Fresh Meat

All the Spew That’s Unfit to be Printed

His Imperial Majesty has seldom laughed as hard as he did when he read one Tim Egan’s nonsensical blather of a column from this Saturday, in which he blames G-d for everything under the sun and proceeds to compare the Hobby Lobby decision to the Crusades. Or 9/11. Or whatever the Hades it is that this sad mentula is trying to say.

The subject, it would appear, is faith based fanaticism all the way from hajis stoning women for being raped to… Hobby Lobby not being forced to pay for Sandra Fluke’s condoms. Or something. A long, barely literate screed summing up all of the atrocities in which G-d has been invoked by one side or the other, culminating in what we guess is his main point, for a guess is the best we can do with that suburan dung heap of incoherence, which is gay marriage. Or free condoms. Or something like that. Clearly, Egan has issues if he feels the need to compare WWII to the horror of no free diaphragm’s for the sisterhood of the traveling dicks, but all we can do is to suggest that Timmy gets some therapy. Lots of it, actually.

Just a few howlers:

Two years ago, Perry said that God had not “changed his mind” about same-sex marriage.

And really, He hasn’t. That’s the thing about immutability: You don’t often (read: never) change your mind, your hairstyle or anything else for that matter. Look it up, Timmy.

But the states have. Since Perry became a spokesman for the deity, the map of legalized gay marriage in America has expanded by 50 percent.

We’re not quite sure what Timmy’s point here is, other than the inevitable swipe at governor Perry who has, it seems, taken over the Koch Brothers’ place in the Prozi pantheon of demons. Maybe he’s trying to say that if enough states decide that G-d is wrong, the Bible will need to be rewritten because G-d has been down-twinkled and therefore, by consensus, the whole matter has been settled and the debate is over?

All that we know is that we don’t much care about what any number of states say, G-d is quite clear on the matter and that’s good enough for us.

But onwards and upwards, because Timmy has some crying to do about the evil that religion has wrought. Or something. Even though he does offer one moment of intellectual clarity:

It’s not true that all wars are fought in the name of religion, as some atheists assert. Of 1,723 armed conflicts documented in the three-volume “Encyclopedia of Wars,” only 123, or less than 7 percent, involved a religious cause. Hitler’s genocide, Stalin’s bloody purges and Pol Pot’s mass murders certainly make the case that state-sanctioned killings do not need the invocation of a higher power to succeed.

Which might be why some of us are, shall we say, somewhat doubtful when Prozis like Timmy want to disarm us all and give all of the guns to government and other criminals. But don’t worry, he doesn’t touch on this again. It would be… unhelpful. Still, it’s encouraging to see that he must, at some point in his life, actually have cracked open a history book.

In the name of God and hate, Sunnis are killing Shiites in Iraq, and vice versa.

Quite. What Timmy consistently fails to note throughout his poorly thought out missive, is that there’s a difference between invoking G-d and actually having him on your side. A rather important one. And this is not the fault of G-d or religion, it’s the fault of murderous ignoramuses who, failing miserably when it comes to having an actual argument, grab for something else to justify their position. See also “check your privilege”, “that’s racist” etc. Oddly enough, all of the cliches in this category seem to be used almost exclusively by Prozis.

A jihadist militia, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, boasts of beheading other Muslims while ordering women to essentially live in caves, faces covered, minds closed. The two sides of a single faith have been sorting it out in that blood-caked land, with long periods of peace, since the year 632. Don’t expect it to end soon. A majority of the world’s 1.6 billion Muslims are peaceful,

He said, offering absolutely no evidence to support his assertion. It is the Prozi way. And if you object, or even ask for the sources for his sweeping statement, you’ll be told that you’re a racist who should check his or her privilege.

The way we see it, based only on what we know and not, like a Prozi, on what we wish that we knew, is that for a peaceful “religion” they sure seem to get their rocks off on murdering people a lot. Also, they don’t seem overly zealous when it comes to denouncing those who murder in their name. Sure, you’ll find a few every time, always with the addition of a “but” to sorta justify the latest muslim mass murder, but compare this to the unanimous roar of condemnation coming from Christians when the Westboro Baptist Church are beclowning themselves again.

Somebody just observing the facts of 1,400 years of history might just reasonably start to wonder if the majority really are that peaceful after all. They sure do seem to be involved in a lot of wars for a “peaceful” cult, don’t they? But that’s probably just due to racists. Or the Koch Brothers. Boo. Hiss…

Elsewhere, a handful of failed states are seeing carnage over some variant of the seventh-century dispute. And the rage that moved Hamas to lob rockets on birthday parties in Tel Aviv, and Israelis to kill children playing soccer on the beach in Gaza,

There’s a difference here that eludes Timmy and his fellow Prozis, and that is that the Israeli kids were deliberately targeted by the “peaceful” muslims and the anecdotal kids in Gaza were killed because Hamas deliberately made sure that they were in the line of fire when the “evil” Jooos fired back.

How do we know this?

For one thing, they’ve always been doing this and they’ve even been bragging about how effective of a tactic it is, but during the recent unpleasantness Hamas missiles have been showing up in enough Gaza UN “schools” that we’re beginning to wonder if they’re a part of Common Core.

has its roots in the spiritual superiority of extremists on both sides.

Sure. Deliberately using children as human shields to produce bodies you can parade in front of imbeciles like Timmy is EXACTLY the same as hitting those human shields in an effort to stop your enemy from deliberately targeting your children. No difference there. To a Prozi. Or any other dumb animal you could mention.

The most horrific of the religion-inspired zealots may be Boko Haram in Nigeria. As is well known thanks to a feel-good and largely useless Twitter campaign, 250 girls were kidnapped by these gangsters for the crime of attending school. Boko Haram’s God tells them to sell the girls into slavery.

The current intra-religious fights are not to be confused with people who fly airplanes into buildings, or shoot up innocents while shouting “God is great.”

But they’re most assuredly to be confused with the Supreme Court’s recent decision that companies can’t be forced to pay for Sandra Flukes dildo, as Timmy proves by spending the last few words of his idiotic rant on it.

The problem is that people of faith often become fanatics of faith. Reason and force are useless against aspiring martyrs.

In the United States, God is on the currency. By brilliant design, though, he is not mentioned in the Constitution

He is, however, mentioned in the Declaration of Independence, unless you believe that by “Creator” they meant the guy who brought them cold beverages while they were debating what to put in there.

More importantly, He (any version of Him that you prefer, G-d bless you), and the worship of Him is specifically protected from the voracious tentacles of the government in the Bill of Rights. And not just in any amendment, but the first one. You would think that with only ten of them in there, being mentioned in the first one might be considered sort of important, even to a Prozi.

The founders were explicit: This country would never formally align God with one political party, or allow someone to use religion to ignore civil laws.

And, which Timmy boy conveniently forgets, they were equally explicit about the government never, EVER being allowed to pass any law, civil or otherwise, interfering with people’s worship or non-worship of Him. Or Her. Or It. Or anything else. That’s what “freedom of religion” means.

And that’s why Prozis like Timmy always “forget” about that “minor” detail.

They don’t, as a rule, like rules that forbid the government doing anything that they want the government to do. Such as forcing you and I to pay for Sandra Fluke’s KY Gel.

The Founders added that amendment specifically because they had seen what government interfering with personal religious beliefs leads to, they’d seen it in spades in Europe. Which is why they left. And they didn’t want to see it happening again over here.

At least that was the intent. In this summer of the violent God, five justices on the Supreme Court seem to feel otherwise.

We’ve been trying to find out just what Timmy means with this, but it’s as futile as trying to read the auspices from the guts of a seagull. You can’t reason your way to it as no reason, not even a glimmer of it, was used in formulating it.

Is he saying that the Supreme Court was “aligning G-d with one political party?” If so, then every conceivable opinion issuing from the Supreme Court that just so happens to align with any religious belief can be said to be based on religion and aligned with whatever party happens to agree with it. The reasoning behind it doesn’t matter. If it aligns with a party, a belief, or both, it’s un-Constitutional. Which is great. We can then throw every single Supreme Court decision that happens to agree with the Progressive Socialist Party right the fuck out the window. Unfortunately, we’d have to throw every other opinion out as well as it is bound to align with somebody at some point.

Bottom line, though, according to Timmy: The Supreme Court decision to NOT force Hobby Lobby to pay for somebody else’s condoms was every bit the same as 9/11.

"Just don't take Sandra's free rubbers away, or the terrorists will have won."

“Just don’t take Sandra’s free rubbers away, or the terrorists will have won.”


Useless Nitwits, Arming Terrorists Since… Forever

Now they’ve been caught hiding Ham-ass missiles in their UN “schools.”

Some 20 rockets were found Wednesday in a school in Gaza operated by the United Nations Relief and Works Agency, the organization confirmed Thursday.

The weapons were found in “the course of the regular inspection of its premises,” UNRWA said in a statement, adding that the school was vacant.

“UNRWA strongly condemns the group or groups responsible for placing the weapons in one of its installations. This is a flagrant violation of the inviolability of its premises under international law,” the statement read.

“Further, we have absolutely NO IDEA how those missiles found their way into that vacant school with nobody in it because it was vacant and we had nothing to do with it, pinky swear, how DARE you question us?”

Kill a blue helmet for Jesus.


Anybody Up For Pizza?

Looks like it’s on, and the market is going go be flooded by Paleosimian Crispy Critter Snacks right soon:

Israeli tanks, infantry and engineering units were ordered to launch a broad front assault on Gaza on Thursday by Israeli prime minister Binyamin Netanyahu as last ditch efforts to secure a ceasefire deal in Cairo collapsed.

According to the Jerusalem Post, the decision to launch the ground invasion was taken at an Israeli security cabinet meeting on Tuesday night after Hamas had rejected an Egyptian ceasefire proposal and after Hamas militants tried to infiltrate Israel through a tunnel from Gaza.

Ham-ass were probably unhappy that the ceasefire proposal didn’t include the words “and all the Joooos must kill themselves within two weeks.”

In reply, Hamas said Israel’s ground incursion into the Gaza Strip would have “dreadful consequences”.

His Imperial Majesty certainly hopes so. Piles of paleoswinian bodies rotting in the sun, bloated and stinking while the few surviving mooselimb animals wander among them, starving and wailing.

Wait… That’s not even remotely dreadful.

“It does not scare the Hamas leaders or the Palestinian people,” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri said. “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act.”

We’re certainly willing to believe that it doesn’t scare Ham-ass’s “leadership”, as they’re most likely busy hiding in bunkers as deep as they can dig them while their retarded minions scurry about upstairs stacking dead children for photo ops.

Let the games begin.


May You Live in Interesting Times

It would seem that we are, indeed.

So a passenger plane is shot down by some of Dear Leader’s haji friends (unless you live in an alternate universe where planes routinely cease to function at high altitude and promptly disappear from existence, in which case you might be a Prozi), Ear Leader jokes about it and all of the so-called “intelligent” pundits start wondering “could it be…?”

Yeah, it could. It is. And it has been for thirteen hundred years. Thank you for joining the party, Einstein. We’ve been waiting with bated breath for you to grace us with your presence, you massive intellects. So good of you to finally catch up after a millennium and a half. Truly, you are a credit to your species. It only took you that long to recognize that a cult that has been preaching your destruction since the day it was formed to finally realize that maybe, just maybe, they might be interested in your destruction?

Truly magnificent. If only we were half as smart as you.

But better nate than lever, right?

Now kindly go play in traffic, would you? Us grownups have things we need to do and, quite frankly, with your constant OCD licking of the windows, you’re only getting in the way.

Meanwhile, Israel is set to “invade” Gaza. This may be the first time in recorded history that moving into your own territory has been labeled an “invasion.” But, then again, English isn’t English anymore and, as we all know, words mean only what our Prozi masters in Washington tell us that they mean. While the alleged “opposition” party busies themselves licking off the Prozis’ taint sweat, praising the pungent aroma of it. So vote for them! Or you’re a traitor to the Republic and Ann Coulter will never write another column for you again!

Gaza? We’re glad you asked. Why bother “invading” it? Everything there that was worth owning has already been destroyed by the simian mooselimb animals that took it over after Israel, in yet another futile effort to appease both Hamas and Washington at the same time, moved out. All that’s there is a bunch of murderous monkeys sitting on a pile of feces. It’d be much more efficient to just gas the whole area, then cover it in gasoline, then set fire to it.

But not until Ear Leader sent a committee there to discuss, once again, the best way of getting Eretz Yisroel to slit her own throat so Ear Leader’s haji friends can have their way. Seeing those Washington Prozi motherfuckers choking on their own bile while their tongues turn blue would make his Imperial Majesty so happy he’d need three months at least to get down from the high.


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