Much blustering and banging of chests from the general direction of third world shithole Tehran.

As you all know, the Mad Mullahs, being more used to compliant, cowardly sniveling pussies as U.S. Presidents, threatened not-so-subtly with shutting down the Strait of Hormuz a bit ago.

“Do not forget that we have maintained the security of [the Strait of Hormuz] throughout history. We have historically secured the route of oil transit. Do not forget it.”

That one, we must admit, had us laughing out loud.

The Iranians, with their three rowboats and a jet ski fleet “maintaining the security” of the Hormuz? It’s a good thing that nobody with an actual navy ever tried to shut it down then, isn’t it? You’re “maintaining” exactly jack and shit, you towelheaded morons, and the only reason you’re still allowed to suck air is because we have let you. So far.

President Trump’s response was delightful. We particularly enjoyed the bit with “SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE”. Bet you that had the goat bothering buffoons peeing a bit in their gowns. Not that they’d ever actually admit it, but that’s how you know that you got the attention of the drooling Jihad LARPers of the world. They immediately start blustering and rattling their rusty scimitars to hide the sound of piss hitting the floor.

Revolutiary Guards Corps Quds Force Major General Qassem Soleimani said in a speech Thursday, “I, as a soldier, respond to Trump. Mr. Trump! How do you dare to threaten us?”

Because he can? Whatever are you going to do about it, Jihad Johnny? Bleed on him?

“We are closer to you than what you think. You should know that I am your foe. The Quds Force alone and not all the (Iranian) Armed Forces is enough to be your rival (in any confrontation). You are aware of Iran’s power in asymmetric war,”

Ah. Terrorism. How novel. At least you’re coming right out in the open and admitting to what anybody with half a brain already knew you’d been doing for decades. So you’re threatening us with starting to do what you’re already doing because otherwise… what, exactly?

As far as open declarations of war go, this one is just as pathetic as we’d expect from somebody coming from a culture yet to invent indoor plumbing, but it will do if we need one.

Pray that we don’t.

“You should know that there is not even a single night that we don’t think of destroying you,” he continued. “…We are so close to you in places that you might not even think of. Come to us! We are waiting for you.

Don’t hold your breath while you’re waiting. Actually DO hold your breath. Because that’s not how we do things in the 21st century. Our way is more along the lines of you lying around in bed with your favorite goats and boom, suddenly the sun rises at 4 am from 7 different directions.

You know that this war (against Iran) means destruction of all of your possibilities. You may start the war, but we decide when it should end.

Inasmuch as your unconditional surrender will end such a war, you certainly do. But that’s the only choice you’re likely to get.

Do not threaten us with killing. We are thirsty for martyrdom and annihilation of arrogant powers.”

No worries. You’ll find few greater experts when it comes to handing out martyrdoms on an industrial scale. All without even having to get up out of our chairs. As far as “annihilation of arrogant powers” goes? Now you’re beginning to understand. We’re big fans of that, and it looks like somebody’s dying to get on our list. Literally dying, that is.

Now kindly cease and desist with your nonsense. You’re only making yourselves look even more silly than you already are which, we must admit, IS an achievement of sorts.

P.S.: As a personal favor, could you lay off of the “mother of all…” shtick? That stuff was old hat back when Uncle Saddam was using it fifteen times a day, and it turned out to impress pretty much nobody at all. Just ask him if you don’t believe us. Oh, that’s right. You can’t.


Post-post scriptum: The article linked to is really about some alleged unnamed Aussie sources (meaning “voices in some journaljizzmer’s head”) stating that President Trump and his administration is getting ready to bomb Iran next month.

It’s really not hard to figure out what’s going on here, unless it really is just some fever fantasy in said presstitute’s head. For one, the news value of such a statement is absolute zero. Of course we’re ready to bomb them next month if we see a need to. We have plans in place to bomb them in fifteen minutes, should it come to that. Them and everybody else, as does every nation capable of bombing anybody at all. Planning is what you do ahead of time so you don’t have to scramble to come up with something half-arsed at the last minute, should the shit hit the fan. We’re fairly certain that somewhere in the Pentagon we have numerous pre-planned scenarios for bombing/invading/blockading/pantsing just about any place on the planet, including Iceland, should we suddenly find ourselves in need of one.

For another, if such plans really were a closely guarded secret (they’re not), our Aussie friends wouldn’t dream of revealing them to the world. The Intelligence Communities of nations who are not the United States operate by certain rules, number one of which is “shut the fuck up, or else”, and the “or else” isn’t, unlike this country, “you’ll get a book deal and a movie and be able to retire a multimillionaire.” So it’s quite unlikely that they’d be flapping their gums.

Unless, of course, “somebody” had asked them politely to in order to get somebody’s attention. We’ll leave the rest of that to anybody reading this. We know you’ll figure it out.

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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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July 29, 2018 13:56

Neda Agha-Soltan was unavailable for comment though I believe almost all the Obama Administration who is complicit in her death can be reached at !-800-CNN-Traitor.

July 29, 2018 17:34

Time to dust off these oldies. As my late poppa would say, wait long enough and things come back in vogue :em05:

Yee-haa! Wonder if the Muleahas are smart enough to know when to quit??

Nah. Going to be one of the shortest wars in history if when it happens.

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
July 29, 2018 18:49

As far as open declarations of war go, this one is just as pathetic as we’d expect from somebody coming from a culture yet to invent indoor plumbing, but it will do if we need one. Iran actually declared war on us back in 2010. As for plans, there is a plan on file for any imaginable contingency, including the… Read more »

July 29, 2018 21:52

I raise a toast of nice 15 year Glenlivet to the war planners.

In the immortal words of General Mattis, “be Polite, be Respectful and have a Plan to kill everyone in the room”.

There is an old joke at Annapolis, that the Navy is appended to the Marines, there is a kernel of truth in that.


July 29, 2018 23:45

Our newspapers, my Emperor, are somewhat more than a few degrees to the far left of CNN. Kindly ignore their pathetic bleatings.

We do every day.

They are a sick joke and have been for some time.

July 30, 2018 19:03

Beware! Kangaroo mobs on the loose!!! Eleventy!!

It is CNN, so take that in consideration :em05:

Fa Cube Itches
Fa Cube Itches
July 31, 2018 18:54

VonZorch Imperial Researcher @ #:3

Iran actually declared war on us back in 2010.

And 1979 – invading sovereign territory (in that particular case, an embassy) is an act of war.

August 2, 2018 01:41

RR I have to say it: this is hearsay and no proof has ever been shown. This claims the kids are adopted..but no documents or proof of this claim has ever been tendered. If it has Id like to see it. Sorry but until then I call BS. Also this Sources in the Clark County morgue are confirming that… Read more »

Radical Redneck
Radical Redneck
August 3, 2018 22:15

LCBren @ #:

It was on the ‘net – it’s got to be true!