Save The Trees, Wipe Your Ass With A Hummer

Normally I would leave the Gorbot Enviroloon bull to the Imperial Torturer™, but this article was just too good to pass up.

Leave it for the Brits to get their pansy ass knickers in a twist over toilet paper. It’s obvious they are suffering from TP envy.

The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country’s love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public’s insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.

Oh geez, now they’re channeling Sheryl Crow. It doesn’t take long to figure out where this pile of crap is going.

“Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution.”

Can anyone here feel the difference between virgin wood and slutty wood? *snicker*

A campaign by Greenpeace seeks to raise consciousness among Americans about the environmental costs of their toilet habits and counter an aggressive new push by the paper industry giants to market so-called luxury brands.

Ok Nimrods, keep your damn hands off my Quilted Northern, or I’ll shoot.

Americans already consume vastly more paper than any other country — about three times more per person than the average European, and 100 times more than the average person in China.

Good, then I don’t have to feel so bad about telling you EviroLoons to kiss my ass. At least I know it’s cleaner than yours is.

“I really do think it is overwhelmingly an American phenomenon,” said Hershkowitz. “People just don’t understand that softness equals ecological destruction.”

I would have loved to have seen that idiot’s face when he said that. There is no way in hell anyone could have made such a statement without laughing their asses off unless they were absolutely dipshit insane.

Maybe they would like us to use John Wayne TP instead. Rough and Tough, and doesn’t take Shit off of nobody.

It’s bad enough that we are expected to stop eating meat, recycle potato peelings, sit in the dark, and worship at the alter of AlBore the Almighty Gorecle, but when you start screwing around with my toilet paper we’re gonna have words.

With that I will close with a hearty BUTT OUT!!

87 comments

  1. 51

    OK … this moderation stuff is killing me.

    Interpretive Clog Dancer sez:

    I can’t help but agree with this, not necessarily because of ecological implications, but because of the sheer efficiency of it. So-called “luxury TP” is more expensive, and does require more resources. We are running out of trees. And honestly, I already use one-ply, it aint that bad.

    Ever been to Boardman, OR?

    Entire squaremile sections of eastern Oregon Desert sagebrush scrub … local town sewage is processed, and drip irrigated into miles and miles of individual genetically altered Poplars. So many that the local climate is starting to change for the better.

    Most of these trees are sold for wood pulp … and they grow damned fast.

  2. 52
    LC hilljohnny says:

    they’ve revolutionised the art. now we have REUSABLE toilet “paper”.
    btw the fed tax on cigarettes goes up $6 per carton soon. link

  3. 53
    LC FreedomFighter says:

    NUTS!!! :em96:

  4. 54
    LC Ted says:

    The brits attitude towards tolet paper is summed up by a TV Charicter over there known as Arnold Rimmer, he talks about only using 3 sheets on a visit to the loo, “One up, one down and one to polish.”

    To bring this full circle, when the general population has to pay for universal health care and all the freeloading radical muslims. They don’t have the money to spend on themselves and are jealous.

    /sarc
    Go obama
    /sarc off

  5. 55
    Lc ORWN says:

    Darth Venomous @:
    The only reason Clot uses 1 ply cause the only time he gets a piece of ass is when his finger breaks through the paper

  6. 56
    BigDogg says:

    Lc ORWN sez:

    Darth Venomous @:
    The only reason Clot uses 1 ply cause the only time he gets a piece of ass is when his finger breaks through the paper

    :em01: :em01: :em01:

  7. 57
    Marinia says:

    I can’t believe no one used the arguement “Paper doesn’t grow on trees you know”. Oh well, guess I’m just simple that way.

    We can always use the GAO copy of the porkulus package to wipe. Over 1000 pages of cleanliness right there. Personally, I use pictures of our current White House Occupant from newspapers and such for my needs. I always feel like I’ve accomplished something when I flush after that. I just have to remember to fluch twice, it’s a long way to D.C. from here.

    Almost forgot my advice on planting trees. To make sure they grow big and strong, shoot a hippie in the head, throw it in the hole first, then plant the tree over the hippie. Works great.

  8. 58

    You might want to do a google image search of “boardman oregon tree farm”.

    Entire square mile sections of former sage scrub planted with mutant Poplars, and drip irrigated with sewage.

    So many square miles of tree farm that the local climate is actually being effected ( and in a positive fashion ).

    I don’t think we are going to run out of pulp timber any time soon.

  9. 59
    Cheryl says:

    now we have REUSABLE toilet “paper”.

    Hey, thanks, Hilljohnny. I needed that image! :em38: And you put the shitty wipes in a wet bag??? These hippies are farkin’ nuts! You’d really want to use a washer after they’ve got finished with it.

    I read that in BC, Canada there is a – ahem movement – to ban paper tissues and force people to use snotrags. Yes. Civilization marches on!

  10. 60
    Cricket says:

    Let’s do a comparison: The TP we use is soft and gentle and gets the job done. It is DESIGNED to be biodegradeable (spellcheck, like who uses it?), which means almost instant dissolution. The 300 grit TP used in the EU takes more water to break down because of its dense mass. Environmentally speaking, both of them are from a renewable source, but the EU TP takes more water to begin the process of breaking down than the American TP. I report. You decide.

  11. 61
    anonymous hourly worker says:

    European toilet paper = the paper found in those remote National Forest Service outhouses.

    And as for reuseable asswipe, obviously many of you are too young to fondly recall the stench of dirty diapers soaking in the diaper pail, perfuming the whole house.

  12. 62
    LX-i says:

    Can anyone here feel the difference between virgin wood and slutty wood?

    The slutty TP is more fun, but when you really want to settle down, grab a pack of virgin TP….

  13. 63
    Mike M says:

    anonymous hourly worker @ 61:

    … the paper found in those remote National Forest Service outhouses

    Where they cunningly use flat bars to hold the circular rolls, effectively thwarting your efforts to roll out more than one square at a time.

  14. 64
    Mike M says:

    slutty wood

    Naughty Pine?

  15. 65
    Tyrmadris says:

    Entire square mile sections of former sage scrub planted with mutant Poplars, and drip irrigated with sewage.

    So many square miles of tree farm that the local climate is actually being effected ( and in a positive fashion ).

    Wait, let me get this straight…

    Poplars can be ground up and processed into wood pulp, which itself can be processed into tissue paper and then toilet paper, to wipe the asses of humans to remove their excrement.

    But this farm grows massive rows of said poplars and irrigates them with… human excrement.

    So, technically, they have it from both, uh ‘ends’. The trees can be made into toilet paper to clean crap from asses and then that same crap is used to fertilize the trees that are made into the paper that the asses are cleand with. What a perfect self-supporting system!

    Now THAT is what I call re-cycling! It’s enough to make an enviroweenie soil themselves, should they ever bother to look the subject up.

  16. 66
    The Lone Haranguer says:

    Naughty pine?

    :em01:

  17. 67
    LC gahaze says:

    “People just don’t understand that softness equals ecological destruction.”

    Sooooo, does that mean hard-ball instead of soft-nose for hunting Moonbats?

  18. 68
    LC hilljohnny says:

    LC gahaze sez:

    Sooooo, does that mean hard-ball instead of soft-nose for hunting Moonbats?

    absolutely, they will squeal much longer.

  19. 69
    Sir Guido Cabrone. LC, M.o.P. says:

    LC gahaze says:

    Sooooo, does that mean hard-ball instead of soft-nose for hunting Moonbats?

    Of course! You get more penetration through the mass of moonbats that way!

    Softnose .458s will only go two, maybe three rows deep into the protesters!

    A full patch 500gr .458 is designed to penetrate over three feet of solid bone, (enough to get to the brain of an elephant from the front)! Just imagine how many protesters you could get through! :em01:

  20. 70
    dave says:

    wiping with a muslims beard sounds good,butt too much decontamination required.

  21. 71
    LC gahaze says:

    Sir Guido Cabrone. LC, M.o.P. @ #69:
    I like the way you think. Like Robert Ruark wrote, “Use enough gun.”

  22. 72
    Rhiain says:

    LC hilljohnny sez:

    they’ve revolutionised the art. now we have REUSABLE toilet “paper”.
    btw the fed tax on cigarettes goes up $6 per carton soon. link

    Um, toilet wipes aren’t the same thing as toilet paper. They do sell toilet wipes at the store, you know, in the same section as the toilet paper. But they’re two totally different things. That’s like equating cloth diapers with disposable diapers. (And BTW, the link you posted is a family-owned company, and while the products might be green, that doesn’t mean the owners are raving moonbats.)

    Just saying.

  23. 73
    sig94 says:

    I wipe my ass on Yugos, they are much softer than Hummers and the owners don’t clog up the pipes.

  24. 74
    Denise says:

    Frankly I prefer to have my hand on the opposite side of the paper from the material I’m disposing. I’m staying with my two-ply Angel Soft double rolls, thank you very much. I have no intention of using a washrag to clean myself every time I use the john. And they stopped delivering the Sears catalog, so that’s no longer an option either. ICD may like getting crap all over him/herself, I don’t. What’s next? Going back to the old days, when being “on the rag” meant just that?

  25. 75
    kwongdzu says:

    This is some funny shit!

  26. 76
    kwongdzu says:

    I think the real reason behind this …. they are tired of having their yurts TP’d.

  27. 77
    JannyMae says:

    This is just outrageous!

    A campaign by Greenpeace seeks to raise consciousness among Americans about the environmental costs of their toilet habits and counter an aggressive new push by the paper industry giants to market so-called luxury brands.

    Well, gosh if our toilet habits are doing so much damage, maybe we should all just hold our shit in! Perhaps that’s what these people have been doing, and that’s why they’re so damned angry!

    What part of, “we can plant more trees” do they not understand. I guess “renewable” resources are only good when we’re talking about the evil OIL companies?

  28. 78
    LC Rurik says:

    If Libertarians of the Mayim variety can demaind that the government stay the hell out our bedrooms, then I can demand they stay the hell out of my bathroom. Since my ass doesn’t taste it, I really don’t give a flying fuck aout what kind of TP I use – until some assnugget tries to speciify for me. Then it suddenly matters mightily. Hey Sheryl Crowe – why don’t you come on by and clean my butt with your tongue. And I also don’t like them telling me how many gallons my toilet can use for flushing. Stay outta my bathroom, or I’ll sound the arsebulgle.

  29. 79
    LC HJ Caveman82952 says:

    Pssst! Hey, Rurik…got a real five gallon commode here, an antique, so to speak. One of the weird things about living in a house built in the depression. At least if you don’t count an ice box built into the kitchen.

  30. 80
    Princess Natasha, Uber-Whore of Zion says:

    This whole thing is ridiculous. What is an ideal, for leftards: a filthy, stinky, unkempt stupid savage? Looks like it. And I am really proud to say that as much as l love humans of the male variety, I have never dated a leftard. Now I know why. First, obviously, they are dumb and annoying. Second, they are un-hygienic nasty pigs. How can anyone shag a guy who barely or never wipes his bum and does not take showers every day? Ugh! These motherfuckers probably drink piss, too.

  31. 81
    LC hilljohnny says:

    LC Rurik sez:

    And I also don’t like them telling me how many gallons my toilet can use for flushing. Stay outta my bathroom, or I’ll sound the arsebulgle.

    ehh senior, wanna buy some mary-wanna, dirty postcards, two-ply tissue, 5 gallon toilet tank…..

  32. 82
    LC Rurik says:

    LC hilljohnny @:

    Can I buy on credit? :em01:

  33. 83
    LC HJ Caveman82952 says:

    Are they going to come confiscate my toilet, or just shoot it like that dude at Carls Jrs? You can bet there are some retards, seeking to find relevance for their existence, that would be happy to do so. I would also be happy to physically eject them from my home if necessary……

  34. 84
    LC Proud Infidel says:

    SAVE THE TREES, WIPE YOUR ASS WITH A SPOTTED OWL!!! :em41: :em01: :em03:
    I make my living in a paper mill, and we recycle anywhere fron 60-200tons a week, and another one of our mills does nothing BUT recycle. The American paper industry now recycles over 50% od what it makes, and paper fiber is degraded every time it’s recycled. Down here in Florida, the Loblolly Pine grows so fast that it takes 12-15 years for a harvestable crop to occur, and many things, like some plastics, chewing gum base and glue to name a few things come from pine trees as well. Pine trees proliferate down here to the point that some localities consider them a “nuisance species”!

  35. 85
    BigDogg says:

    LC Proud Infidel @ 84:

    Infidel – that’s all factual information based in reality. Don’t you realize that kind of stuff matters not to the emotional feel-speak of liberals?

  36. 86
    TheCount says:

    I think we should all grab a bunch of the “52-ers” and wipe our asses with them…. :em72:

  37. 87

    I suppose that if they completely banned toilet paper, we would have to use pages from the Koran.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.