From PCWorld (h/t Bill Quick).

Which differs from the usual “bold” predictions of future tech in that it actually talks about stuff we don’t already have, whereas most of the clowns predicting tech stuff are just “predicting” that our current tech will become faster, prettier and cheaper. Which is like “boldly” predicting that the next big Apple phone will be called iPhone 5 or that we’ll one day see PetaByte SS drives.

The article is marred a bit by the author, as so many other idiots before him, predicting that the desktop PC will be replaced by smartphones. Which must be the 769th time that the desktop PC has been declared dead, yet here we are, still typing away on one.

Obviously, the author has never used a desktop PC for anything other than playing solitaire or browsing for pr0n (NTTAWT), or perhaps he’d like to explain how desktop users like yours truly will happily throw their current desktops away so they can play Fallout: New Vegas on a 2.5″ smartphone screen? Or how about the guys at Pixar making their next movie on a screen the size of a slice of toast with the immense graphic processing powers of an Android phone?

We’re not saying that smartphones, notepads, tablets, what have you don’t have a place, they’re perfectly fine if all you need to do is to play Angry Birds, listen to your mp3 collection and find the closest Thai restaurant, but a replacement for a custom-built powerhouse of a racehorse desktop PC they will never be.

His Imperial Majesty would suggest, instead, that people replacing their desktop PCs with smartphones oughtn’t have purchased their desktop PCs in the first place since they obviously never had a need for one to begin with.

The other “next big things?”

Nanotech batteries. Yes, it’s about time that batteries caught up with the gizmos they power. The joy and convenience of “mobility” is seriously marred by the fact that you pretty much have to find a power outlet to recharge your “mobile” device every 2 hours if you ever dare actually use it as it was intended to be used, i.e. “on the move.”

Augmented Reality, as in “HUD displays in your eyeglasses.” Pretty cool if you wear glasses. Otherwise, that’s what smartphones are for. Besides, do we really need to be bombarded 24/7 with info as we’re walking down the street/driving down the highway? Isn’t it bad enough that half of our commute to work these days is spent leaning on the horn because the braindead bimbo in the SUV ahead of us just has to text, tweet and whatnot and thus can’t be arsed to move when the light turns green?

Health Tech, as in gizmos that count your calorie intake as well as the number of calories you’ve burned all day long. Seriously? Yeah, that’s all I really fucking need. Some overpriced electronic gizmo attached to myself that can constantly nag me every single fucking time I eat another hot dog or order another beer. I’ll never have to do without my PCP’s haranguing, sermonizing and lecturing me. Really?

Flexible OLED Screens. Yes, Virginia, fully functional screens that you can roll up and stick up your… Er, put in your briefcase or something. Alright, this one we actually can see a use for. Not, as the author suggests, as a smartphone screen (do they allow people to legally marry their smartphones where the author lives? He should look into it) you can roll up in between uses. OK, we can see his point, but don’t tell us that constantly rolling and unrolling one of those wonder screens isn’t going to tear them the fuck up eventually. No, where we can see the use of them is on the wall. Imagine a 70″ screen that you can hang on the wall with a couple of pieces of masking tape as opposed to having to bolt a steel construction that would deflect a proton torpedo into your wall. Oh, and you could move the screen later if you didn’t want it on that wall anymore. In five minutes. Neat!

Living-Room Tech. As in “more ways to hook your TV, computers, consoles, stereo etc. up to each other and the rest of the world.” Yawn. You mean to tell us that there even are more ways to do that? We can already stream music, video and Bob knows what else remotely from any bloody TV in the Imperial Palace. What else is there to do? The author doesn’t say. Only that it will be spectacular. Or something.

Speech Recognition/Interface. Finally something we can truly get excited about! Imagine an intelligent AI that understands what you say, can take dictation, can infer what you mean from spoken language and will learn from you as you interact with it, all hooked up to all of the other gadgets in your house. Yes, we know that prototypes exist, but they’re pitiful. Siri is a step in the right direction, to be sure, but we’re not there yet. We need to get there, though, and fast. It is truly pathetic that we’re in the 21st century and we still, in all of our interactions with our wonderful electronic gadgets, have to rely on clumsy interfaces, typing in commands, observing syntax carefully lest we inadvertently reformat the hard drive or end up on pages with pictures that will scar our brains forever, you name it. It’s about time that we finally disconnected the digital revolution from our, er, digits.

We’ll get there, though. Things are coming together, but it’s taking much longer than it ought to.

And finally 3D Printing. Yay. Make a perfect copy of something on a 3D printer. We can’t hardly contain ourself. So we can just print out our favorite car at home? Seems to us it would be much cheaper and much more efficient to just buy the damn thing from somebody who is mass-producing it but hey, that’s just us. Unless the raw materials for the “print” will just appear magically out of thin air, that is, in which case it would be pretty cool.

OK, so the article didn’t exactly blow our mind, but at least it contained actual ideas. And it gave us a chance to mock something, so it’s all good.

Thatisall.

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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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Shaitana
Member
January 2, 2012 22:03

My smart phone has a portable lapdock that it plugs into so that I can pretend to have a computer. Oh right, I had to spend a week hacking the shit out of it to make it even usable as a basic desktop. Stupid phone companies still think its a phone with a computer inside, instead of a tiny computer… Read more »

Southern Libertarian
Member
Southern Libertarian
January 2, 2012 22:23

Emperor Misha I Imagine a 70? screen that you can hang on the wall with a couple of pieces of masking tape as opposed to having to bolt a steel construction that would deflect a proton torpedo into your wall. What’s wrong with being able to deflect a proton torpedo? If you Imperial guys would have done that on your… Read more »

LC Dread Pirate Geoarrge
Member
LC Dread Pirate Geoarrge
January 2, 2012 22:42

One thing I’d like to see in the near future is a touchscreen combined with ultrasonic force fields to make a virtual keyboard you can actually touch type on.

tweell
Member
tweell
January 2, 2012 23:38

Yes, I know that a smartphone has more computing power than many of the desktops I’ve used, but I want all the gigaflops I can get my hands on, and that smartphone simply cannot compete with a fully decked out PC. I could get behind a better interface, though – this qwerty keyboard was originally designed to slow a typist… Read more »

LC HJ Caveman82952
Guest
LC HJ Caveman82952
January 2, 2012 23:55

I’m a basic kind of guy, meaning ignorant of many computer functions. But this desktop I use is several years old, has been upgraded twice, and somehow I’ve grown fond of this Acer nineteen inch monitor. Even have a spare still in the box. I do have a netbook more powerful than this machine, not to mention portable, but being… Read more »

Erbo
Member
January 3, 2012 00:31

Sorry, tech futurists…you will get my 6-core, 16-gig-of-RAM, 2-ter-of-disk, custom desktop, with dual 21″ HD displays and a keyboard and mouse that would baffle most mere mortals, when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers! (Unlike most people, I actually do some significant things with that power…like building Android from source.) Yes, I love my iPhone 4S, and I… Read more »

simonwise
Member
simonwise
January 3, 2012 01:12

I’m still working away on my Commodore VIC-20.

I does the job I need it for, but I must admit, adapting it to broadband was quite a project.

LC Gunsniper
Member
LC Gunsniper
January 3, 2012 01:26

I’m still waiting for my ZF-1.

Even Santa gyped me on that one. :em07:

NR Pax
Member
NR Pax
January 3, 2012 06:14

Speech Recognition/Interface. Finally something we can truly get excited about! I’d be happy with a setup where the interface listens to your voice saying commands for a few seconds and then understands what you are saying from that moment on. As it stands, I have to yell at my Bluetooth interface and enunciate every syllable until it realizes that I’m… Read more »

LC Mike in Chi
Guest
LC Mike in Chi
January 3, 2012 08:30

I’m waiting for the “Smart Crapper Deluxe 3000” It does a complete urine and feces analysis, checking everything from liver enzymes to microbial and parasitic infestation that can be sent to your health care provider, employer or even that blind date you found on Craig’s List. The bidet model would include inter-active appliances for online role playing and hemorrhoid removal.… Read more »

LC Light29ID
Guest
LC Light29ID
January 3, 2012 10:11

I just want a grocery bag of Viagra and my holodeck programed for the Playboy Mansion cira 1970’s.

I’ll leave the suicide note pinned to the door.

:em01:

LC FORGER - Monster Hunter
Member
January 3, 2012 10:16

My biggest gripe/bitch/complaint about my ‘Droid fone is that it’s loaded up with 64 versions of App Shits that I HAVE NEVER USED and will NEVER use so they do nothing more than clog up storage like shit in a sewer. The only EIGHT that I use are the ones I have installed myself, TWC, Bing, Firefox, Kindle Reader, U.S.… Read more »

NR Pax
Member
NR Pax
January 3, 2012 10:26

“Here’s your TRULY Smart Phone. It has an OS and camera and a Metric Shit Ton of free storage for you to use as you please.” Between that and having a Windows machine that only comes with the most basic of programs when it boots up, I’d be set myself. BTW, Forger, I assume you are a Correia fan as… Read more »

LC FORGER - Monster Hunter
Member
January 3, 2012 13:03

BTW, Forger, I assume you are a Correia fan as well based on the last part of your name and the patch in your icon? Roger that, Pax. IRT a WINBox, I have built every ‘puter I’ve had ‘cept the first one back in ’95. The only thing that I have on it is what I put on it. I… Read more »

Shaitana
Member
January 3, 2012 23:22

Yeah I am not happy about the phones being waay behind on allowing us to do what we want. If not for those hardworking kind souls at xda I would be so lost. As it is I am currently running the Aura Debloated ROM with the webtop 2 sd hack. It works as well as it is going to. Though… Read more »

LC Xystus
Member
January 4, 2012 02:31

Darth Misha: I should have thrown that bastard down the reactor core a long time before I actually did. Strange, everybody says “reactor,” but recent reviewing indicates the opening in question surrounded an elevator shaft, & I don’t see how it could be the main reactor, anyway, which was open to space (which didn’t stop at least one parody from… Read more »

LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech, Imperial Photographer, K.o.E.
Member

IROR,, infra-red orifice recognition, embedded into the seat, recognizes the heat configuration of the registered user’s bung. If the motorcycle, car, boat, whatever is switched to start without first disarming the IROR, a capacitor will discharge through the unrecognized bung.

Igor, Imperial Booby
Member
Igor, Imperial Booby
January 5, 2012 13:46

And finally 3D Printing. Yay. Make a perfect copy of something on a 3D printer. We can’t hardly contain ourself. So we can just print out our favorite car at home? Seems to us it would be much cheaper and much more efficient to just buy the damn thing from somebody who is mass-producing it but hey, that’s just us.… Read more »