Sweet Lord, the Tears, I Just Can’t Stop Crying

Because these reviews of sugar free Gummie Bears are so fucking hilarious I am literally wiping tears away as I read them to Bangie Thing, who is also crying from laughing so hard.

These are  just two samples, you really have to read all of them.

As I type this review, I’m on the toilet, surrounded by my dearest family and friends and a priest. I’m not exactly sure whether this is an exorcism or if I’m getting my last rites read to me. This very well could be my final crowning moment. I may never make it back to my feet. What a way to go. Will I go out by suffocating in a toxic byproduct stench? Will I croak from my body expelling all essential nutrients for life? Is this the apacolypse? What is occurring in my body right now may only be explained with the final 20 minutes of the movie Independence Day. The sweet gummy bears that I thought I had chewed and swallowed have now resurrected inside my bowels with a vengeance. The only thing that I can imagine they are doing is s***ting inside my digestive tract. Decomposed zombie gummy bear s***. This can’t be all my s***. There’s no way. That’s not my s***. That’s s*** from a supernatural entity living inside me. Literally nothing I’ve eaten in a dozen years could possibly turn my ass into a to-scale model of Mt. St. Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City at such a cyclic rate, that I’m worried the war veteran below me thinks he’s storming Normandy again. Shame on everyone who handled these bears before they made it to me. Shame on Amazon for making theses available for purchase. Shame on the guy in the warehouse who packaged this for shipment. Shame on the UPS guy for bringing this to my door. You all knew. I know you knew, and you knew I’d know. And you still let me do this to myself. Shame on you!
My last hope now is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.

And

Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle.
Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet
Enough said.
My advice….. Don’t use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me – 7 years ago.

24 comments

  1. 1
    sleeper growls and barks:

    Thanks, buddy. The uncontrollable paroxysms of laughter triggered a bout of asthma. No kidding.

    I’ll be all right. Took some drugs, will go back and read some more.

  2. 2

    sleeper @ #:
    Don’t hurt yerself now buddy, all good things in moderation.

  3. 3
    LibraryGryffon growls and barks:

    There’s a second asthma attack over here too. Mountain Dew and an inhaler should take care of it just fine.

    I will make sure never to eat sugar-free gummi bears.

  4. 4

    The reviews for these things are absolutely incredible! My current plan is to feed them to the ex and hope that they perforate his bowel.

    Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

    But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

    AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

    I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

  5. 5
    LC Light29ID - The Imperial Asshole growls and barks:

    I believe it’s our patriotic duty to send a 5 pound bag to our respective Representatives and Senators…especially if they’re members NSDWP.

    Do it today. Do it for America. Or the terrorists will win.

  6. 6
    LC R6 growls and barks:

    I just bought 5 bags, put them in a pretty bowl and left the bowl in the executive break room.

  7. 7
    LC Ohio Right Wing Nut growls and barks:

    “Flamethrower toting Murder Bears.” :em05: :em05:

  8. 8
    LC TerribleTroy growls and barks:

    I will have to agree with one of the comments, just the thing for that “favorite politician” . Of course I would never do anything like that….

  9. 9

    LC Ohio Right Wing Nut says:

    “Flamethrower toting Murder Bears.”

    The first review referred to them as “HELLBEARS,” which made me cackle. It’s my favorite review of all time. But the rocket fuel one is a close second.

    During this time, the gummi bears, hereafter referred to as The Fuel, were being carefully processed in the fuel system of Space Ship Me. I can only assume that The Fuel is a highly advanced binary propellant because it is non-reactive and benign in storage and even during initial ingestion. But as with all binary propellants, when mixed with the complementary other half of the pairing, the results are highly energetic.

    Turning my parental duties over the the capable hands of the Roku and widescreen TV, I proceeded upstairs apace, shedding unnecessary accoutrements as I could tell this cowboy was about to Go Rodeo.

  10. 10
    LC SecondMouse growls and barks:

    I was innocently (I think) given a small package of these some years ago, and this post induced a brief bout of PTSD. I can vouch for the astonishing potency of these little digestive ninjas and their ability to render you into a pale, sweaty pile of throbbing pain.

  11. 11

    LC SecondMouse says:

    little digestive ninjas

    :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05:

    I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to laugh at you, but it’s just funny as all hell!

    Plus, I’m imagining my ex curled up in a large ball of Douche, whimpering, with gummy bear poop water shooting out of his rectum!

  12. 12
    LC Light29ID - The Imperial Asshole growls and barks:

    LC Nicki the Resident Misanthropic Bitch @ #:

    What about “Banana Tits”? I still what pics…for evidence…really…I swear…

  13. 13
    Boryon growls and barks:

    Third asthma attack over here. Well, I was already suffering and hadn’t made it to my inhaler before I decided to check in here (while taking other medicine), and this did not help. Dammit, between you lot and a certain Misguided Child over at Baen’s Bar, you’re determined to do me a mischief! :em01:

  14. 14
    LC MaxMomFL growls and barks:

    Oh, the rememberies! During my competitive body building days there was a diet regime (CKD) that included ultra-low-carbohydrate cycles. I didn’t have the extreme reaction to the SF candies that these reviewers had because I was careful to limit my artificial sweetener intake. However….my poor brother wasn’t so lucky. He decided to do what his big sis was doing, only instead of investing a bit of time and effort on reading and researching the whole picture he tried to glean the entire program from me over one quick guy-type phone call. Chaos ensued.

    He called me a day or two later moaning and belly aching (literally). “Why didn’t you WARN ME?!?” I had no idea what he meant. He then meekly whined his pathetic Tale of Toilet Torture for Twenty-four hours. Still, didn’t really get it since I’d never experienced that reaction due to not being an idiot who consumes an entire bag of candy as a meal replacement. me : “What are you going on about?” him: ” It was the sugar free candy!!! The candy!!! OH, GOD THE CANDY!!!” me: ” What did you eat? Maybe it’s an allergic reaction or something?” him: “Candy A in the morning, Candy B at lunch, Candy C before dinner…” me: “We aren’t related.”

    To this day I can terrorize him with a bag of SF candy, grown man, wife, kids, small business owner, reduced to a sniveling pile of whimptastic sibling payback. me: “Hey bro, have some candy?” him: “Noooooooooooooo! Keep it away from me!! AAAHHHHHH!!”

  15. 15

    LC Light29ID – The Imperial Asshole says:

    LC Nicki the Resident Misanthropic Bitch @ #:
    What about “Banana Tits”? I still what pics…for evidence…really…I swear…

    That would make BananaTits lose weight. Or lose her stomach through her ass. Either way, I’d be amused!

  16. 16
    CaveChild growls and barks:

    I’m about ready to pass out from lack of oxygen for laughing so hard.

  17. 17
    Nate growls and barks:

    Page three of the reviews:

    I’m sorry. I went inside to answer the phone and left my bag of Sugarless Gummy Bears on my porch. My neighbor’s snooty poodles, as they often do the minute my back is turned, slithered up looking to sneak a treat. They both tore into the bag, ate much of it, and pranced home where they were let in with terms of cuddlesome welcome.

    What happened next is too fearful to relate.

    I’m sorry.

    I … can’t … breathe… :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05:

  18. 18
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    Then it hit me, like the wave of doom tearing my *ss out. I could try to time the waves and run inside to grab trash bags. After one more backside vomit, I clenched the cheeks shut and ran into the house. Little did I know the Double Matinee of horror was only half over.

    The stench hit me first. Then the unbelievable reality. It’s was so bad the mind cannot comprehend. What was this? What was happening? What was I seeing? An 80lb Chocolate Lab, chocolate shot-gunning a putrid mixture of gummy bejeweled kibble and snausages. Everywhere! No wall or cabinet was untouched. Kibble and snausage with colorful little specs was my new wall paper. Standing there in the doorway paralyzed watching my dog wimper and run, spewing poo as if he were a firefighter’s hose left unattended.

    Oh. Sweet. G-D! I must… BREATHE!!!

    That was just plain glorious!

  19. 19
    Mark12A growls and barks:

    That’s way funnier than sneaking an ex-lax milkshake to a coworker.

  20. 20
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    Sittin’ here bustin’ a gut laughing and my kids are looking at me funny. :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05:

  21. 21
    Bones growls and barks:

    I was in tears, then sent my wife to read it, she was in tears. Said they had waaay to much time sittin on the shitter thinking this up, so we ain’t getting any of that. Then something about candy for my mom who comes in tomorrow for two weeks….. :em03:

  22. 22
    CaveChild growls and barks:

    I read some of these aloud to Nana, Caveman’s mother, and she said “You are aware he is laughing quite loudly at this?” She loved the reviews as well and thanks you all for bringing it to attention.

  23. 23
    Retired Spook growls and barks:

    This should be considered some form of assault! I don’t do anything sugar-free, but I can see investing the quid to acquire a 5 lb bag of these, to be used in the engineering staff meetings. (Engineers will eat ANYTHING that is free!)

  24. 24
    Just Another Random Nut, GLOR growls and barks:

    Oh. My G-d. :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05: :em05:

    Thanks for that. I needed that.