“But… I’m not dead yet!”

“You will be in a minute if you don’t shut up!”

“I don’t want to go on the wagon…”

By the swollen right testicle of Jove, what has been going on in the Empire?

We get buried in things we cannot easily avoid addressing for a few, much like Uncle Julius when that cunnus Vercingetorix thought it was time to get sporty back in 702 AUC and he had to run around for a few months until settling the score at Alesia, and when we get back we find that the triumvirate is gone and… wait, that was Uncle Julius again.

Anyway, we’re still alive, but what a world we find ourselves back in, neh?

The Prog Nominee Clown Show has been winnowed down to an angry Communist (the only kind there is, really), and a poster boy for Alzheimer Awareness Month, the Glowbull Wormening Cult is being led by a mentally ill child from Sweden and it all doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all going to die from the ‘flu in a month or two.

“Oh, but this is not the ‘flu, this is the KUNG KILLER WUHAN DESTROY US ALL ‘FLU™”


, we hear from usually sane sources. Yes. A ‘flu with about the same infection parameters, symptoms and slightly higher mortality than the regular ‘flu which has, last we checked, so far failed to End the World As We Know It™ after Dis even knows how many regularly scheduled outbreaks ever since we came up with a name for it. It’s so regular now that we even have the name “flu season” in the vocabulary. It’s more regular than a newborn’s bowel movements. Heck, even the seriously dangerous Spanish ‘Flu of WWI fame failed to make much of a mess of civilization, and that was back when we had absolutely no flipping clue what we were dealing with.

Not to mention SARS, MERS and H1N1, every single one of which were more lethal by orders of magnitude than this one. Quickly, everybody tell us about the MERS Panic™. No? Didn’t happen? Civilization didn’t end? Well colour us surprised, because by current levels of hysteria, it certainly should have, considering that it was every bit as infectious and 36, that’s thirty-six, times as lethal.

Yet this one, THIS one is definitely, DEFINITELY at least one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse! THIS time it will get us!

Listen, we’re not saying to not use your brains here, like washing your hands, not hanging around people coughing and hacking their lungs out without covering their mouthes, but perhaps a little bit of perspective is in order?

We don’t know. In the long run, we’re all dead, and maybe this particular case of the sniffles is what’s finally going to eradicate the species that survived the Black Plague, who knows?

Personally, however, we expect to see a LOT of YouTube videos in about 6 months time about how to turn surgical face masks into usable coffee filters and “101 ways to make tasty meals out of those 400 lbs of lentil beans you’ve got stored in your garage for some reason.”


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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BC, Imperial Torturer
March 16, 2020 20:41

Mein Imperator! It’s about fuckin’ time you put down the flagen of mead and sent the Imperial Harlots off to wash and rest their nether regions! Those poor girls are going to be suing for Worker’s Comp if they don’t get more rest! (HR has been sending out Nastygrams by the buttload. Check yer email one of these damned days!)… Read more »

March 8, 2020 10:15

Good to see you back. Please try to pop in a little more regularly, I have missed your snark. I just point out to my kid that most of the Chinese dead were starting from a position of severely compromised pulmonary function due to China’s horrific air pollution. Add in not being able to trust any stats out of that… Read more »

Reply to  LibraryGryffon
March 9, 2020 06:38

Also leading to compromised health is that about half the men in China smoke.

March 8, 2020 12:53

Not to be one dissuaded by a little bit of virus, still going to fly to AZ this week, family duty and all. But I am here to tell you that anyone that so much as coughs nearby is causing every head within hearing to snap in that direction and the “dive for cover” reflex to take over. As to… Read more »

March 8, 2020 17:17

I have a supply of toilet paper. I will send you all you need at the low low price of $5 per sheet.

Reply to  angrywebmaster
March 9, 2020 18:05

My wife got a panicked call from her sister the other night. A case was sort of confirmed in Missouri, and she advised us to “stock up on toilet paper”. Seriously? Even if toilet paper is unavailable, there is no emergency. Washcloth, soap, water? No phone books any more, but(t) plenty of ways to tidy up the derriere. Never underestimate… Read more »

Reply to  sleeper
March 10, 2020 04:09

The supermarket down the street from me has full shelves of toilet paper. I will be happy to purchase some and ship it to those in need…for a small fee.

say $5 per sheet? 🙂