Everybody says that, but His Imperial Majesty has the last say. He’s an Emperor, after all, complete with one of those fancy Burger King cardboard crowns that it took him forever to assemble, so it’s not like he didn’t put any effort into it. That and an entirely justified belief in his own superiority in all matters, and I think we can all agree that this is the ultimate platform, the Platform to End All Platforms. Until we come up with a new and improved one, that is.
So, without further ado, we present the Imperial Leave Me The Fuck Alone Platform. On the issues, more to be added later:
1) Foreign policy
The Imperial Leave Us the Fuck Alone Party has a very simple philosophy here: If you’re not a threat to us, we don’t give a good gott-damm what you do, and we expect the same courtesy in return. Your humanitarian issues are yours if you have any, as long as they don’t impinge on our national interests. If you decide that your domestic policy involves beating puppies to death and they aren’t our puppies, go right ahead. Just don’t expect us to give a shit about what you have to say on other issues. Don’t be a jackass and, if you must, get used to being treated like jackasses. No, your particular cultural “values” aren’t equally valid by default, and for us to accept them you have to earn it. Deal with it. Next disaster you run into, don’t come crying to us. We don’t like people killing puppies. But we also won’t intervene militarily to save the puppies.
If you DO pose a threat to us, we won’t negotiate for decades, trying to not hurt your feelings. You can choose to cease and desist in being a threat to us, or we will destroy you. No, we won’t issue a sternly worded memo and no, we won’t even go in and bitch slap you, only to waste thousands of lives and billions of dollars cleaning up the mess you forced us to make. We’ll go in, break all of your shit, and then we’ll leave only a note saying “don’t make us come back again, because that really pisses us off.
2) Free Trade
We’re for it. As long as it works both ways. We like selling our shit to you and if you have shit that we want, we love buying it from you. But if you as much as think about throwing us over a barrel and screw us, we’d like you to know that we were the original horse traders and we’ll spot such a thing from several time zones away. And then we’ll screw you right the fuck back. With interest.
3) Government reform
The government that governs least is the best government. We believe that about 90% of government could be shut down and barely anybody would notice. Witness the “sequester” and the “shutdown.” Government needs to be decentralized for the very good and simple reason that some bloated corrupt fuck in DC spending most of his time snorting coke off the pussies of underage interns has little if any knowledge of what Peoria needs, and much less interest.
We’ll happily pay for his coke habit, on the one condition that he quits passing laws. History shows that countries have never been happier than when their governments were a bunch of squabbling idiots getting nothing done. We’d like to get back to that. After we fire 90% of them and force them to get real jobs that might contribute something to society.
Short version: If it is something that local government or even, gasp, private citizens can take care of, then government should butt the fuck out. If they won’t, they should be tried, convicted and sentenced to death.
4) Gun Control
This means “hitting what you’re aiming at and only what you’re supposed to be aiming at.” We realize that this would disqualify about 75% of current law enforcement officers from carrying anything more lethal than a Nerf Gun, but we also support rectifying that by providing our LEOs with proper and adequate training.
5) Health Care
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it were broke, we can’t find any explanation why foreigners are happy to travel halfway across the world to pay, out of pocket, for treatment in what is allegedly the most inefficient, overpriced health care system in the world. Maybe they’re stupid, but we’ll take their money anyway.
Bottom line: My health care decisions are my own, just as my health is. So butt the fuck out, government.
6) Homeland Security
We’ll paraphrase Gandhi and say “that would be a nice idea.” Until such time as those fry cook rejects actually start producing results, we’d be better off sending them back to scraping the grill at the local diner at minimum wage. Granted, it would not give them the same access to aggravated sexual assault on children under the color of law, but maybe they could dip their dicks in the deep fry bin from time to time for their kicks.
This one is actually quite simple. If you follow legal channels AND if your skills, personality and work ethic will contribute to our economy rather than run low skilled native workers out of a job, then you’re more than welcome. If not, kindly get right the fuck back to where you came from. Once you’re developed skills that might be useful to this nation, you’re more than welcome to try again. We like to accept the cream of the crop from the rest of the world. We don’t need the dregs. We have more than enough of those who were born here that we can’t throw out.
Leave employers the fuck alone and they’ll create jobs. We’re Americans. We see a business opportunity, we’ll go for it. But if you have to spend years battling red tape only to start a business which will then be the target of the ProgNazis 5 minute hate and raped senseless in taxes, then the idea becomes somewhat less attractive.
This is a start, but we’re not done yet.