20 Prozi Questions to the Emperor, Part the First.

John Hawkins, G-d bless him for his saintly patience and perseverance in his quest to work with the mentally ill in order to improve their wretched lives, took to Twatter to offer Prozis a chance to ask a conservative questions.

In an even more astounding display of kindness and superhuman restraint, he then went ahead and answered their deranged delusions with patience, logic and understanding where His Imperial Vileness would have much preferred to just take the opportunity to improve the protein content of the Imperial Lions’ diet. It’s well worth reading, and it might come in handy, should you ever find yourself in circumstances where the disjointed howls and screeches of a Prozi interrupt your daily routine and you’re legally or otherwise restrained from dealing with the flustered fuckwit in an appropriate fashion.

WE, on the other hand, are not known for our patience when it comes to suffering the demented dreck of fools, so here are our answers. We’ll try to be constructive, and we fully expect Hosannahs and much praise for our efforts when we do, but we guarantee nothing.

1) JC ?@JCrock_ Do R’s honestly believe voter fraud is a real issue and not just a blatant excuse to suppress min vote. Please provide proof.

Yes, we do. And there is plenty of evidence that it does happen, documented evidence at that. If you’re too lazy to use Google and/or can’t read for comprehension, we’re obliged to tell you to do your own blasted work. We’re not your mother. Thank Dis.

Further, we find it very interesting that every single country on the face of this planet that A) has a voting system and B) ISN’T the United States, has a system for demanding proof of eligibility prior to casting a vote. It would seem an awful waste of resources to us if there were “no proof of voter fraud”. But obviously you know better than the entirety, minus the United States, of the planet.

Furthermore, just how in the name of Pluto’s barbed cock does voter ID requirements “suppress the minority vote” (just go ahead and say it: black voters. It’s what you mean, only you’re too cowardly to say it out loud) as long as accepted forms of ID are readily available, if necessary for free? Unless you’re suggesting, of course, that “minorities” are too damn stupid to find and walk down to the local DMV/courthouse, or too primitively backwards to own a bank account or drive a motor vehicle, neither of which you can do without proof of identity.

That wouldn’t be very “progressive” of you, would it. But it would be perfectly Prozi. A certain rather well-known Austrian who used to goosestep all over our ancestral lands would be very proud of you and have you enrolled in the Jungvolk right quick. With honors.

2) Michele Passarelli ?@ShellyPass Why are conservatives anti-progress?

First off, Sweet Lips, look up “progress” in the dictionary. You’ll be shocked, but ultimately grateful as you graduate from your room in mommy and daddy’s house. For instance, we think that ending slavery was pretty progressive of us, no matter how hard we had to beat Democrats silly to get it done. And let’s not get started on the Civil Rights Act. Oh, if you could have heard the wails, screams and banging of fists from your “progressive” standard bearers, the Democrats, as we forced them to swallow it.

We’re not against progress, and “conservative” does not, as your young, untrained mind obviously thinks, mean “let’s conserve everything as it is now, for all eternity.” We only seek, nay, demand to conserve that which works until a better alternative can be found. And it’s on whoever comes up with that alternative to prove to the rest of us that their alternative is better than what we already have, in every single imaginable way.

Oh, and demanding that mankind gives up all of the advantages of modern technology, advantages such as hot and cold running water, affordable energy, roomy housing and so on, in order to “be closer to and more respectful of nature” is not progress. That’s in the opposite direction. It would be damnably hard for you to twunt from your smartphone if there were no plugs to stick the charger in, no?

Think before you speak. And make us a sandwich while you’re doing it, if you please.

3) Christopher Wensley?@mipolitico If you’re a Christian how do you reconcile Good Samaritan/Sermon of the Mount with Trump denying Arab children safe passage?

Oh how we do so love it when somebody who is obviously not a Christian presumes to lecture us on the tenets our faith. Yes, that was sarcasm and no, that also isn’t “un-Christian.”

Here’s the thing that you Prozis refuse to understand because you either can’t read or refuse to do so (it’s not like it’s hard to find a copy of the Holy Bible. We even give them away for free): Christ does not command us to go forth and do good deeds. That would be silly because then, and this is the next part, the deeds that we did wouldn’t be good at all. They’d be deeds we’d done because somebody told us to. He urges us to do good deeds, but there is no command in there, nor is there a “you’re not a Christian unless you do what I say”.

Why not? Good question, one that you should have asked in the unlikely event that you had any interest in actually learning something in your entire wretched life, and the answer is this: A deed isn’t a good, Christian deed unless it’s done voluntarily and demands the efforts of only the person who does it. Coercion makes it a nullity. If I were to walk over to your house and tell you, at gunpoint, to go hand over all of your possessions to your neighbor, I wouldn’t have done a good, Christian deed no matter how much the neighbor would surely appreciate it. And nor would you have, because you didn’t do it because you wanted to. You did it because you had to.

And ordering random Americans all over our nation to risk the lives of themselves and their families by importing a group of individuals who are, provably, a risk to life and limb (more than 30,000 mooselimb terror attacks since 9/11 and counting), is manifestly NOT a “good deed.” It’s coercion of the most brutal kind, especially since none of the useless parasites in DC who would be passing such a measure would in any way run any risk of said group of dangerous individuals getting anywhere near their gated, heavily protected communities.

If you, on the other hand, personally, want to let Mustafa, Fatima and their 19 “teenage” sons crash on your couch and if you, personally, assume full responsibility, legally and otherwise, for any acts that they may commit, then…

Until then, mind thine own businethe. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.

4) mrcz0323 ?@mrcz032308 Why do so many people say Trump isn’t racist? Or say they voted for him despite that and feel ok with it?

That one is easy: Because there is absolutely zero evidence that he is. If there is, please provide us with some. No, pisslam isn’t a “race.” Nor is “Mexican.” Just trying to save you some time there.

5) blue in a red state ?@thewaybyelle Doesn’t the president alarm you? What do you think about mass resignations & attempts to silence agencies?

Alarm us? Not really. Why? Has he given us any reason to? Mind you, he might have and we haven’t noticed. The man is a hard worker and it’s hard to keep up. Please elaborate. If you can.

Oh, and there were no “mass resignations.” Try reading something based on facts, which is to say anything that is not called “mainstream media.” You’d be better off reading The Onion. At least they’re occasionally funny. Those resignations roll in every time we switch Presidents, since the ones holding the positions hold them at the sufferance of the President, who is by then no longer, well, President. Sometimes they’re accepted, sometimes they’re not.

Besides, considering the gargantuan clusterfuck that has been the last 8 years when those idiots held their positions, there haven’t been enough resignations. They should all be let go.

Finally, keep in mind that the agencies that you wail about being “silenced” are also employed at the sufferance of the sitting President and are therefore supposed to work in accordance with his agenda, even if it’s one that your chafed butt doesn’t like. They’re not entitled little snowflakes who get to say and do whatever the Hades they please with no consequences, any more than you are in your job as assistant milk foamer at Starbucks. Try badmouthing your boss or hurting his business. Do tell us how that works out for you. Yeah, it’s called “Funemployment”, except we expect the Prozi Party to mothball that term now that one of theirs isn’t in office anymore.

That’s all for now, more to follow.