And we laughed and laughed so very hard.
You may not have been aware, what with all of the All ObamaCare All the Time coverage, but a bunch of sniveling Greenpissers got their dreadlocks in a wringer when they decided to “peacefully protest” Arctic drilling by illegally invading an oil rig on September 18. You know, the kind of adorable antics that those slackers get into all the time, after which they bask in the warm glow of martyrdom if they’re lucky enough to be briefly detained for breaking the law and their own imagined “heroism” in trying to prevent hardworking men and women from making a living.
They just made one tiny miscalculation in their latest excellent adventure: The oil rig in question belonged to Gazprom, Russia’s national oil company.
So instead of a slap on the wrist and umpty-seven interviews on every media outlet in the world dumb enough to praise them to the skies they got, well, read it yourselves:
Moscow (AFP) – Greenpeace crew members detained in Russian jails for two months over their open-sea protest against Arctic oil drilling are “close to shock” over their conditions, a rights activist said Tuesday.
The 30 detained are being held in pre-trial detention centres in the cities of Murmansk and Apatity, which are nearly 2,000 kilometres (1,250 miles) north of Moscow and above the Arctic Circle.
All the charms of Siberia with less of the warmth. The charges? Glad you asked:
Greenpeace activists detained in Russia for a protest against Arctic oil drilling will be formally charged with piracy on Wednesday, the Interfax news agency said.
If found guilty, the 30 detained activists could face a maximum punishment of 15 years in jail.
“They will be charged… (with) piracy committed by an organised group,” Interfax quoted a law enforcement source as saying on Tuesday.
15 years in a Russian slammer for piracy? Priceless! You’re looking at learning very much up close and personal what petukh really means, darling retards. Doesn’t it just suck when actions have consequences?
“Many of them are in a state close to shock,” [Irina Paikacheva, the head of a state-connected regional prisoners' rights watchdog] told AFP after visiting the prisoners. “They had never expected that they would face such consequences for their peaceful protest in a democratic state.”
Ahem… Allow us to point out that whereas Russia may, technically speaking, be a democracy, it’s not exactly your granddad’s democracy.
Not that it matters. Trespassing on private (or state-owned) property with the intent to disrupt operations is illegal no matter how you look at it. It’s just that these spoiled brats had become so accustomed to never ever having to actually face the music for their criminal acts thanks to limiting their activities to the territory of pussified nations who only punish some individuals for breaking the law that they thought they were entitled to getting away with criminal activities scot-free.
The foreign detainees are struggling to make themselves understood since virtually none of the prison staff speaks English, she said.
It’s, ahem, a Russian jail, you morons. What did you expect them to speak? Senegalese?
One of the activists has consulted a psychologist.
Not the best idea in the former Soviet Union, but we’re sure it’s going to work out wonderfully for you. At least it’s not the psychologist consulting YOU, if you know what we mean. Things have changed for the better, apparently.
Several of the foreign nationals have been placed in cells with Russians even though this breaches Russian law, Paikacheva added.
We won’t argue there since we don’t know Russian law, but perhaps it would be more humane to separate them from the Russians. After all, whatever did the Russians do to deserve being locked up with a bunch of whiny, entitled brats?
Several non-smoking activists also complain of being placed in cells with chain-smokers.
Oh the HORROR! Somebody call Amnesty Fucking International, right NOW!
“They, they threatened us with 15 years in a foreign prison and, and then… and then they… [cracks up] …they made me inhale SECOND-HAND SMOKE! [breaks down sobbing hysterically].”
Greenpeace spokesman Aaron Gray-Block said in e-mailed comments that several of the detained activists “need prescription medication”.
Ran out of psychotropics already?
“A number of others are taking over the counter medications such as paracetamol for problems such as mild arthritis and back pain,” he said.
That’s acetaminophen or Tylenol, in case you’re wondering. Are they trying to tell us that they can’t find any of that in all of Russia? Seriously?
A young Finnish female activist is a vegan and unable to eat prison food, Paikacheva said, adding that prison officials had denied her request for vitamins to be delivered to her.
And no specially cooked to order vegetarian meals either??? Next you’re going to tell us that the potatoes aren’t organically grown either. What IS that place? AUSCHWITZ???
This will not stand! Send in the Airborne, right this fucking MINUTE!
Under Russian law, prisoners have to hand in their watches and wear shoes without laces. The Finnish activist lacks a thyroid gland and needs to take medicine regularly — hard to do without a watch.
We’re happy to help. Here’s your first Russian lesson (you’ll have 15 years worth of more lessons when you’re done, all free of charge): Kotoriy chas? (What time is it?)
Yes, contrary to what you might believe, Russians actually do know how to tell time. They have electricity and stuff too!
Excuse us while we wander off, laughing hysterically.