It’s Time For a New Party

Everybody says that, but His Imperial Majesty has the last say. He’s an Emperor, after all, complete with one of those fancy Burger King cardboard crowns that it took him forever to assemble, so it’s not like he didn’t put any effort into it. That and an entirely justified belief in his own superiority in all matters, and I think we can all agree that this is the ultimate platform, the Platform to End All Platforms. Until we come up with a new and improved one, that is.

So, without further ado, we present the Imperial Leave Me The Fuck Alone Platform. On the issues, more to be added later:

1) Foreign policy

The Imperial Leave Us the Fuck Alone Party has a very simple philosophy here: If you’re not a threat to us, we don’t give a good gott-damm what you do, and we expect the same courtesy in return. Your humanitarian issues are yours if you have any, as long as they don’t impinge on our national interests. If you decide that your domestic policy involves beating puppies to death and they aren’t our puppies, go right ahead. Just don’t expect us to give a shit about what you have to say on other issues. Don’t be a jackass and, if you must, get used to being treated like jackasses. No, your particular cultural “values” aren’t equally valid by default, and for us to accept them you have to earn it. Deal with it. Next disaster you run into, don’t come crying to us. We don’t like people killing puppies. But we also won’t intervene militarily to save the puppies.

If you DO pose a threat to us, we won’t negotiate for decades, trying to not hurt your feelings. You can choose to cease and desist in being a threat to us, or we will destroy you. No, we won’t issue a sternly worded memo and no, we won’t even go in and bitch slap you, only to waste thousands of lives and billions of dollars cleaning up the mess you forced us to make. We’ll go in, break all of your shit, and then we’ll leave only a note saying “don’t make us come back again, because that really pisses us off.

2)
Free Trade

We’re for it. As long as it works both ways. We like selling our shit to you and if you have shit that we want, we love buying it from you. But if you as much as think about throwing us over a barrel and screw us, we’d like you to know that we were the original horse traders and we’ll spot such a thing from several time zones away. And then we’ll screw you right the fuck back. With interest.

3) Government reform

The government that governs least is the best government. We believe that about 90% of government could be shut down and barely anybody would notice. Witness the “sequester” and the “shutdown.” Government needs to be decentralized for the very good and simple reason that some bloated corrupt fuck in DC spending most of his time snorting coke off the pussies of underage interns has little if any knowledge of what Peoria needs, and much less interest.

We’ll happily pay for his coke habit, on the one condition that he quits passing laws. History shows that countries have never been happier than when their governments were a bunch of squabbling idiots getting nothing done. We’d like to get back to that. After we fire 90% of them and force them to get real jobs that might contribute something to society.

Short version: If it is something that local government or even, gasp, private citizens can take care of, then government should butt the fuck out. If they won’t, they should be tried, convicted and sentenced to death.

4) Gun Control

This means “hitting what you’re aiming at and only what you’re supposed to be aiming at.” We realize that this would disqualify about 75% of current law enforcement officers from carrying anything more lethal than a Nerf Gun, but we also support rectifying that by providing our LEOs with proper and adequate training.

5) Health Care

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it were broke, we can’t find any explanation why foreigners are happy to travel halfway across the world to pay, out of pocket, for treatment in what is allegedly the most inefficient, overpriced health care system in the world. Maybe they’re stupid, but we’ll take their money anyway.

Bottom line: My health care decisions are my own, just as my health is. So butt the fuck out, government.

6) Homeland Security

We’ll paraphrase Gandhi and say “that would be a nice idea.” Until such time as those fry cook rejects actually start producing results, we’d be better off sending them back to scraping the grill at the local diner at minimum wage. Granted, it would not give them the same access to aggravated sexual assault on children under the color of law, but maybe they could dip their dicks in the deep fry bin from time to time for their kicks.

7) Immigration

This one is actually quite simple. If you follow legal channels AND if your skills, personality and work ethic will contribute to our economy rather than run low skilled native workers out of a job, then you’re more than welcome. If not, kindly get right the fuck back to where you came from. Once you’re developed skills that might be useful to this nation, you’re more than welcome to try again. We like to accept the cream of the crop from the rest of the world. We don’t need the dregs. We have more than enough of those who were born here that we can’t throw out.

8) Jobs

Leave employers the fuck alone and they’ll create jobs. We’re Americans. We see a business opportunity, we’ll go for it. But if you have to spend years battling red tape only to start a business which will then be the target of the ProgNazis 5 minute hate and raped senseless in taxes, then the idea becomes somewhat less attractive.

This is a start, but we’re not done yet.

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angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 2, 2014 08:53

Great ideas. You should be expecting a visit from the Obama Reeducation Specialists any time now. :em06:

Terrapod
Terrapod
March 2, 2014 09:00

Great platform for a fresh conservative party, pity neither teh Emperor nor myself can legally run as presidential candidates, but we will gladly participate in the creation and execution of the new Federal Rationalization Board, tasked and empowered to clean legislative/executive/judiciary in DC. All we need is absolute power for about 180 days though I dare say we could do… Read more »

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 2, 2014 09:30

Terrapod @ #:

pity neither teh Emperor nor myself can legally run as presidential candidates

How about drafting someone?
I nominate Author Tom Kratman!! :em01:
We just need to keep him from fleeing to Panama when it comes time to administer the oath of office.
:em05:

LC SecondMouse
LC SecondMouse
March 2, 2014 10:06

Good thinking. Income tax reform. Consider a national sales tax as replacement. People with actual incomes should be able to keep more of it, and not have to spend days trying to figure out what they owe. The IRS needs to go, and be replaced by a much smaller entity overseeing a dramatically simplified process. Require all elected federal representatives… Read more »

LCBren
Admin
LCBren
March 2, 2014 10:10

9) Homeland Security: Owing to past events the following procedures will now be followed by TSA If you are a grandmother or a toddler, you will be scanned and checked, but NO patdowns on any child under the age of ten. Normal customs security procedures WILL be followed, however, so we will search your bags etc as a matter of… Read more »

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 2, 2014 11:21

LCBrendan @ #: Yes its because you are Muslim. What about those with the name Fatima Fatass, but she is actually a Christian, Druze or even Jewish? And I just had a major disappointment. I bought a new Ruger SR45 yesterday with the intent of deflowering it today. My range is booked solid so my new girl will have to… Read more »

0007
0007
March 2, 2014 11:48

Had me at “IT’S”…

March 2, 2014 12:11

– Every bill, resolution, or piece of outhouse graffiti that emanates from DC shall include a clear explanation of a) this is constitutional because…, b) this is necessary because…, c) this will cost about…. If the sponsor(s) grossly underestimate costs more than once, they, and their staff, will tried for felony misprision. They will have the opportunity to explain the… Read more »

Orion
Orion
March 2, 2014 12:19

As far as drafting goes, I’m in favor of a Whittle/Reynolds ticket… At gunpoint, if necessary. I’d love to see the stump speeches with the two of them being forced to speak to the masses by armed guards. “Look, we don’t WANT to be in…” ‘Shut up. You’re the best qualified, so you get to be President.” I think it’s… Read more »

Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery
Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery
March 2, 2014 13:28

You’ve seen my graphics work Boss….

I’ll design the campaign posters for you.

LibraryGryffon
LibraryGryffon
March 2, 2014 13:56

And Kim du Toit will have to be whoever-doesn’t-leave-the-room-quick-enough-to-avoid-being-drafted-as-president’s press secretary. He has offered at least once I seem to recall. Briefings would be much more entertaining and enlightening.

March 2, 2014 15:20

Commenting so as not to lose my account due to inactivity.

But generally AYE to the post.

LC Xystus
LC Xystus
March 2, 2014 15:45

We like selling our shit to you and if you have shit that we want, we love buying it from you. Doesn’t sound like a product worth importing. Terrapod @2. Great platform for a fresh conservative party, pity neither teh Emperor nor myself can legally run as presidential candidates… angrywebmaster@3. How about drafting someone? Orion @9. As far as drafting… Read more »

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 2, 2014 15:49

Might I suggest a platform addition? How about public crucifixion for scum that mug a pregnant woman, in labor, at gunpoint?
:em08:
That is if they are taken alive…which they shouldn’t be.
:em07:

Tallulah
Tallulah
March 2, 2014 15:55

Okay, it’s time to kick ass.

Here’s the best dang version of Orange Blossom Special I ever heard to get you in the mood:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7F7kF3T32U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7F7kF3T32U

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
March 2, 2014 15:57

Bills introduced in Congress must be read aloud, completely without breaks by the least physically fit sponsor or chair of any committee it has been passed out of. If unable to do so, the bill will be immediately killed and the sponsors removed from any committee chairs and all seniority lost. Any legislator who votes for or President who signs… Read more »

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
March 2, 2014 16:00

One other thing, any legislator introducing any gun control legislation whatsoever shall be immediately taken out and hung from the Capitol porch.

And will someone get that damned edit function working?

LCBren
Admin
LCBren
March 2, 2014 18:01

What about those with the name Fatima Fatass, but she is actually a Christian, Druze or even Jewish?

Hmmm. Good question.

irish19
irish19
March 2, 2014 20:22

One minor suggestion

You can choose to cease and desist in being a threat to us, or we will destroy you. or you can cease to exist.

.

irish19
irish19
March 2, 2014 20:30

Well, that didn’t work too well. The suggestion should have read:
Either cease and desist being a threat or cease to exist.

March 2, 2014 21:46

Executives of all now bankrupt “green energy” companies that received Dept. of Energy grants (Solyndra, et al.) will be required to pay back the money with interest, or work off the debt by breaking rocks at Ft. Leavenworth at a rate of 35 cents per hour.

Erbo
Erbo
March 3, 2014 00:20

There SHALL be an immediate and comprehensive forensic audit on the Federal Reserve and on all major banking institutions in the country. Any evidence of wrongdoing found as a result of these audits to be turned over to a Grand Jury for indictment and prosecution. Any financial gains made as a result of such wrongdoing to be clawed back and,… Read more »

VAconservative
VAconservative
March 3, 2014 05:18

LC SecondMouse @ #:

Emperor and Second Mouse, that’s a good start.

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
March 3, 2014 08:53

Superb concept, and I see a lot of good addendums. I’d vote for it!

BigDogg - Imperial Thread Killer (ITK)
BigDogg - Imperial Thread Killer (ITK)
March 3, 2014 14:12

Dismantle ALL government agencies and departments, and start over from scratch. Resign from the UN, and kick them the fuck off of US soil. Foreign “aid” only goes to those that have true humanitarian needs, and then only if the aid goes directly to the people in need of it, not their government. Federal income tax – flat tax, everyone… Read more »

LCBren
Admin
LCBren
March 3, 2014 17:18

Resign from the UN, and kick them the fuck off of US soil.

…after they have paid every last cent of their parking tickets.

LC R6
LC R6
March 3, 2014 19:30

pity neither teh Emperor nor myself can legally run as presidential candidates

Why? You born in Kenya or something?

LibraryGryffon
LibraryGryffon
March 3, 2014 19:47

LC Xystus @ #: If so it must be very recent, or there’s another Kim du Toit wandering out there making comments at Sarah Hoyt’s blog. And if he is deceased, we’ll just need to figure out how to bring back Zombie Kim (the man would still have more brains post death than most of DC has while nominally living,… Read more »

Darth Venomous
Darth Venomous
March 3, 2014 20:22

Okay, if it’s the definitive version of Orange Blossom Special you’re looking for, try this one by Felix Slatkin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXkKzPvwWs0

Worked for a guy named Mack at WBAP for many a year…

Bones
Bones
March 3, 2014 20:37

Quote BigDog ” Dismantle ALL government agencies and departments, and start over from scratch. Resign from the UN, and kick them the fuck off of US soil. Foreign “aid” only goes to those that have true humanitarian needs, and then only if the aid goes directly to the people in need of it, not their government. Federal income tax –… Read more »

Draven32
Draven32
March 3, 2014 21:41

VonZorch Imperial Researcher says: Bills introduced in Congress must be read aloud, completely without breaks by the least physically fit sponsor or chair of any committee it has been passed out of. If unable to do so, the bill will be immediately killed and the sponsors removed from any committee chairs and all seniority lost. Any legislator who votes for… Read more »

HempRopeAndStreetlight
HempRopeAndStreetlight
March 4, 2014 00:28

10: Disband the wretched TSA, and ship every raping, child molesting, thieving jack boot wearing stooge with their little blue gloves and Nazi-esque uniforms somewhere 3rd world.

:em01:

Special Ed
Special Ed
March 4, 2014 08:29

No TSA. No explosives on aircraft. Carry whatever gun you like aboard, sit next to and grin at whichever freak you wish. If anyone tries to hijack, try not to depressurize the cabin. But if you do, that’s what those oxygen masks are for. Oh, and one more thing, Sire. Short version: If it is something that local government or… Read more »

Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
March 4, 2014 14:32

Special Ed says:

Carry whatever gun you like aboard, sit next to and grin at whichever freak you wish.

Hooray!! Finally, someone will sit by me! :em01:

Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
March 4, 2014 14:38

VonZorch Imperial Researcher says: Any legislator who votes for or President who signs any legislation later found to be unconstitutional shall on the first offense be fined one half of their yearly pay, on a second offense they will be immediately removed from office and be forever debarred any political office. I would go farther, and say confiscation of whatever… Read more »

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 4, 2014 14:46

Princess Natasha, Vlad Putin’s Bastard War-Child @ #:

I would go farther, and say confiscation of whatever wealth they amassed WHILE in office.

Just think of all the career hacks who will be impoverished and starve to death since they’ve never worked a day in their lives in the “Dreaded Private Sector.” I’m talking about YOU DINGALL!!
:em05: :em07:

Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
March 4, 2014 15:05

angrywebmaster says:

Just think of all the career hacks who will be impoverished and starve to death

I do not see a downside to this, my good Sir! :em05:

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
March 4, 2014 16:42

You do know people do sometimes make mistakes. The first time be nice assume it is an error, get their attention, but if it happens again it indicates an untreatable condition. Also no severability clauses, if any part of a law is bad the whole thing is. The president may not veto repeals of law. And it only takes a… Read more »

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 4, 2014 17:06

Princess Natasha, Vlad Putin’s Bastard War-Child @ #: I do not see a downside to this, my good Sir! Ahh the problems of text only responses. You couldn’t see me rubbing my hands together and grinning in fiendish glee at the thought. My simple post could have been taken to mean I would have some sympathy. Nothing could be further… Read more »

Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
March 4, 2014 19:08

VonZorch Imperial Researcher says: You do know people do sometimes make mistakes. The first time be nice assume it is an error, get their attention, but if it happens again it indicates an untreatable condition. Also no severability clauses, if any part of a law is bad the whole thing is. The president may not veto repeals of law. And… Read more »

Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
Princess Natasha, Imperial Koch-monger
March 4, 2014 19:13

HempRopeAndStreetlight says: 10: Disband the wretched TSA, and ship every raping, child molesting, thieving jack boot wearing stooge with their little blue gloves and Nazi-esque uniforms somewhere 3rd world. I totally agree, and all the charges you level against them are valid and indisputable. But speaking as a, if you wish, “fashion nazi”, I take exception to such ugly fat… Read more »

HempRopeAndStreetlight
HempRopeAndStreetlight
March 4, 2014 21:15

Trebuchet fan myself.

VonZorch Imperial Researcher
VonZorch Imperial Researcher
March 5, 2014 16:29
Gunbunny
Gunbunny
March 10, 2014 08:54

Here’s another platform plank, The 13-Day Rule: If you print the Constitution on 8 1/2? x 11? paper, single-sided, with normal margins and without the Amendments, it takes up 9 pages. The Founding Fathers spent 116 days debating the Constitution which works out to roughly 13 days per page. So say, for example, Obamacare’s 2700 pages were required to be… Read more »

Gunbunny
Gunbunny
March 10, 2014 09:03

Terrapod @ #:

pity neither teh Emperor nor myself can legally run as presidential candidates

And that stopped the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

angrywebmaster
angrywebmaster
March 10, 2014 09:06

Gunbunny @ #: So say, for example, Obamacare’s 2700 pages were required to be debated at that rate… (2700 pages) x (13 days) = 35,100 days. Working 5 days a week year-round with no vacations (or Congressional recesses) that’s 260 working days a year, so to fully debate Obamacare, it would have taken them… 135 years to debate the bill.… Read more »