We’ll try to make this brief as we’re not sure how long the rusted old car battery we found in the garage will keep this computer going. Yes, LCs, the Apocalypse is drawing nigh. Last night, enraged mobs of furloughed employees from the Indian Arts and Crafts Board as well as starving stragglers from the Marine Mammals Committee (yes, those are both real, Federally funded entities) armed themselves with sharpened pencils and military-style assault staplers and took over our local power plant. They have shut the power off until, they say, they are properly reinstated with full pay as well as tickets to next year’s Cowboy Poetry Festival.
We honestly don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to hold out. Rumor has it that fresh reinforcements from the Arthritis and Musculoskeletal Interagency Coordinating Committee are approaching from the north to join forces with their friends at the power plant.
But Report We Much, so here goes:
Our Beloved Leader in Washington, surrounded on all sides by terrorist jihadi Rethugnicans refusing to fulfill their Constitutional duty as a rubber-stamping committee for his infinitely wise decisions, has been forced to instruct WWII vets that if they persist in wandering around the WWII monument without the benevolent supervision of the WWII Monument Supervising Army (now with added SWAT teams, we’re sure), they will be arrested and brought up on crimes against the people. They, on the other hand, being the horrible, anarchist unpatriotic bastards that they self-evidently are, remain unimpressed and persisted in tearing down barricades and perambulating through the facility.
Elsewhere, Barrack the First (and Most High), issued a decree that the Claude Moore Colonial Farm had to be closed as well, thanks to the intransigence and terroristic methods of the Rethugnicans.
The managing director of the facility, Anna Eberly, responded in a most disrespectful fashion, suggesting that His Almighty Barackiness must have lost his mind as said facility is entirely privately funded and manned. Already, capitalist running dog lackeys like Mrs. Eberly are spreading vile rumors that Comrade Obamovich’s motives are less than pure and that he is merely doing this out of spite to score cheap political points.
Elsewhere again, the Naval Academy Athletics Director announced that he’d been told that the cancellation of the Navy-Air Force game, wisely shut down by King Barrack the First due to lack of funds, was merely a matter of “optics”, an obvious lie as we all know that the game costs millions of… Wait… It doesn’t cost the federal government a dime. Nevertheless, it must be a lie. Der FUBAR says so, so it must be true.
And, finally, Comrade Reid has stated that under no circumstances will his Senate vote on a bill to fund cancer treatments for children that has already been passed in the House in the face of heroic resistance from our Comrades in the Democrat National Socialist Workers’ Party because, as he said, “why would we want to do THAT?”
Oh, wait, this just in: The Tea Party Terrorists and their Rethugnican allies are spreading rumors that Comrade Obama has ulterior motives in suggesting, on live television, that Wall Street ought to be seriously worried right about now. As if stating concern regarding impending doom ever had any consequences on the actions of investors at all in the history of mankind.
Next they’ll be claiming that he’s trying to engineer a stock market crash just so he can claim that the Rethugnicans did it while the savings of Americans take a nose-dive for his own political gain. It’s almost as if… Oh, wait… What exactly started the bank run in 2008 again?
Alright, the power supply is blinking so we’re going to have to stop.
Pray for us.