Dude, Where’s My Northwest Passage?

Oh giggle, oh snort, oh guffaw, oh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Angry Web Master, LC & IB, brings our attention to an article of pure hilarity that ought to put a smile on everybody’s face.

The naïve advice of ardent activists can kill. Last spring, Paul Beckwith of Sierra Club Canada predicted that the Arctic seas would be ice-free ice this summer. (So did Britain’s BBC network)

And ManBearPig and just about every other Moonbat ignoramus on the planet buying into the Glowbull Wormening Scam.

This exciting adventure opportunity attracted a variety of yachts, sailboats, rowboats, and kayaks owners to try sailing the fabled Northwest Passage.

“Fabled” is right. In the exact same sense as the “fabled unicorn”, the “fabled fountain of youth” and the “fabled honest politician.”

As in: Doesn’t bloody well exist!

But who can argue with such scientific luminaries like Seminary Dropout Al Gore and gaggles of idiots like the Sierra Club?

As a former sailboat owner I can understand their excitement, but my heart aches for the agonies they now face.

Ours don’t. Stupidity isn’t free, it comes with a price, and when it’s stupidity in the face of mountains of facts to the contrary stubbornly ignored by the stupid morons finding themselves stuck with the tab, our heart doesn’t ache in the slightest way. Nope. It’s called natural selection. Every once in a while a species has to weed out its dummies in order to preserve itself.

The Arctic sea ice suddenly expanded 60 percent this fall, after the coldest summer in the modern Alaska temperature record. The passage is now impassable. More than a dozen of the boats are trapped, apparently even including a group of tiny American jet-ski “personal watercraft” that were attempting to cross from the east coast of Russia to the North Atlantic. Arctic observers are now warning that even Canadian icebreakers might not be able to rescue them.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Seriously? Our heart is supposed to ache over a bunch of terminal morons trying to bloody JET-SKI through the fabled Northwest Passage, a feat that has been met with failure and, yes, death numerous times in the past in spite of the best efforts of actual professionals with the best equipment they could procure?

Really?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Don’t despair, though. We’re sure burning their approximately 3,000,000 copies of Earth in the Balance ought to keep them warm for a while at least.

Helicopter rescues on Arctic ice are incredibly expensive, involving hundreds of miles of flying by copters and crews expensively maintained in that icy and sparsely populated region. Additionally, all the lovely boats become write-offs.

OK. We have to admit: Our heart DOES ache for the boats. It is hardly their fault that their owners were born with brains small enough that they’d rattle around in the skull of a mosquito.

The boaters ignored major warning signs. The planet has not warmed appreciably in at least 15 years. NASA told us in 2007 that thePacific Ocean had shifted into the cool phase of its 60-year cycle and that fact predicted cooler winters until 2030.

Of course they ignored those warning “signs” of no warmening for the past 15 years. What do you mean? Their high priest and prophet of the warmening, ManBearPig himself, assured them that they’d be able to surf, tan and drink pina coladas on the north shores of Canada this summer. Who are they to doubt the single most brilliant seminary dropout to ever grace the planet with his divine presence???

Most concerning of all is that the costs of an Arctic sailing mistake are horrendous. Wonderfully preserved hulks of sunken explorers’ ships litter the sea-bottom around the Northwest Passage.

And now they’ll have the hulks of some very expensive jet-skis added to them. Wonderfully preserved too! Why, it will be a treasure trove. An underwater monument to stupidity.

It’s just a pity that we’ll have to dig through so much damned ice to see it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thatisall.

26 comments

  1. 1
    Eric Praline growls and barks:

    our heart doesn’t ache in the slightest way.

    But my sides do. :em05:

  2. 2
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    Oh giggle, oh snort, oh guffaw, oh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Hard to improve on. :em05:

  3. 3
    Tallulah growls and barks:

    Jet Skis???

    JET SKIS????????????

    HO-ly CRAP.

    Okay, they win the Darwin Award going away!!!! http://www.darwinawards.com/

    Thanks for posting this: the massacres in Kenya and in the church in Pakistan (over 80 Christians murdered) have me thirsting for vengeance.

    As far as global warming is concerned, I rectum they’ll have to work the Cow Farts angle extra hard. I mean, since Hypothesis #83, that the oceans, despite not showing any temperature rise, are somehow Hiding the extra degrees (yes, this has “seriously” been put forth by a UN bozo masquerading as a scientist as a theory; without, as even he admits, any EVIDENCE for it). :em05:

    This all reminds me of the Cargo Cult in what, New Guinea? in the Second World War: Natives noticed the White Man brought down these huge metal “birds” from the skies by putting strange things (radio earphones) on their ears and making gestures. So they cut coconuts in half and tied them onto their heads with liana vines, cut sticks to wave around, and stood by clearings hoping to conjure these strange birds out of the sky.

    That’s exactly how much grasp our Liberal Asshats have of Facts and Engineering and Science and stuff. Besides, “math is Hard!”

  4. 4
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    Just think of all those poor hungry polar bear cubs that could have starved to death. Now they will have plenty of fresh moonbat meat to eat.
    :em01:
    :em05:
    :em05:

  5. 5
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    Tallulah @ #:

    Okay, they win the Darwin Award going away!

    They aren’t dead yet and they are still capable of reproducing, In order to be a contender on the Darwin Awards, they must:
    A) Die childless in a pointless and stupid manner
    B) Destroy their reproductive ability in a pointless and stupid manner
    :em03:
    Check back on them in a month or so and see if they have frozen to death or had their nuts freeze off,
    :em05:

  6. 6
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    PLEASE tell me they will be asked to pony up for the expenses :em05: :em05: :em05:

  7. 7
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    You, Just. Can’t. Make. This. Stuff. Up!!

    The thinning of the herd, all the feeble and infirm and Terminally Stoopid. Propped up by Science and Technology, the Lemm-tards go right ahead and jump off the cliff because they “believe” the words of the Head Lemmings (AlGore and crew).

    I’d mount a rescue effort IF they paid cash in advance, Brendan

    :em05: :em01: :em05: :em01: :em05: :em01: :em05: :em01:

    My sides hurt.

  8. 8
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    There was a yacht company (Nordhavn) that had one of their boats attempt the Northwest Passage a few years back, as part of an attempt to circumnavigate North America. Don’t know if they ever completed it or not. I do remember that they got iced in on occasion, however.

  9. 9
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    angrywebmaster says:

    Just think of all those poor hungry polar bear cubs that could have starved to death. Now they will have plenty of fresh moonbat meat to eat.
    :em01:

    I’m worried those poor cubs will get food poisoning.

  10. 10
    Library Czar growls and barks:

    Most concerning of all is that the costs of an Arctic sailing mistake are horrendous. Wonderfully preserved hulks of sunken explorers’ ships litter the sea-bottom around the Northwest Passage.

    Maybe they should have read up on Sir John Franklin before embarking on this foolish adventure.

  11. 11
    LC Scott growls and barks:

    OK. We have to admit: Our heart DOES ache for the boats. It is hardly their fault that their owners were born with brains small enough that they’d rattle around in the skull of a mosquito.

    I disagree, Those “poor” boats should have burned themselves to the ground upon seeing that much stupid buy them.

    At least the polar bears wont starve.

  12. 12
    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd growls and barks:

    One of the more memorable moments of my life occurred when my wife, my son and I were driving from Anchorage to Fairbanks. I’m no stranger to the woods, but as I glanced off to the west from the highway, it occurred to me that if I walked off in that direction, it would be a solid 400 miles before I got to the coast, and with little chance of seeing another human along the way.

    If you’re going to enter a wilderness like that you’d better the fuck know what you’re doing.

    The Arctic is even less forgiving. A friend was practicing up in Barrow and he related the story of one of his predecessors. The guy left on his quad to go visit a village… and vanished. Neither his body nor his quad were ever found. At least he had a respectable reason to be out on the tundra, for all the good it did him.

    My sympathy for these “adventurers” is exactly zero.

  13. 13
    LC Ogrrre growls and barks:

    Some more mirth and hilarity from the Great White North: some assholes from Greenpiss, in an attempt to protest natural gas drilling in the Arctic Ocean, approached and boarded a drilling platform. Nothing new from these butt nuggets, right? Well, it turns out the platform was owned and operated by Gazprom, a company owned by the Russian government. Can you say “Uh oh!” Sure. I knew you could. The Russian Coast Guard has seized the ship Arctic Sunrise, and its crew, and took them to Murmansk. According to the Russian Investigative Board (think the FBI on steroids), the 30 watermelons were charged with piracy, and could each get a 15 year prison sentence. :em05: The only downside is that the 30 fools were Russians, Canadians, and Britons, with no Americans involved.

  14. 14
    irish19 growls and barks:

    Library Czar @ #:
    Speaking of which, I got your Northwest Passage right here.

  15. 15
    LC MaxMomFL growls and barks:

    I so needed that laugh. Thank you. I’m willing to venture a guess that these cretins will still cling religiously to their irrational beliefs in MMGW and carbon footyprints and the transcendental wisdom of their profit err….prophet, Algore. Realty just never seems to be enough for these hardcore believers. Only God can knock open a coconut that hard.

    On the up side, enough of these sensibility challenged folk get the itch to attempt these treks and we might see a real Northwest Passage created in the form of a sunken bridge. It could be the one we eventually march all the commies across to join their fatherland on the other side. Just…thinking out loud.

  16. 16
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd says:

    If you’re going to enter a wilderness like that you’d better the fuck know what you’re doing.

    The Arctic is even less forgiving. A friend was practicing up in Barrow and he related the story of one of his predecessors. The guy left on his quad to go visit a village… and vanished. Neither his body nor his quad were ever found. At least he had a respectable reason to be out on the tundra, for all the good it did him.

    Heck, you can get yourself killed in my native stomping grounds for that kind of stupid, and you can’t hardly piss without hitting a town there, not to mention that our winters are nowhere near as unforgiving as the Great White North. Sure, it gets cold, but not that cold.

    Still, we have idiots wandering off into The White occasionally, thinking that their woolen underwear will surely keep them safe for the few hours it will take them to get to a warm house, only to be found later frozen to death in a ditch.

    Thing is, those idiot greenie weenies (and assorted city slicking morons of all colors) seem to think that “Mother” Nature is a big, cuddly, loving momma. She’s not. She’ll kill you dead in a heartbeat, given half a chance.

  17. 17
    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd growls and barks:

    Emperor Misha I @ #17:

    No question about it Emperor. Gaia is a Freddy Krugeroid old bitch, “bloody in tooth and claw” as the saying goes.

    My son, at his tender age, has gotten into all sorts of trouble by pointing out that:

    A) “Mother Nature” doesn’t exist, and
    B) The Earth is nothing more than a giant ball of rock smeared with a thin layer of watery worm shit.

    Chip off the old blockhead…

  18. 18
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    Still, among the comments posted on Youtube (NW Passage, Franklin) was this:

    The expedition and events surrounding it are amazing pieces of history that need to be kept alive! In so many ways, they serve as a baseline against which rapid changes in the north can be compared. It’s hard to imagine that a kayak can now navigate the NW Passage given the conditions faced by early explorers.

    Yes, it’s rather hard to imagine now.

  19. 19
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    She’s not. She’ll kill you dead in a heartbeat, given half a chance.

    TELL ME about it.

    Northwest Passage be damned, here we KNOW Nature is out to kill us. :em06:

  20. 20
    Library Czar growls and barks:

    Northwest Passage be damned, here we KNOW Nature is out to kill us.

    And if nature does not kill you Vegemite will.

  21. 21
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    Library Czar @ #:

    And if nature does not kill you Vegemite will.

    And if you manage to survive Vegemite, the Horse Piss known as Budweiser will get you.
    :em06:

  22. 22
    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd growls and barks:

    It’s hard to imagine that a kayak can now navigate the NW Passage given the conditions faced by early explorers.

    It’s hard for him to imagine, because he has no imagination. Assuming natives up that way had a reason, I’m sure they could have made the passage in kayaks and probably did at some point. Of course, they also knew the dangers, were expert in their seamanship and understood how to survive on the ice… and a few of them probably ended up dead anyway.

    (A competing theory of how the Americas were settled by Siberians holds that they made their way down the coast by fishing, rather than walking across a Bering land bridge and hunting down an ice-free inland passage. Either way, these people knew their business.)

    Teh Stoopid is strong with this one…

  23. 23
    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd growls and barks:

    angrywebmaster @ #:

    And then there’s “Potted Meat Product.”
    (AKA Animal Vegemite.)

  24. 24
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    LC Ogrrre @ #:

    Some more mirth and hilarity from the Great White North: some assholes from Greenpiss, in an attempt to protest natural gas drilling in the Arctic Ocean, approached and boarded a drilling platform. Nothing new from these butt nuggets, right? Well, it turns out the platform was owned and operated by Gazprom, a company owned by the Russian government. Can you say “Uh oh!” Sure. I knew you could. The Russian Coast Guard has seized the ship Arctic Sunrise, and its crew, and took them to Murmansk. According to the Russian Investigative Board (think the FBI on steroids), the 30 watermelons were charged with piracy, and could each get a 15 year prison sentence

    Yeah, I saw that, and of course, I just wrote something about it. Not a good week for the Environmetalist Wacko movement. What a shame too.
    :em05: :em01: :em05: :em07: :em07:

  25. 25
    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd growls and barks:

    angrywebmaster @ #:

    Only 15 years for piracy? They got off lucky.

  26. 26
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    LC Moriarty, Imperial Goatherd @ #:Only 15 years for piracy? They got off lucky.

    Yeah, I think they caught the Soviets Russians by surprise. They probably didn’t believe anyone could be that stupid.
    :em06: