Fresh Meat

A Pity He Missed the Remake of Psycho

But maybe they’ll do it once again, just for him.

Looks like somebody finally got around to shit-canning Peter Strzok, the pathological liar extraordinaire of the FIB, who then immediately started a GoFundMe campaign for himself because obviously he hasn’t quite had enough of other people’s money yet.

It must be his “insurance policy” against ever getting so low on funds that he’ll have to shop among those horrid, “smelly Walmart people” that this paragon of “Fidelity”, “Bravery” and “Integrity.” (If you had any idea how much trouble it was to type that without laughing, vomiting or both…)

Not that he really needs one. The only real question about his future now is whether PMSNBC or FNN will pick him up first. Our money is on PMSNBC. There is just no way that the egos of Strzok and Acosta can ever be in the same building without causing the universe as we know it to collapse upon itself.


Least Surprising News of the Week

Allegedly Keith Ellison is a woman-beating, abusing arsehole.

My name is Austin Monahan and I am writing this letter on behalf of me and my brother.

My brother and I watched our mom come out of pure hell after getting out of her relationship with Keith Ellison. For several months we knew something wasn’t right and couldn’t figure it out. When we asked our mom if everything was ok, she told us she was dealing with some stress and would be ok.

In the middle of 2017, I was using my moms computer trying to download something and I clicked on a file, I found over 100 text and twitters messages and video almost 2 min long that showed Keith Ellison dragging my mama off the bed by her feet, screaming and calling her a “f*cking bitch” and telling her to get the f*ck out of his house. The messages I found, were mixed with him consistently telling my mom he wanted her back, he missed her, he knew he f*cked up and we wished he could do things different, he would victim shaming, bully her, and threaten her if she went public. I text him and told him I know what you did to my mama and a few other things.

His mother, Karen, confirms the above.

Which obviously means that we have to believe it 100% without question. She’s a woman, after all, and to even question the claims of a woman, any woman, is the worst display of patriarchal, misogynist verbal rapism imaginable. Also, literally HITLER!

See, Prozis? We’ve learned your rules well and aren’t you just thrilled to see us playing by them? No? Whyever not?

Of course, one thing that makes this story stand out as dubious, if we may use that word without immediately being called out as Worse Than Hitler™ (we may not, obviously, but we’re risking it), is that the post above accuses a mooselimb of domestic violence against a woman, and we all know that…

Oh, wait…


Proving Your Critics’ Point

Or, in a more long-winded turn of phrase not really suited for a headline, “in order to prove that we are not, in fact, those things of which we’ve been accused, we’re going to do exactly what we’ve been unfairly accused of.”

Not a new tactic, nor is it a particularly effective one, as we’ve seen every single time rag-headed, barbarian, cave-dwelling savages of a certain “faith” have tried to “prove” that they are not, in fact, violent, savage barbarians willing and eager to murder in response to even the slightest of insults by, you guessed it, savagely and barbarically murdering people in response to even the slightest of insults.

But the members of the EneMedia aren’t exactly known for being unduly overburdened by an abundance of intellect, so it didn’t surprise His Imperial Majesty none when they decided to counter the claim that they’re a tightly knit, well-coordinated bunch of one-eyed, fanatical propagandists by proposing to, you guessed it again (yes, we really do have the smartest readers in the world), simultaneously publish a flood of entirely identical opinion columns in a very tightly knit, well-coordinated display of fanatical propaganda.

BOSTON (AP) — A Boston newspaper is proposing a coordinated editorial response from publications across the U.S. to President Donald Trump’s frequent attacks on the news media.

“We are not the enemy of the people,” said Marjorie Pritchard, deputy managing editor for the editorial page of The Boston Globe, referring to a characterization of journalists that Trump has used in the past. The president, who contends he has largely been covered unfairly by the press, also employs the term “fake news” often when describing the media.

The Globe has reached out to editorial boards nationwide to write and publish editorials on Aug. 16 denouncing what the newspaper called a “dirty war against the free press.”

As of Friday, Pritchard said about 70 outlets had committed to editorials so far, with the list expected to grow. The publications ranged from large metropolitan dailies, such as the Houston Chronicle, Minneapolis Star Tribune, Miami Herald and Denver Post, to small weekly papers with circulations as low as 4,000.

Big surprise there.

Proving what vitally important, free-thinking, independent individualists they are by simultaneously publishing the same exact article in various bird cage liners across the nation.

It really is becoming intolerably difficult to parody those clowns.

So instead of doing that, we’ll spend a few moments wondering what might have happened to their carefully scheduled “heroic” response had their nemesis, President Trump, really been every bit the Hitler that they constantly accuse him and his supporters of being.

On second thoughts, let’s not. We really can’t stand the smell of crematoria ovens.


Yep, Let’s Have a War

It seems to be the rallying cry behind everything that Congress says or does these days.

Russian prime minister Dmitry Medvedev warned the US today that the applications of sanctions by Congress and Donald Trump would amount to an act of “economic war.” If that’s the case, how does Russia define its chemical-weapons assassination attempts and their intelligence-disruption operation during our 2016 election?

If the constant piling on of sanctions and interference with the freedom of operations of another nation’s banks isn’t an act of economic war, then we’d like to know what, exactly, would qualify.

But fine, if that’s what we’ve decided is the correct, proportionate answer to $100,000 worth of posts on Facebook and the alleged murder attempt of an ex-spy in the UK, then by all means. Let’s go to war over that! His Imperial Majesty can’t wait to explain to the Heirs why they’re being shipped off to the meat grinder in some G-d forsaken hellhole six years into the next Big One.

“Remember Salisbury! And those shitposters on Facedork!”

If that’s not a rousing battle cry, then we don’t know WHAT is! It’s right up there with “Remember Pearl Harbor!”

Hot Gas’ Ed comments on the Reuters article he’s quoting:

Reuters curiously leaves out the catalyst for the sanctions applied by the White House, never mentioning the assassination attempt on Sergei Skripal and the Russian use of a chemical weapon in the UK, a key US ally. The sanctions bill in Congress has an uncertain future, but it’s the Trump sanctions regarding the Skripal hit that has Russia flustered. Russia denies any involvement in the Skripal attack, but the use of Novichok on a former mole for the British sent a loud and unnuanced message of its own to other Russians who work with foreign intelligence.

Absolutely! The message it sends is as follows: “If you ever spy on Russia for a foreign power, we’ll arrest you, throw you in jail for six years, then send you to the foreign nation you were working for and then, THEN we’ll wait for eight more years before we suddenly decide, for no apparent reason, one day 14 years after the fact, that we’ll try to murder you with one of the most lethal military grade nerve agents in the world, just like that. And you’ll probably survive.”

That’s one powerful message, right there!

(Note: Somebody should probably let the Russians know that their most insanely lethal, military grade assault nerve gas with a thing that goes up just might possibly have a few tiny little issues, performance-wise. Actually, let’s not tell them).

But let’s not quibble. Let’s take it as gospel that the Russians did something as insanely counterproductive as that for no apparent benefit to themselves right when additional foreign anger in their general direction was the very last thing they needed.

Still sure that waging economic war on a nation that A) is currently struggling economically, B) is not the most stable of nations and C) is second only to us when it comes to nuclear weapons at hand is the most viable, wise and proportionate response that we can think of?

Just thinking out loud.

We’ll be in our bunker.


P.S.: We just ran through the post again and we have to say that this one of Ed’s is a thing of beauty: “…sent a loud and unnuanced message of its own to other Russians who work with foreign intelligence.”

“Other Russians who work with foreign intelligence.”

Now that there is one of the most elegant euphemisms for the word “spy” that we’ve ever seen. Yes, yes, we know: he was our spy (or, rather, the Brits’ spy), but that doesn’t mean that he’s not a real, you know, spy-spy. We wonder: Just how many nights of sleep would the majority of Americans lose if, say, some other American spying on us for a foreign power was to have a tragic accident? Our guess is “not too many” or, in our own case, “none at all.” See also: Rosenbergs, the.

More Kibble

Breaking News: Russian Bots™ Land in Ohio, Establish Foothold, Cleverly Disguise Themselves as “Green Party”

Confusion reigned as hordes of “voters” wearing “Green Party” lapel pins stormed voting booths, stealing votes that the Prozi People’s Party desperately needed in the OH-12 special election. Expert intelligence analyst Alyssa Milano, however, was not fooled by their laughable disguises, noticing immediately their suspicious accents as well as the trail of empty vodka bottles,

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Raise Your Hands, Anybody Who Didn’t See This Coming

So yesterday or the day before, we’re not quite sure, Alex Jones’ InfoWars got “de-platformed” (a much more modern and, dare we say “progressive” term for the old Soviet practice of “un-personing” undesirables) by YouTube, Facebook, Apple and Spotify, all within 12 hours of each other, almost as if the whole thing had been previously

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Well That Escalated Quickly

Today’s @realDonaldTrump approval ratings among black voters: 29% This time last year: 15% @POTUS @realDonaldTrump — Rasmussen Reports (@Rasmussen_Poll) August 2, 2018 No wonder the Prozicrats are panicking! Thatisall.

How You Got Trump

Part the eleventh million or so, because we really gave up counting a long time ago. Politico’s Marc Caputo has since deleted the tweet. We can’t imagine why. Seriously, we can’t. It’s not like we, the people that they’re most definitely not the enemy of, if their histrionic eruptions whenever that term for them is

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National Geographic Comes Clean

Well, not exactly, but at least they admit to making shit up, Fake News, you know, followed by the usual litany of shitlib excuses, justifications and deflections. Remember this photo, illustrating the devastating effects of Glowbull Wormening: That poor polar bear. Starving to death due to the absence of its customary, essential diet of frozen

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Well, We Can Certainly Help Facilitate That, Mullahtards

Much blustering and banging of chests from the general direction of third world shithole Tehran. As you all know, the Mad Mullahs, being more used to compliant, cowardly sniveling pussies as U.S. Presidents, threatened not-so-subtly with shutting down the Strait of Hormuz a bit ago. “Do not forget that we have maintained the security of

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Older Chewing Bones

These are topics that are older and still have a little flavor left in them.

July 28th, 2018
Shortest Trade War in History

Comments 5 Comments »

July 25th, 2018
The Super Spy Who Got Around

Comments 6 Comments »

July 24th, 2018
This is Our Shocked Face

Comments 3 Comments »

July 23rd, 2018
Oh Sod off, You Bloody Wankers

Comments 10 Comments »

July 21st, 2018
So, Erm, How Did You Get that Bottle?

Comments 13 Comments »

July 19th, 2018
Why So Hysterical?

Comments 9 Comments »