It’s Better to Give Than to Receive

Sometimes a person in your life will surprise you with a truly heartfelt and compassionate gift. Yesterday I arrive at work and as I walk into my office to get ready for line up I see a package on my desk. I had just the day before ordered some small parts for one of our pieces of medical gear, but no way they could be here this quick, and in such a heavy box too. What ever in the world could it be?!

Why, it’s a camouflage bag.

But what could possibly be inside of it?


Oh myyyy! It’s a bag of dicks!! And multicultural too!!

But there’s no packing slip or note to indicate from whom such a thoughtful gift may have originated. Fiddlesticks, such a quandary. But what’s this? Why, it’s an official equipment tag! At least I have instructions now.


Yay! I’m especially thrilled that the ingredients are mostly ecofriendy!

As I’m laughing in mild hysterics at the brilliant lance corporalesque ass-hattery, I spy out of the corner of my little eye a cell phone poked around the corner of my hatch recording my reaction. Forsooth, one of my people may posses a clue as to the origins of my gift! And indeed they did. My list of possible suspects included two prior service Marines, one prior service squid, and one active reversist squid. One of the Marines is a rookie and I didn’t really think it would be him (He has big brass ones, but he’s also smart enough to not poke the bear), the other one is getting married and doesn’t have the money. The part time squid has been on my bad side in the past and probably would know better. That leaves just one suspect, confirmed by the amateur videographer at my door. (Yes, my powers of persuasion are that strong).

Ahh Sparky, well played sir, well played indeed. I applaud you. However, you just gave me a whole bag full of ammo to make your life here very interesting. 2

You seem to have forgotten that I posses the master key to all the lockers. As this is posting our intrepid little Sparky is arriving on duty and opening his locker.


And wait, what is that that I see? Why it’s Sparky’s shotgun that he so courteously left in my office.


I wonder if a jelly dildo will fit into a .12 gauge shotshell carrier? Only time will tell.

Shh, listen…. Can you hear that?….. Let’s all take a moment to savor the impending terror that will be Sparky’s life for the foreseeable future.

A bag of dicks, the gift that keeps on giving. 🙂

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October 1, 2015 18:27

Bwa ha ha ha! That is almost as good as filling the CO’s office (all 800 Cu Ft or so) with empty milk cartons…… or dismantling the deans VW and re-assembling it on the roof of the admin building…. not that I know aaaanything about that kind of stuff, nosssir!!

LC Gunsniper
LC Gunsniper
October 1, 2015 18:30

I wonder if a jelly dildo will fit into a .12 gauge shotshell carrier? Only time will tell.


It would make for an interesting and colorful improvised bayonet.

October 1, 2015 18:48

3 things: 1. I don’t know who the deviously clever bastard was that may or may not have purchased such a well thought-out gift (and prove otherwise). My guess is it was yet-to-be-filed evidence in one of our numerous S 38s within our zone/AOR. Again, this is only a hypothesis to offer a potential alternative route of investigation (pun withstanding).… Read more »

October 1, 2015 19:14

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:

On a completely unrelated note, and I mean really off-topic here, I’ve decided to start op-checking and securing my shotgun at every shift. Also unrelated, what is our agency’s current policy on the donning of “Bag-O-Dicks-resistant” helmets?

October 1, 2015 20:03

Crunchie – a morally upright and kind Midshipman 2nd class told a certain clueless 4th class how things work and that in the Navy you NEVER volunteer for anything or ADMIT to anything. Wise advice. :em01:

October 1, 2015 20:05

The equipment tag, you must admit, is accurate and quite well done.

LC&IB Vulcanrider, MSgt, USAF, Ret
LC&IB Vulcanrider, MSgt, USAF, Ret
October 2, 2015 08:22

Reminds me of the time, in a place far, far away (OK, a 20 man site in Turkey), that it snowed on Christmas Eve night. And the NCO’s (that’s what I heard anyway) decided to make a Christmas gift for the old man. Well, he opened his door to go to breakfast and found an 8 foot snowman blocking his… Read more »

Lady M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper G.L.O.R
Lady M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper G.L.O.R
October 2, 2015 12:38

LC&IB Vulcanrider, MSgt, USAF, Ret says:

I would NEVER have anything to do with something like this…

:em05: :em05: :em05:

LC Jackboot IC/A
LC Jackboot IC/A
October 3, 2015 19:03

Sparky, Not to worry, I’m still in possession of the aforesaid person of interest’s coming out party. Replete with painted nails. Methinks my old brother mayhaps forgotten that incident. Considering his advanced age, this is to be expected however “The One Who Shall Always Be Known As Bangie Thing” did indeed serve as the affiant to the documented evidence. My… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
October 8, 2015 11:19

I don’t care who you are, that shit’s funny right there. To steal a line from somewhere.