize

On a slightly different note, a gargantually gimp-brained one, we just read the most monumentally moronic pile of idiotarianism that we’ve had the distinct displeasure to read in quite a little while.

It appears that the TransportSicherheitsAbteilung of the Reich, also known as “Poor, Wonderful People just Follovink Orderz” are quite a bit miffed that the disgusting civilian peons don’t worship them enough and are insisting on more power (h/t PopeHat), a piece so Fluorescently Fuckheaded (we can’t say Incandescently Idiotic anymore since incandescents were outlawed by “compassionate conservative” Dubya the Dim) that we had to read it at least a dozen times before we managed to even consider that it wasn’t an Onion piece.

“Bring out your Fisk!”

“A lot of people take this job very seriously—any bag I open could be my last,” said Heydrich Thomas, a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) baggage screener who works at New York City’s JFK airport and is also local union leader.

Before we say anything else, allow us to note how wonderfully prescient Mr. Thomas’ parents were in choosing his first name. Except it should have been “Reinhard”, but they could have kept their preferred choice as his middle name.

“Any bag I open could be my last” indeed. When will this ungrateful nation finally wake up from their indifference and recognize the selfless sacrifice and untold horrors faced daily by those TSA True Heroes of the United States who have been blown up by adult diapers by the flipping bushel load over the years? We are truly shamed, shamed, we tell you by our very own personal failure to recognize the clear and present dangers of fingering four-year-olds on a daily basis, not to mention the sacrifice of possibly puncturing granny’s colostomy bag while checking it for C4. OK, they may have a point there…

TSA employees, who work to prevent explosives and other weapons from entering airplanes, have some of the most dangerous jobs in America.

Forget about patrolling the mean streets of America, spending months in the mountains of Assfuckistan surrounded by fanatical fucks with a penchant for blowing themselves up, being on an EOD team trying to disarm explosive devices put together by rank amateurs etc. No, sticking your fingers up where the sun doesn’t shine on Aunt Cheryl from Wisconsin to make sure she’s not hiding a nuclear device in her uterus is where the rubber REALLY meets the road. The blue latex rubber, that is.

Two by two, hands of blue.

According to TSA employee Eric Wood, vice president of American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE) Local 1120, TSA employees find approximately 30 guns a week nationwide when searching people’s bags.

Well tie a fat intern to our crotch and call us Billy Jeff! If finding an inert piece of metal isn’t just about the most terrifying, life-threatening thing you can possibly imagine, then we don’t, by the lightning-spewing bunghole of Zeus, know what IS! It must be like staring into the tentacled face of Cthulhu himself, like staring down the horror that is Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, like finding yourself between the wrinkled thighs of a very naked Helen Thomas…

The horror. The HORROR!

But despite the dangerous nature of their jobs, TSA workers have long been denied the ability to improve their working conditions through collective bargaining. Reports and surveys by the Department of Homeland Security’s inspector general show morale among TSA workers is at record lows,

Being about as popular as Ebola (and deservedly so) will do that to you.

and that this jeopardizes airport security. According to AFGE officials, many TSA supervisors are former military members who create a hostile work environment for employees.

How? By not giving a fucking shit about their feeeeeeeeewings? And would those former military members be individuals who had faced actual danger not being particularly impressed by outcries of “OMG, there was this passenger with a nail clipper, a NAIL CLIPPER, who called me an ugly name”?

In addition to poor treatment from bosses, TSA employees told In These Times that on a daily basis, workers are shouted at and have obscenities hurled at them by airline passengers upset for following TSA search procedures.

More specifically, shouting obscenities at them for finger-fucking their toddlers or jacking off to scanner pictures of their tweens which, really, how RUDE IS THAT? Perhaps the imbecile rent-a-jerks of the TSA need to realize that the best way of avoiding being called a totalitarian jackarse is to not behave like one?

Let’s make one thing clear here, and this is one of the reasons that we won’t ever board an airplane until those fascist TSA fucks are sent off to jail: If you illiterate dregs from the very bottom of the evolutionary barrel were ever to have your hands within three nautical miles of the Imperial Heirs’ privates, you’d be so fucking dead a minute later that even Jesus himself couldn’t raise you. And that’s not hyperbole. We’ve taught our kids that nobody, NOBODY who isn’t a medical professional under the supervision of at least one of their parents gets to even think about touching them there without their express consent and that we will, quite cheerfully and enjoying every last second of it, torture to death anybody who violates that rule, so help us G-d.

And we’ve forgotten more about actual torture than those semi-sentient TSA humanity dropout goons will EVER learn, so it should prove quite the learning experience to them.

Several workers complained that on several occasions airline passengers had physically assaulted TSA workers, but the passengers were allowed to board flights because TSA screeners are unable to arrest passengers who assault them.

TSA cannot legally arrest or detain power under powers granted to it by the federal government; in order to make arrests, TSA workers must call local police situated in the airport.

TSA workers’ inability to detain or arrest people also hinders their ability to protect airlines in general. “My job is to stand in the exit doors that passengers from arriving flights are leaving. I am supposed to stop people from entering the airport through those doors, but if somebody tries to run through those doors, all I can do is yell at them to stop and call the police,” said one TSA employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing her job.

Yeah. That’s exactly what we need. A bunch of barely literate rent-a-cops, many of them recruited through advertisements on pizza boxes, who wouldn’t make it past the entrance exam for mall ninja endowed with the power to arrest citizens for not being respectful enough.

TSA employees are also paid significantly less than comparable federal employees,

“Comparable federal employees?” Are E. Coli on the federal payroll as well these days?

according to AFGE spokeswoman Emily Ryan. The starting salary for TSA employees is $24,000 a year; salaries max out at $36,000. At a forum on TSA workers hosted at the AFL-CIO’s Washington D.C. headquarters on December 20, female TSA workers complained that it is difficult for women to obtain more highly paid TSA jobs working as baggage handlers. Since there is a shortage of women in the TSA and women TSA workers are requested to pat down sexually assault other women, most women are required to work in passenger screening—a lower paid job category in the federal agency.

Fixed that for you. So what are federal rapists elsewhere paid?

In the hopes of improving workplace conditions, last June the 44,000 strong TSA workforce voted to join AFGE. TSA employees had been barred for nearly 10 years from unionizing as a result of Bush-era rule denying TSA workers collective bargaining rights, but were granted this right by Obama’s TSA Administrator John Pistole.

Of course they were. How else is the NSDWP going to keep the funds rolling in for their candidates?

Many TSA union leaders say that it has been very difficult to draw attention to the refusal of TSA to bargain a fair contract with workers because of media outlets’ negative portrayal of TSA search procedures. “We don’t feel we can stand up for our rights because of the media portrayal,” Wood says.

Here’s a novel suggestion: Maybe you ought to try to work for a more friendly portrayal by actually starting to behave like actual members of humanity?

Seriously. If not even the ball-washers of the Ogabe Junta can find anything nice to say about you, then maybe you’re approaching this in the wrong fashion.

Following the debut of more stringent passenger screening procedures in recent years, a range of groups and individuals—from both the left and the right—have generated public anger against the TSA. But TSA bars employees from responding directly to allegation of sexual harassment levied against individual employees. All the TSA employees I spoke to at the December forum on TSA workers denied that they have ever performed strip searches, claiming that the TSA protocol does not allow them to strip people naked—an accusation that has galvanized some against the TSA.

And if the TSA say they’re not doing it, then it must be true. Forget about that nonsense about “hearing both sides” and “due process.” Everybody EXCEPT the TransportsSicherheitsAbteilung are lying through their lying, damnable TEETH!

While there has been a very high degree of concern among progressives about the search policies of TSA, the often brutal working conditions of 44,000 people charged with protecting our airports have largely gone unnoticed.

44,000? Really? That’s almost three full SS divisions! And we’re PAYING for that?

And Weepy Boner the “fiscal conservative” can’t even find that as a suggestion of cuts in spending?

If those conditions had received as much media attention as the search procedures they are charged with implementing, it’s possible America’s newly unionized airport screeners might have had a first contract by now. Instead, negotiations with the federal government continue.

The only negotiations those useless fucks are entitled to is “do you want the blindfold or don’t you?”


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LC Jackboot IC/A
LC Jackboot IC/A
January 5, 2012 02:13

the often brutal working conditions of 44,000 people Are you fucking kidding me? Brutal, rLLy? I can think of at least 100 jobs that entail brutal working conditions, and a TSA screener isn’t one of them. Only a Ogabe rimmer would have allowed these assholes to unionize. I’m sure all the usual suspects worked behind the scenes on that one.… Read more »

Imperial Grammar Nazi, G.L.O.R
Imperial Grammar Nazi, G.L.O.R
January 5, 2012 08:50

The starting salary for TSA employees is $24,000 a year; salaries max out at $36,000.

OMG. Cry me a damn river. They’re FEDERAL employees, so in addition to their salary, they get BENEFITS.

The minimum TSA salary is TWICE what I am making, and I pay my own way, TYVM.

LC SecondMouse
LC SecondMouse
January 5, 2012 09:21

Where is the report that shows me how many TSA employees have been killed or injured in the line of duty? I can find that data for the military and law enforcement, but just can’t seem to put my hands on it for the rent-a-air-cops.

/sarc off

FrJim, Imperial Chaplain
FrJim, Imperial Chaplain
January 5, 2012 16:21 DJ, You are close, but not quite. And please keep in mind, some of these folks are doing entry level work with only a high school diploma. After college, my first job was $10,500, medical, and expenses. A friend of mine from seminary – after almost 20 years of work in professional ministry – makes $36,000. He has a… Read more »

LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech, Imperial Photographer, K.o.E.
LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech, Imperial Photographer, K.o.E.
January 5, 2012 18:21

No more fizzy goodies from the duty-free on the way home anymore. They opened (sob) EVERYTHING! ‘Made a mess o’ the corks.
‘Better to invest in the non-carbonated stuff nowadays.

Cannon Fodder
Cannon Fodder
January 5, 2012 22:22

$24,000 – $36,000 …. Isn’t that about the starting range for a police officer most places? And a much more dangerous job to boot! :em03:

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
January 6, 2012 11:18

A soldier starts out at $17611.20 a year according to DFAS. And they have a much more dangerous job!
These TransportSicherheitsAbteilung union shits are worth maybe $12 a year.

LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E.
LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E.
January 7, 2012 09:42

VonZorch Imperial Researcher says:

… These TransportSicherheitsAbteilung union shits are worth maybe $12 a year.

Maybe if broken down into his component chemicals? The value of the a-hole is worth less than the sum of his parts.