Ask The Emperor

Oy vey, it seems like there really are people out there yearning to be on the receiving end of His Imperialness’ “Benevolence”. We’ll start with the one who actually managed to follow directions and send the question to our inbox with the subject line “Ask the Emperor”:

Are you real? Never mind that question, I have a predicament. It seems my favorite beer is no longer available in the northern half of my state until Friday. What should I do?

Anonymous

What? You think you get to ask a question and then un-ask it? Not so. Are we real? Yes, we are. BUT, and we realize full well that this is going to come as a shock to most of you, YOU’RE not. You see, His Majesty actually dreamed up every single one of you and you, yes all of you, are nothing but figments of our imagination. Which would explain the filthy nature of the comments section around here, but we digress… Do you have any idea what a workload it is to think up thousands of readers and keep commenting for them? No, you don’t, since you don’t exist. Unless we say that you do.

Second part of the question: Your half of the state ran out of beer? What, did you have family visit over the weekend? Seriously, though, this is not an issue to be treated lightly. Some might suggest that you switch to another brand for a day or two, but if you were that fickle a beer drinker, you wouldn’t be deserving of any to begin with. Some, too, might suggest sobriety, but we don’t talk about that kind of people.

So you’re basically left with the option of renting the biggest, refrigerated U-Haul truck you can find and then going on a road trip south. That or switching to vodka for a couple of days.

Emperor Misha I

And now to those of our imaginary friends who were too thick to follow instructions:

I have a question for ya, since you’re in an advice giving mood. I just got this DVD “Hot and Horny Co-eds Do Anal 3?. Do you think I will understand what`s going on if I haven’t seen 1 and 2?

Holding my Tube Sock on Ready 5

Dear Tube Sock,

His Imperial Majesty is so glad that you held off your viewing until you could get an answer to your question.

“Hot and Horny Co-eds Do Anal 3? is possibly the most anticipated pr0n release (pun intended) since “Deep Throat Does Detroit”, the long-awaited climactic conclusion to the epic saga that is the “Hot and Horny Co-eds Do Anal? Triology.

Critics raved, ranted and spewed ejaculatory praise all over the first two, claiming that the magnificent screenplay, orgiastic soundtrack and on-location hand-held camera kept them glued to their hands the screen from beginning to end. The suspense, tension and cliffhanger endings of both had them craving more from the moment the credits rolled while, simultaneously, praising the producers for the best spanking good time they’d ever had in the privacy of their dens.

A cameo of Al Gore showing up at the door in the middle of the second installment, wearing a leather thong and saying “I’m the government, and I’m here to help” earned particular mention from all but one of the critics, said critic having missed it because he’d been off to get a second roll of paper towels.

In short, the “Hot and Horny Co-eds Do Anal” Trilogy is something to be enjoyed from beginning to end, in 3 minute installments.

Or so we’ve heard. We certainly wouldn’t know.

Emperor Misha I

Dear Emperor

My primary squeeze for many years now has been an RG .38 special. I recently got my hands on a .40 cal Taurus pistol, and it was love at first sight. She is rough, tough, and really smooth. How do I tell the RG that she no longer does it for me?
Sincerely,

Confused in Oklahoma

Dear Confused,

Breaking up is hard to do, but if you truly don’t feel the spark any more, then it’s probably best for all involved if you move on. How to break it to the slighted party, of course, is the real kicker.

Have you considered a threesome? Surely, the L-rd gave you two hands for a reason. That way, you get to enjoy the added firepower of going in, both guns blazing, and your old love gets to stay around, wasting all of the time she should be spending being mad at you bickering with your new love instead. Of course, you might not like two-fisted shooting, but you’re not going to tell me that you don’t carry a backup?

Reminds me of a time we were caught in a metal detector at the local courthouse. The poor guy doing the weapons check-in had to go for extra baskets. Thrice. In the end he refused to take the RPG-7 mumbling something about weight and OSHA rules. But we digress…

With both of them around, you can lie to them all you want when they, inevitably, start asking you who you like more. Just don’t ever answer that question when they’re both around. Sure, one of them might confront you and say “but she told me that you’d told her that you liked HER more”, but that’s really not an issue. Just tell her “what do you THINK she would have said?”

Bottom line: By keeping them both around, they’ll be forever trying to earn your affection, which means that they’ll have fewer misfires, will help your aim and, overall, make you a happier man.

Unless they get up in the middle of the night to settle the issue once and for all, of course.

Emperor Misha I

Dear Emporer….

My DOG tells me to do BAD stuff to certain people. Is it Ok to listen to him? He also tells me its OK to drink excessively. Other than that he’s not really a bad DOG, doesnt poop or pee on the floor, and is a pretty good political conversationalist.

Hearing Voices

Dear Voices,

We’ve all heard that “Dog is Man’s Best Friend.” This is, of course, utter bullshit. They’re malicious little fucks constantly plotting to overthrow us and become Alphas themselves. In the meantime, however, they do a damn fine job of keeping undesirables off their property (don’t ever delude yourself into thinking that they think of it as YOUR property), not to mention scaring the shit out of the useless wankers wearing those gay USPS uniforms.

So this is what you really have to consider: Would you like for DOG to, when a window breaks in the middle of the night and you tell him to sic, answer you with “I don’t know. I really have to ask my advice columnist first?” Of course you don’t. You want that mutt to charge into the fray like the Light Brigade immediately. And that works both ways. You OWE it to him to listen to him, do what he says and ask questions later. He’d do the same for you.

Not to mention that if what he tells you to do turns out to be a REALLY Bad Thing™ later on, you’ll have a kick arse legal defense. At worst, you’ll get off on an insanity plea since too many people still believe that dogs can’t really communicate.

But we know better, don’t we?

Emperor Misha I

Dear Emperor,

Is it true that President Ronald Regan the Great was faster than the expansion of government, more powerful that a Peacekeeper missile, able to leap over the White House in a single bound and able to punch a hippy in the face, cut taxes and kick Gorbachev in the balls simultaneously? I also heard he beat a Democrat to death with the tax code once; is this true?

Wanting to Believe

Dear Wanting,

First off, let us thank you for spelling our title right. It really, really bugs the shit out of us when people get that wrong.

As to your question: Yes, it’s all true, although we’ll freely admit that it’s hard to believe that anything can be faster than the malignant expansion of government.

A few clarifications are in order, though: As to his jumping prowess, he not only could leap over the White House in a single bound, he actually managed the same feat with the Federal Capitol. He never did manage to do so with the State Capitol of Austin, TX. The added height of it was one of the very few things he never managed to conquer.

As to the kicking, all that you’ve heard is true. But they forgot that he made the hippie and Gorbachev like it too. While funding the SDI missile defense.

Finally, as to the beating, he didn’t really need the tax code for that, not to mention that what truly beat the Democrat was the sheer weight of that monstrous waste of perfectly good trees. His REAL accomplishment there was managing to lift the damn thing in the first place, a feat that has not been replicated by anybody ever since, no matter the size and strength of the industrial equipment they used to help them.

Did we mention that he lifted it with one hand?

Emperor Misha I

36 comments

  1. 1
    Deathknyte says:

    Heh

  2. 2
    Physics Geek says:

    You see, His Majesty actually dreamed up every single one of you and you, yes all of you, are nothing but figments of our imagination.

    Hey, I’ve seen that Twilight Zone episode. Never knew that it was about you, though.

  3. 3
    Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant says:

    The beer question guy is Mope. He drank all that beer now he is complaining. Motherfucker, it takes TIME to brew good beer. So keep your panties on and wait!

    The tube sock freak… OMG… Will you please leave my brother Zhorik the Pimp’s hookers alone, already? They are liberal arts majors, this is the most money they’ll make in their lives!!

    Troy… DOG is adorable! Listen to all he says. And give him a smooch on the nose for me.

    Guy with the Reagan question? It’s all true but the KGB knows more….

  4. 4
    Sinon says:

    I think, therefore I am.

    You are not me, therefore irrelevant

  5. 5
    sig94 says:

    To Tube Sock or Argyle, that is the question:
    Whether tis’ nobler in the hand to suffer
    The spoge and mess of prodigious production,
    Or to use bath towels against a sea of squirmies;
    And tying a knot in it, end them.

  6. 6
    L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter says:

    Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant-

    The beer question guy is Mope. He drank all that beer now he is complaining.

    I am shocked you would even suggest such a thing. The audacity! I actually have a more pertinent question for the Emperor concerning Angels- Charlie’s Angels I was gunna ask if he wanted to buy a slightly used poster of her. I only unrolled it on special occasions.

    Goodbye, Angel.

    Goodbye, Angel

    I always admired Bosley.

  7. 7

    We’ve all heard that “Dog is Man’s Best Friend.” This is, of course, utter bullshit. They’re malicious little fucks constantly plotting to overthrow us and become Alphas themselves.

    I thought that was cats…?

    (Excluding those belonging to Princess N@ and my late Alfie, of course. 🙂 )

  8. 8
    Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant says:

    Darth Venomous sez:

    We’ve all heard that “Dog is Man’s Best Friend.” This is, of course, utter bullshit. They’re malicious little fucks constantly plotting to overthrow us and become Alphas themselves.

    I thought that was cats…?

    (Excluding those belonging to Princess N@ and my late Alfie, of course. 🙂 )

    Oh, I already know know the HouseDemons™ cute, adorable kitties want to overthrow me… It’s just too bad for them Mother Nature did not provide them with opposeable thumbs and the brains to operate the scissors or the can opener for dry or wet food, respectively. Muahahahahaha!!

  9. 9
    LC PrimEviL says:

    Misha:

    His Imperialness’ “Benevolence”.

    Thy “benevolence”? You keed, you keed. 😆
    *(hides in basement with loaded M1)*

  10. 10
    LC Aggie Sith, a goddess, only different.... says:

    @ sig94:

    Well, thank you, kind sir.

    Now, when I picture Hamlet, I shall envision him whacking off to a painting of Ophelia.

    😛

  11. 11
    LC FreedomFighter says:

    Aw I hate when people get all MOPEY about beer and how they drink to much and really need to be in AA.

  12. 12
    sig94 says:

    Just heard that Michael Jackson died at the UCLA hospital.
    Heart attack brought on by accidently looking at himself in a mirror.
    You got a commemorative pin up for that mook Mope?

  13. 13
    L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter says:

    and how they drink to much and really need to be in AA.

    Meetings are for quitters. Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk.

  14. 14
    L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter says:

    Sig-

    You got a commemorative pin up for that mook Mope?

    No, but I do have the one glove I could never find the match for… mebbe I’ll put it on E-Bay.

  15. 15
    emily_nelson says:

    roflol!

  16. 16

    Yeah newsies are reporting that Jackson died. Any takers that he really ran off to Antigua so he doesn’t have to bow out of all those London concerts that he never had any intention of doing in the first place?

  17. 17
    Radical Redneck says:

    @ LC Mrs. M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper:

    Yeah newsies are reporting that Jackson died. Any takers that he really ran off to Antigua so he doesn’t have to bow out of all those London concerts that he never had any intention of doing in the first place?

    I’ll check Kayinsane’s and find out whether it was Cheney, Palin or both behind it. I have it from an impeccable source he smothered biting the pillow.

  18. 18

    Radical Redneck sez:

    I’ll check Kayinsane’s and find out whether it was Cheney, Palin or both behind it. I have it from an impeccable source he smothered biting the pillow.

    Oh come on Rad. You know when it’s someone this famous they turn Teh Rove™ loose on em. Cheney only does Lawyers.

  19. 19
    Hardclimber says:

    So, that little bleached pedophile has, finally, kicked the bucket!!! Children will now sleep in peace, and not in the LBP’s bed!!!

    Sweet Swinging Mama, how I hated that little creep..!

    Color me mean and nasty, but I have only two words to say about his passing…

    Good Riddance! (now how’s that for a shy, retiring Canadian!?!)

  20. 20
    Radical Redneck says:

    How is Al Sharpton already in LA. Coincidence? There are no coincidences! :mrgreen:

    Never mind – it is coming from New York

  21. 21
    LC Spare Parts says:

    My Liege
    Aside from me, you did not make up B.C. positions at the Imperial Court being within Your Royal Perv-iew,
    and biological selection without. Ergo, we shall one day meet and enjoy best companie with the other Rotties in these parts.
    Then we will have words. We Letter Carriers and the other dedicated line personel are the only people in the U.S. Postal Service who do serve at all. And it would be a great deal better if we were allowed to case and carry our routes as we see fit. Management will not listen. We are shackled with idiotic work rules which are far worse for us than the mediocre quality of the uniforms. But I digress.
    Dogs are not problematic so much as ignorant owners. Pet Princess for me.

  22. 22
    LC Gonzman says:

    Ah,the pustulant pedophile Michael Jackson died.

    He was much better when he was a cute little black kid.

    List his death under “public improvements.” Disgusting sicko.

  23. 23
    Sir Fresh Sign says:

    Now maybe McCartney can buy his song catalogue back.

  24. 24
    sig94 says:

    McCartney coulda bought them back from MJ years ago. He just couldn’t come up with enough twelve year olds that looked like they were nine.

    Hey Mope –
    Gloves, tubesocks, it’s all the same… a moonwalk up little Johnny’s buttcrack as he stayed overnight in “I Never Never Touched That Kid’s Ass Land.”

  25. 25
    LuckyLeo says:

    Any takers on when his death will be used on the reasons we have to accept Jugear’s health care plan?

  26. 26
    Lc ORWN says:

    I heard that since he was 99% plastic, he’s gonna be melted down and made into Legos so little kids can play with him for a change.

    He died of food poisoning… he ate a ten year old weiner.

  27. 27
    sleeper says:

    Hey Misha-

    Do you sound like this guy when you do advice?
    Strongbad

  28. 28
    L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter says:

    Sig-

    Do you know the difference between Richard Pryor and Micheal Jackson?

    One got burned with pepsi and one got burned with coke!

  29. 29
    LC TerribleTroy, Imperial Centurion says:

    I can do what DOG says?? ALRIGHT! It’ll be good to get him to shut up. In case the whole defense thing doesnt work … can any tell me if they have internet in Levenworth?

  30. 30
    Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant says:

    That or switching to vodka for a couple of days.

    Best advice EVAH!! Yay, vodka!!

  31. 31
    Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant says:

    OK… Here is one…

    Dear Emperor, one of my cats thinks he is human, moreover, he wants to become Airborne and kill hajis, then bury them in the sand like the turds they are. He has enough stripes (but not enough brains) to be at least a Master Sergeant. Yesterday, he jumped off a very high 3rd floor balcony to prove how hardcore Airborne he was. My question is: Where do I find designs for a cat parachute? My neighbors’ son’s GI Joe parachute is too small for the fatass. Help!
    Signed:
    Haji-hatin’ cat’s human.

  32. 32
    Light29ID says:

    @ Radical Redneck:

    Hey RR,

    Give the worthless cocksocket my regards. She banned me again because I converted one of her minions and brought them over to the Dark Side using logic and reasoned arguments.

    Light

  33. 33
    Light29ID says:

    @ Princess Natasha, Decadent Delicious Deviant:

    PN, DDD,

    Your kat may not be qualified for Airborne, However, he may qualify for UDT. http://animals.howstuffworks.com/pets/scuba-cat.htm

  34. 34
    Ogrrre says:

    And now to those of our imaginary friends who were too thick to follow instructions:

    Hey, we’re figments of your imagination. You imagined us this way, therefore, yer majesty, it’s your fault we can’t follow plainly written instructions. It’s also your fault we are too damn lazy to follow those instructions. Seriously, dude, you need to imagine a better class of subjects. 😀

  35. 35
    LC TerribleTroy, Imperial Centurion says:

    Dear Emperor (spelt it rhaight that time I did!)

    Im planning a “after the revolution” dinner party in the unspecified future. Can you reccomend a menu? Also would you be so kind as to offer your advice as to what wine should be served with the heads of dead socialists & traitors. Im not planning on serving the heads as a part of the meal, its just that there will be a so many laying around they will influence the ambiance of the event.

    Sincerely,

    Protocol Challenged

    PS. Should the Guillotine blade be sharp or dull?

  36. 36
    LC hilljohnny says:

    LC TerribleTroy, Imperial Centurion sez:

    what wine should be served with the heads of dead socialists & traitors.

    wine?!? beer and whiskey i should think. :mrgreen:

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