On This Day in History

…In which His Imperial Majesty attempts to bore you all to tears with his irreverent commentary about monumental historic events.

Such as Feb 14, 270 AD, when Claudius the Cruel (we’d kill for that nickname!) had a preacher beaten to death and beheaded, because he wanted to be absolutely sure, apparently, for running around marrying people like it was going out of style. Which it would have been, had Claudius the Cruel had his way, but some people just seem utterly unable to get a gentle hint.

Claudius had this silly notion that Romans getting married was keeping them from joining the legions, and boy did he need his legions, because they’d much rather stay at home and get nagged to death than go off on glorious crusades of conquest, adventure, rapine and pillage.

Clearly the historians who made this up were utterly full of bovine excrement. Or neutered. Or both.

Any gate, this preacher named Valentine disagreed and blatantly kept marrying people because he knew full well that the best way to get a Roman to drop his cock and grab his socks and join the legion, ANY legion, even the French Foreign one, had it been invented at the time, was to tie him to a nagging shrew bent on emasculating the ever loving Hades out of him. History proves that he was right. Claudius the Fool (real name Marcus Aurelius Valerius Claudius Augustus, but that was too long to fit on a check, which thankfully also hadn’t been invented yet) was having none of that so off with his head.

Interestingly, 270 was also the year that the same Claudius died of smallpox.

Valentine, as we all know, was since canonized (which is something they do in Rome that does, disappointingly, not involve any cannons of any sort) and, in a twist of true irony, became the genesis of a holiday in which males all over the empire spend hours spending money they don’t have on trinkets they don’t need to escape the wrath of their wives, should they fail to remember.

Perhaps we should all just join the legions instead.



  1. 1
    Farmor, LC, GLOR and Imperial Mother growls and barks:


  2. 2
    LC R6 growls and barks:

    Claudius the Cruel (we’d kill for that nickname!)

    Yeah, Misha the Mean™ just doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi.

    Interestingly, 270 was also the year that the same Claudius died of smallpox.

    That’s a liberal re-write. He actually was against marriage and died due to the medical condition known as Smallcock(s?).

    Merry Honeydewlist Day

  3. 3
    L.O.R. Ankle biter growls and barks:

    Actually I’m more inclined to shoot Cupid in the ass with his own bow and arrows. Useless, no-aiming Sumbitch. My valentine’s my dad and always will be I think, least until one or the other of us goes.

  4. 4
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    Ah yes, Single Awareness Day. My unmarried daughter just looooooooves this day… poor girl.

  5. 5
    LC MuscleDaddy growls and barks:

    Then I think we should all wish a Happy Valentine’s Day to Igor’s Daughter – then he can print it off and show her that someone’s thinking of her today.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Igor’s Daughter!

    – MD

  6. 6
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    LC MuscleDaddy @ #5:
    She appreciates the effort, good sir! She has a four-day weekend, so she’s not *totally* unhappy. Just grouchy. Think Grouchy Cat.

    Hey, it beats “funemployment”…

  7. 7
    BC, Imperial Torturer growls and barks:

    If we ever invent a time machine, we should strip Rosie O’Donuts down, tie her up on a spread-eagle steel I-beam contraption, slather her down with menhaden oil and send her back to that rat bastard, St. Valentine. (Injecting her with a 10X dose of Viagra before hitting the “Send” button would be an added bonus.)

  8. 8
    LC MuscleDaddy growls and barks:

    BC, Imperial Torturer @ #:

    tie her up on a spread-eagle steel I-beam contraption

    At least she wouldn’t have to worry about it being melted by fire… ’cause that’s never happened.

    – MD

  9. 9
    single stack growls and barks:

    If we ever invent a time machine, we should strip Rosie O’Donuts down,

    You’re elected to be the one that does that.
    And fuck you for putting that picture in my mind’s eye ya bastard. :em06:

  10. 10
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    Or this?

  11. 11
    Tallulah growls and barks:

    OT but worth a post!

    I got this missive from another hell-raising friend of mine. Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

    11 YR OLD GIRL SHOOTS ILLEGALS (That’s called getting Er Done right the lst time!!!)

    BUTTE , MONTANA: Shotgun kid vs. Illegal alien Home Invaders…

    Two illegal aliens, Ralphel Resindez, 23, and Enrico Garza, 26, probably believed they would easily overpower home-alone 11-year-old Patricia Harrington after her father had left their two-story home.

    It seems the two crooks never learned two things: they were in Montana, and Patricia had been a clay-shooting champion since she was nine. Patricia was in her upstairs room when the two men broke through the front door of the house.

    She quickly ran to her father’s room and grabbed his 12-gauge Mossberg 500 shotgun. Resindez was the first to get up to the second floor, only to be the first to catch a near point-blank blast of buckshot from the 11-year-old’s knee-crouch aim. He suffered fatal wounds to his abdomen and genitals.

    When Garza ran to the foot of the stairs, he took a blast to the left shoulder and staggered out into the street, where he bled to death before medical help could arrive.

    It was found out later that Resindez was armed with a stolen 45-caliber handgun he took from another home invasion robbery.
    That victim, 50-year-old David O’Burien, was not so lucky. He died from stab wounds to the chest.

    Ever wonder why good stuff never makes NBC, CBS, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, or ABC news……..? [naaah]

    An 11 year old girl, properly trained, defended her home, and herself…… against two murderous, illegal immigrants…..and she wins.

    She is still alive.

    Now THAT is Gun Control!

    Thought for the day…. Calling an illegal alien an ‘undocumented immigrant’ is like calling a drug dealer an ‘unlicensed pharmacist.’ I like this kind of e-mail! American citizens defending themselves and their homes.


  12. 12
    LC Xystus growls and barks:


    Has a familiar ring to it. The story was circulating months ago, but aside from being placed in MT there were few specifics.

  13. 13
    Boryon growls and barks:

    Alas, the story about Patricia Harrington appears to be fake. The snopes page does have a few verified similar tales though.

  14. 14
    Veeshir growls and barks:

    Awesome post. I wish I had seen it yesterday.

    Claudius the Cruel (we’d kill for that nickname!)

    You’re only cruel to people who deserve it.

    I see you more as a Misha the Marauder Scourge of the Steppes.

    Me? I’d probably end up being Clau-Clau-Claudius.

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    To those who mention Snopes as a valid resource? Do a little research. :em06: