PETAtard Report

Good evening everyone, and Welcome to Rotty News.  I’m Ophelia Bumps your News Anchor.

Our first story tonight is a real lulu, and to tell you all about it, here’s your Imperial PETA Correspondent Mrs. M.

Hi Ophelia.  Yes those lovable, cuddly PETAtards are at it again. They never seem to run out of pranks that keep us scratching our heads and wondering how they remember to breath.  You of course remember the last freakish idea they came up with to call fish “Sea Kittens”?….Ok…. Ophelia…stop giggling…*ahem*….yes it was a dumbass idea.  I’m sure we all felt that they had hit bottom on that one, but it seems they’ve gotten their hands on a back hoe from the Rachael Cory Memorial Bulldozer Rental Company and are in the process of digging even deeper into that fathomless well of total derangement.

Their latest jaunt into the wild world of the obliviously stupid? George Clooney flavored Tofu.

Ophelia….get up off the floor…..OPHELIA….stop laughing!….Dammit!!  Ophelia I can’t get through this story with you laughing your boobs off….

*ahem*….as I was saying, they have come up with some incredibly wacky ideas in the past, but this one is going to be at or near the top of the list.  I did try my best to get a statement from PETA President Ingrid Newkirk, but she seemed to be offended by the fact that I was eating a Sea Kitten Sandwich in her presence and refused comment, but I did get the information from an unnamed source.

In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk said that PETA has been offered his gym towel (obtained right here in D.C.!) and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

Ophelia…..stop laughing…you’re gagging into the mic.

Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”

What could make Tofu more “attractive” to people??  Bacon grease….lots and lots of bacon grease.

There did not seem to be any “Clofu Parties” scheduled so far,  but I did however manage to get a remark from George Clooney himself about this, and for once he actually had his head outside of his posterior and was able to give this comment:

“As a mammal, I’m offended,”

Thank you George.  Nice to know you’re not totally batshit…..yet.

We also were able to find a few PETAtards who thought the idea had some merit.

Foxane says :

OMG! This is so exciting! I do wish George would change his mind, I’m such a fan. I actually looked into creating human-flavored tofu when I was studying cannibalistic cultures in an anthropology class in college: and it’s totally doable. You could use Geroge’s sweat, or (if you wanted to get really fancy) “headspace technology” to isolate his personal-flavor.
Let’s face it: eating Clofu is the closest most of us will ever get to George himself! Love it.

Obviously someone’s headspace is in need of some furniture.  It’s pretty damn empty up there.

Then this from sky508:

That’s awesome! What a great idea! PETA is always coming up with new and exciting things! I hope Clooney changes his mind. What a great way for him to use his celebrity status to show compassion for animals!

Sky needs to show the human race some compassion and suck a tailpipe.

And last but not least GoddessEnvy23 *obviously* says:

I’d sit down with a glass of wine and a plate full of Clofu any day! Even in the dashing George isn’t quite your flavor, how is this worse than eating animal flesh choc full of antibiotics and feces?

Sorry dear, but I think you are the one that’s full of shit.

There you have it folks.  PETAtards doing what they do best.  Proving to the world that you do NOT have to have a single braincell to make a total ass of yourself.  Well that’s it for this version of PETAtards Run Wild.  Do tune in tomorrow for the latest of their inane attention grabbing antics.  I’m Mrs. M your Imperial PETA Correspondent, and now back to our News Desk and Ophelia Bumps.

Thank you Mrs. M.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor, The American Beef Council.


  1. 1
    LC Gunsniper says:

    So it will be twice as bland and tasteless as regular tofu?

  2. 2
    LC EFA says:

    Now this is just begging for a shop job.

    Second … what kind of damn freak would actually eat that shit ?!!

  3. 3
    Princess Natasha, Uber-Whore of Zion says:

    That sounds so disgusting… Exactly what I expect from psycho libtards! The champions of unwiped asses are now dreaming of (ugh!) sweat-flavored tofu? What next? Fart-scented air “freshener”? Vaginal-yeast bread? Turdsicles? Piss-tinis, with dingleberries instead of olives?
    Hellooo, libtards?! You are fucking disgusting! Kindly die and stop polluting my atmosphere by your worthless existence.

  4. 4
    LC EFA says:

    N@ –

    These are the sort of people that would consume those bottles of fermented cow piss beer and like it.

  5. 5

    Aww mann,, let’s not let ’em get rich on such useless, tasteless, celebrity soiled articles of worshipful adoration without just a smidge o’ friendly competition:

    In Texas, even in the winter, how far do ya gotta go to find a sweat mine as rich as any denims that grace the Asses of some of the Finest Folks a’breathin’?
    Anybody that ever burn’t water over a fire knows the quality of any recipe can only be as good as the ingredients.

    Taos Tornado Texas Testes Turbocharged Tofu..

    The long name should be ok for a label,, they’re gonna be big ol’ bricks.

  6. 6

    No offense, Libtards,

    but if you want ME to eat tofu, it’s gonna have to be Sam Elliott’s sweat. You can keep Clooney.

  7. 7

    Actually, libtards..

    Instead of Sam Elliott sweat-tofu, how about just Sam Elliott, in the flesh? That would work.

  8. 8
    bobdog says:

    It was indeed from Clooney’s gym locker, but, uh, it wasn’t his gym towel…

  9. 9

    LC EFA sez:

    Now this is just begging for a shop job.

    ask and you shall receive


    hope that there link worked……being that the site is still suffering some residual damage.

  10. 10

    Ack, Jay…do i dare???

    Usually, we can trust YOU…

  11. 11

    Hey I had to handwrite that line of hyperlink code…..haven’t done that in a while and it worked first time.

    you at least owe me one click

  12. 12

    “you at least owe me one click”

    Maaaaa…he made me do it!

  13. 13

    Jay! I KNEW IT!

    You’re on my list, now. Geeze.

  14. 14
    Dragineez says:

    Totally hilarious. Thanks. I needed that. Very long day in desperate need of amusement.

  15. 15

    oh stop yer’ whining and eat your clooney pop

  16. 16

    that last comment was meant for Skye Dragineez….

  17. 17
    LC Spare Parts says:

    These words attributed to an A list rocker of yore, (the 70’s) about relations with groupies after he’d had more than enough: “they’re really not going to bed with you: just with your name.”
    Let them have such oral gratification; served in a cat dish.

  18. 18
    psychochick says:

    I thought the Sea Kitten thing was really clever programming. guess I’m in disagreement, as usual. My deathbeast debate partner agreed with me, also.

    I don’t have bold thingies, so no disrespect to Skye:
    glad you’re the grammar hun–totally agree with you on that

  19. 19
    LC Jon Imperial Hunter says:

    Whatabuncha forlorn old hag wannabe cocksuckers.

    Betcha Ingrid Newcock hasn’t had a man in…. EVERRRRRRR!

    Nor woman, neither.

    This is, doubtless, among the most debauched drooling dementia in a long litany from the lurid looney libtards of the lamely lascivious.

    Ah, well…. don’t sweat it.

  20. 20
    lc purple raider says:

    The hell with peta.

    I want to see Ophelia laughing her boobs off.

  21. 21
    LCrightismightNY says:

    sheesh…what will those retards at peta come up with next? Pasta sauce made from teh One’s underwear squeezin’s?

  22. 22
    Shaitana says:

    I’m surpised they didn’t have the gumption to actually ask him for what they REALLY wanted… and I’m sure they can make far more money selling his erm… TOFU with that ‘special’ white ingredient we know the groupies all love. Hell given the option I’m sure they would all taste it anyways.

    (ah the life of a celebrity).

    But I don’t get his reply… its ambiguous… I mean… there are plant and meat eating mammals so to me it sounds like a cop-out without actually saying (NO YOU RETARDS… I LIKE MEAT!)

  23. 23
    mindy1 says:

    Where are the emoticans? This is just begging for the laugh emoticansLOL will have to do. As for Clooney, if i wanted to eat him it would not be in tofu form;)

  24. 24
    The Lone Haranguer says:

    Hey Jay: Love where you put the stick. Very appropriate.

  25. 25
    LC hilljohnny says:

    [I want to see Ophelia laughing her boobs off.]

    how can you be so insensitive P.R. when she really needs a helping hand (maybe two) to support her in her time off need.

    don’t worry Ophelia, i’ve got your back. ;D

  26. 26
    Marinia says:

    Wonder what they’d do with Clooney’s crusty gym sock he threw under the bed one lonely night….

  27. 27
    leoni2, LC says:

    Ok, sounds like whoever is ru(I)nning PETA is off her meds again. This is the most disgusting idea I have heard yet, but I know deep down that something worse will come along.

  28. 28
    LC Gunsniper says:

    …but I know deep down that something worse will come along.

    Hell, that’s a given.

  29. 29
    LC Gunsniper says:

    “Wonder what they’d do with Clooney’s crusty gym sock he threw under the bed one lonely night….”


    Then spend the proceeds for a bigger walk-in freezer.

  30. 30
    psychochick says:

    This is just a gravatar test. (Thank you again, Gunsniper!!)

    Leoni2, it’s mighty nice to see you again.

  31. 31
    LC HJ Caveman82952 says:

    Wonder what they’d do with Clooney’s crusty gym sock he threw under the bed one lonely night….
    If adventurous, I suppose one could roll them up and smoke them.

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