OK, it’s Official: Bloomberg IS Now Competing with The Onion

We suspected it a bit when they ran Alter’s column praising Ogabe because his administration alone has been unique by being “scandal free.”

Sorry, we have to take a break. That one still makes us laugh hysterically… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There, all better now.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Alter’s Alternate Reality Column and our suspicions that Bloomberg was becoming a satire site. One swallow does not a spring make (unless it’s one heck of a bird), but now we have Jeffrey Goldberg, who also works for the Atlantic which, prior to becoming a home for gay gossip and conspiracy theories about Sarah Palin’s womb, was actually a respectable publication, telling us at great and utterly imbecilic length how Barrack Hussein Ogabe is really the one who will save Eretz Yisroel from Iranian nuclear destruction. No, seriously.

He starts off with the predictable boiler plate, understanding and agreeing fully with Israel that a nuclear Iran is unacceptable to Israel BUT that they really can’t do anything about it and that it would be a terrible mistake for them to try. As opposed to the somewhat more terrible mistake, if you ask us, of doing nothing at all and just waiting for the nuke to drop.

And yet, a preemptive Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities could be a grievous mistake. For one thing, it may already be too late. The Iranians may have dispersed and hardened their nuclear program to the point that an Israeli strike would do only glancing damage.

The typical moronic “do nothing” approach to emerging threats so very common among whiny little liberal girls: Let’s pretend the problem doesn’t exist and, if pressed, state that any action is “premature” and “needlessly aggressive” until we reach the point where procrastinating has rendered the threat “too difficult to do anything about.”

Ask Patton’s ghost. The people of the former Soviet Union might have enjoyed an extra 5 decades of not being slaves if the entire western world hadn’t sat on their hands for long enough to make the Soviet Union a threat strong enough to make kicking their arses a prohibitively expensive undertaking. Thankfully, Reagan found a way around that without firing a shot, something that liberals will hate him for until eternity.

Or how about Chamberlain and his merry band of “let’s just wait and see but let’s not be beastly to the Hun” appeasers? If the west had put their foot down when Adolf marched into the Rheinland, tens of millions of people would have had a chance to live and watch their grandkids grow up but no. Instead they sat on their doffs until Germany had grown strong enough that they could start arguing that going up against them would be too hard.

But we digress.

Where Goldberg gets really, really funny is when he starts making the argument that Ogabe the Redeemer is Israel’s Only Hope:

Which brings us to the single most important player in this drama: President Barack Obama. He has said, repeatedly, that an Iran with nuclear weapons is unacceptable to the U.S.

The day we start paying attention to and attaching any credibility to anything the Liar-in-Chief says is the day you can pull the plug, tie a tag to our big toe and roll us off to the morgue.

Many Israelis, and many Americans, think Obama is soft on such matters.

We can’t imagine why. After all, he “has to deal with” listening to Bibi “every day.”

But I believe,

That and a blurry picture of a UFO will get you a nice poster you can hang on your wall to declare your love of The X-Files.

based on interviews inside and outside the White House, that he would consider using force — missile strikes, mainly — to stop the Iranians from crossing the nuclear threshold. Why? Four reasons:

Oh, we have a feeling that this is going to get good

First, Iran and the U.S. have been waging a three- decade war for domination of the Middle East. If Iran goes nuclear, it will have won this war. American power in the Middle East will have been eclipsed, and Obama will look toothless.

More than he does already? More toothless than his courageous stand against paleosimian terrorist murderers where he insisted that any agreement would have to start with Israel going back to their 1967 borders? That would be quite an achievement. But you’re right, Jeffrey, of course he can’t allow himself to appear weak. The entire MFM would swarm over him like flies on shit to make fun of him if he did.

Sorry, we have to take a brief laugh break again.

Second, every U.S. ally in the Middle East — Israel, the Gulf countries and Turkey, especially — fears a nuclear Iran. The president would have their complete support.

Oh yes. Sure they would. They’d be trumpeting their support of an attack on Iran all the live long day! Heck, even Karzai might take a minute or two from swearing to stand by Pakistan in a conflict between it and the U.S. to applaud the infidel attack upon a muslim nation, no doubt about it!

Third, the president is ideologically committed to a world without nuclear weapons.

If only he were even remotely practically committed to it as well which, based on his record of inaction, is very much in doubt. But bloody hell, His Imperial Majesty is “ideologically committed” to a world where money grows on trees, war is a word you have to look up in the dictionary on the rare occasions that you even hear it mentioned and the average IQ of Hollywood actors is in the double digits.

So surely that’s about to come to pass too.

If Iran gets the bomb, it will set off an arms race in the world’s most volatile region. At the very least, Saudi Arabia and Turkey will seek nuclear weapons. It would mark a bitter defeat for Obama to have inadvertently overseen the greatest expansion of the nuclear arms club in recent history.

“Inadvertently?” Inaction in the face of obvious threats is not a virtue, nor does it make any further growth of that threat on your watch “inadvertent” and, so far, inaction is all that we’ve got from the Pissypants-in-Chief. Inaction is also an action. So if he’s really as concerned about this as you seem to “believe” that he is, he’s several years late.

Finally, the president has a deep understanding of Jewish history,

No… Please… Make it stop… We can’t stand it… BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

UNCLE, already, you vicious sexual abuser of maternal units! We can’t stand it!

and is repulsed by Iranian anti-Semitism. He doesn’t want to be remembered as the president who failed to guarantee Israel’s existence.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No, please, we can’t stand it anymore, you’re killing us here!

So, seriously, what’s the new name for Bloomberg going to be?

Bloombergin’ Onion?

Don’t keep us in suspense. Please tell us.

You’re a laff a minnit, mate, we can tell you that much.

Thatisall.

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November 9, 2011 09:31

I am now of the opinion that the disgusting creature known as Obama has a strong enough hold on the weak-minded American Idol voters to get re-certified as Destroyer in Chief. I believe that we are at the end of our run as a once great republic and will become an unimportant bureaucratic slave to the new power elites. In… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
November 9, 2011 10:33

LC MaxMomFl: Don’t give up. That’s how Satan wins.

LC Xealot
LC Xealot
November 9, 2011 10:46

The one bright spot in this (and I’m a pessimist by nature, so pay attention to this one): The military is still substantially on our side of the political fence. Now I’m not calling for a revolution here, but I suspect as dumb as the Left might be… they have to know they can’t piss on the military TOO much… Read more »

LC Subotai Bahadur, Lord Pao An
LC Subotai Bahadur, Lord Pao An
November 9, 2011 13:33

My Liege, And yet, a preemptive Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities could be a grievous mistake. For one thing, it may already be too late. The Iranians may have dispersed and hardened their nuclear program to the point that an Israeli strike would do only glancing damage. The quoted concept only holds if the yield of the ordnance involved… Read more »

LC Jackboot IC/A
Admin
LC Jackboot IC/A
November 9, 2011 13:39

LC Xealot says: I heard on the radio yesterday they were considering Sanctions. Ohhhh Noooooseyss…..not those horrid sanctions once again! Of course Russia and China are already banging their sippy cups against even thinking of those, so it will never happen (again) that the Turtle Bay Turds™ will buck those places. Better to fuck the US and Eretz Yisrael, than… Read more »

readerjp
readerjp
November 9, 2011 14:31

I believe this author previously wrote a piece like this, or maybe it’s the same one, for NY magazine. Something entitled “Why Obama is the Best Thing for the Jews.” My jaw dropped when I saw it.

AyUaxe
AyUaxe
November 9, 2011 15:08

While I know I’m gonna deeply and thoroughly enjoy seeing the terrified, cowering looks on the 52ers’ when reality finally hits them in the gut, I’m not much looking forward to the shitstorm their idiocy has already unleashed on all of us. Those of us with a clue will likely prevail or at least be able to get some of… Read more »

LC Draco
LC Draco
November 9, 2011 17:05

LC Subotai…..

I learned a LONG time ago, there is no such thing as a fair fight!!! The only ones that get to write the history are the victorious!!

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
November 9, 2011 17:45

My definition of a fair fight is, one I open with a surprise strike to the back of my opponents head with an implement such as a crowbar or axe.

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
Admin
LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
November 9, 2011 18:14

One swallow does not a spring make

No but it does make for a helluva first date! :em01: :em05:

Sorry, that just jumped off the page at me and I couldn’t resist. I’ll go back and read the whole thing in all sobriety and seriousness now.

irish19
irish19
November 9, 2011 22:54

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:
It does indeed! ROTFLMFAO!!!!

readerjp
readerjp
November 9, 2011 23:10

IRAN WARNS U.S.: IF YOU KILL ANY OF US, WE’LL KILL DOZENS OF YOU A top commander in Iran’s Revolutionary Guard force has threatened to kill “dozens” of American military commanders, should the U.S. kill any one of theirs, the Associated Press reported Tuesday, November 8. “You also should not forget that American commanders have plenty of presence and travel… Read more »

Mark12A
Mark12A
November 10, 2011 15:00

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:

Be careful. If you run for president, someone will call this sexually offensive. You might be up for a Caining.

But it was funny…