And if Nothing ELSE Will Make You Find the Nearest Glowbull Wormening Cultist and Kick it in the Gut…

…then this surely will:

People will need to turn vegetarian if the world is to conquer climate change, according to a leading authority on global warming.

“A leading authority on global warming.”

That’s just about as respect- and awe-inspiring as “a leading authority on fairies.” But we digress…

In an interview with The Times, Lord Stern of Brentford said: “Meat is a wasteful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases.

We’ll concede part of the point. Meat certainly is a wasteful use of… just about everything if it goes into producing something like you. If it’s invested in something useful like a pig, a cow or a flea-infested rodent, on the other hand…

It puts enormous pressure on the world’s resources. A vegetarian diet is better.”

For herbivores, maybe. And Homo Sapiens aren’t herbivores. Look it up. Besides, a vegetarian diet has a decidedly unpleasant side effect when you expose His Imperial Majesty to it, manifesting itself in an uncontrollable urge to load up every piece of weaponry he can lay his hands on and go on a meddling busy-body killing spree.

Direct emissions of methane from cows and pigs is a significant source of greenhouse gases. Methane is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas.

…and 23 times “unmeasurable” is… Besides, that’s why we kill the cows and turn them into juicy, bloody steaks. Not really, but you hippie scum ought to be pleased that we’re doing it for Mother Gaia.

Lord Stern, the author of the influential 2006 Stern Review on the cost of tackling global warming, said that a successful deal at the Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen in December would lead to soaring costs for meat and other foods that generate large quantities of greenhouse gases.

Quite true. Which is yet another reason why somebody should release a large quantity of nerve gas in the building as soon as that Conference is in session. If you think we’re kidding, you should try yanking our 22 ounce T-bone steak off of our plate and replace it with a salad at dinner time. But you should make sure that your life insurance premiums have been paid first.

He predicted that people’s attitudes would evolve until meat eating became unacceptable.

If you’re planning on starting a movement like the Smoke Nazis, only directed at meat eaters, we have only this to say: We can’t wait until the first time a bunch of dirty, smelly, emaciated, anemic vegans muster the courage to tut-tut at yours truly when we’re about to stick our fork in a giant slab of warm, bloody, juicy meat. Just try it, you abominable freak of nature.

“I think it’s important that people think about what they are doing and that includes what they are eating,” he said.

Oh but we do! The thing is, we don’t give a flying, worm-ridden, moldy SHIT what you think about what we’re doing. And if you had the slightest notion of concepts such as self-preservation and risk avoidance, you and your puling, meddling, fascist, statist ilk would think twice about telling us what we “should” think.

We’ve had it to our back teeth already, and we’re getting this close to the snapping point with you meddlesome mutt-molesters. You can eat whatever the living fuck you want to eat, you sniveling snotskate, and if you know what’s good for you, then you’ll extend to us the courtesy of reciprocating that sentiment.

“I am 61 now and attitudes towards drinking and driving have changed radically since I was a student. People change their notion of what is responsible. They will increasingly ask about the carbon content of their food.”

What?

WHAT???

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We can see that you’re certainly not a “leading authority on biochemistry”, you cosmically cluefucked clusterfuck. The “carbon content” of our food? It’s going to be one heck of a meager diet if we’re to eliminate carbon from it, isn’t it? Seeing as how all life, including your precious plants, are made up by almost nothing but.

We’re reminded of that joke of a product advertising itself as “carbon free sugar” that we mocked not too long ago. Next: “carbon free potatoes”, “carbon free wheat”, “carbon free corn”, “carbon free lettuce” etc. etc. etc.

Really. If we’re to be annoyed by twats, could we at least be afforded the dignity of being annoyed by twats who passed fifth grade chemistry?

Oh, and finally: Vegetables aren’t food. Vegetables are what food eats.

Thatisall.

51 comments

  1. 51

    Oh, and I’m taking my camera— the HT-HD/Blu-Deathray Imax™ one that we bought with Odumbo’s Crapulus money.

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