#SmartGov

You really can’t make this shit up. Well, you could, but nobody would believe that you hadn’t made it up.

Also, you’d be wasting your time as there are plenty of examples of gummint ignorance and idiocy out there that are not only very real but also enormously more ridiculous and funny than anything that even the most creative of minds could come up with:

The Economic Development Administration (EDA) is an agency in the Department of Commerce that promotes economic development in regions of the US suffering slow growth, low employment, and other economic problems.

Who have since completely eliminated slow growth, low employment and other economic problems, because that’s how super-smart gummint bureaucrats roll. Yet another tireless, super efficient, gazillion dollars program without which the Republic would soon fall to pieces, so if you don’t like them, you hate the children and are a racist too, so shut up and get back to work so you can pay your taxes. But we digress. Maybe their failure to bring about the Utopia of Next Tuesday™ has to do with the problems that they encountered later on…

In December 2011, the Department of Homeland Security notified both the EDA and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) that there was a possible malware infection within the two agencies’ systems.

The NOAA isolated and cleaned up the problem within a few weeks.

Somebody at NOAA must have known how to use Google.

Not so at the vitally important, super smart EDA, on the other hand:

The EDA, however, responded by cutting its systems off from the rest of the world—disabling its enterprise e-mail system and leaving its regional offices no way of accessing centrally held databases.

Funny thing is that nobody even noticed that they all of a sudden weren’t able to do their jobs anymore which probably had to do with them not having done much of anything ever before. At the low low cost of a gazillion dollars a year.

It then recruited an outside security contractor to look for malware and provide assurances that not only were EDA’s systems clean, but also that they were impregnable against malware.

The outside contractor then, after having had to excuse himself so he could go laugh himself silly for an hour in the parking lot, informed the hapless and clueless gummint blockheads that if anybody were to ever actually come up with a system that was “impregnable against malware”, he’d be sure to let them know. Then he left.

Of course he didn’t. He took the fools’ money and ran with it.

The contractor, after some initial false positives, declared the systems largely clean but was unable to provide this guarantee.

Because nobody can. At least he was honest. But that wasn’t enough for the knuckledragging Neanderthal gummint retards.

EDA’s CIO, fearing that the agency was under attack from a nation-state,

Everybody knows that Russia and China are, at this very moment, furiously employing every cyber warfare weapon at their disposal in a time critical mission to steal EDA’s secrets so that they, too, might copy the roaring success of the Ogabeconomy. Personally, we’d be surprised to learn that anybody outside of the U.S. even knows that the EDA exists, because 99.9999% of Americans don’t. And the rest “work” for the EDA.

But not to worry, America, because those evil, dastardly Chinese and Russian spies will not succeed in their nefarious plans to steal the secret of $17 trillion deficits, 15% unemployment and raging inflation. You see, the tech savvy Einsteins of the EDA are on to them!

…insisted instead on a policy of physical destruction. The EDA destroyed not only (uninfected) desktop computers but also printers, cameras, keyboards, and even mice. The destruction only stopped—sparing $3 million of equipment—because the agency had run out of money to pay for destroying the hardware.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Foiled again, you evil Russkies and Chicoms! Your evil, malware-infected mice will no longer threaten the national security of the U.S.!!!

Rumors that they also ordered their staff to strip naked, paint themselves blue and dance around a bonfire of the burning IT equipment for seven days and seven nights are, as of this writing, unconfirmed.

And all of that at a super low price too!

The total cost to the taxpayer of this incident was $2.7 million: $823,000 went to the security contractor for its investigation and advice, $1,061,000 for the acquisition of temporary infrastructure (requisitioned from the Census Bureau), $4,300 to destroy $170,500 in IT equipment, and $688,000 paid to contractors to assist in development of a long-term response. Full recovery took close to a year.

Yep. The heretofore utterly unknown (and irrelevant) EDA blew 3 million bucks of your kids’ college funds on destroying keyboards and mice suspected of being infected with malware. CHEAP!

And if you don’t agree, then you’re a racist, so shut up!

See? We told you we couldn’t make this shit up.

Let it burn.

Thatisall.

10 comments

  1. 1
    LC Old Dog growls and barks:

    Two outfits involved. One does it themselves and cleans up the mess!

    The other in tried and true DemProg methods turn to Contractors thus guaranteeing a disaster! When faced with the disaster they went scorched Earth Tactics.

    Welcome to Mordor on the Potomac! :em08: :em06:

  2. 2
    Eric Praline growls and barks:

    EDA must have been following the advice of this informational video.
    :em05:

  3. 3
    Libsareb Raindead growls and barks:

    The Russians and Chinese can still hack them because they forgot to destroy the infected speakers and microphones. Not “smart.”

  4. 4
    Rain growls and barks:

    My boss shared the gizmodo link to this with us at work yesterday. We got a good laugh at it, while shaking our heads and wondering at the sheer stupidity. It only reinforced a joke that we have for the way things get done…. Find the easiest, most cost effective way to deal with an issue, then do the exact opposite. Yes, technically I work for the government, in IT. I’m a contractor that does systems/domain administration for the Army. I’ve given up trying to make things make sense, it just gives me a headache. :em08:

  5. 5
    LC MuscleDaddy growls and barks:

    It then recruited an outside security contractor to look for malware and provide assurances…

    …’cause that pay version of MalwareBytes was just too complex & expensive….

    – MD

  6. 6
    LC_Salgak growls and barks:

    Mind you, I do IT Security, AND in the Federal Space, But with the growth of Fedzilla, especially in “security”, there simply aren’t enough pros (Fort Meade and Cyber Command are hoovering up ALL the talent. . .)

    Leaving a LOT of posers with MAYBE as much as a 1-week Security+ bootcamp getting hired as “Experts”. . .

    Teh Stoopid, it Burns, but THIS is like trying to put out a gas fire with several tons of Chlorine Trifloride. . .

  7. 7
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    Please take note that one of the agencies has scientists, the other has bureaucrats. Wanna make a guess as to which one has what?

  8. 8
    LC Gladiator growls and barks:

    OFF TOPIC, but theres no weekend open thread

    Oakland, California’s KTVU pulled an all-time gaffe on Friday when its anchors reported that the pilots of the Asiana 214 flight that crashed at the San Francisco International Airport last Saturday were named “Sum Ting Wong,” “Wi Tu Lo,” “Ho Lee Fuk,” and “Bang Ding Ow.”

    The station apologized for the report, and released a statement: “Earlier in the newscast we gave some names of pilots involved in the Asiana Airlines crash. These names were not accurate despite an NTSB official in Washington confirming them late this morning. We apologize for this error.” The NTSB denies that it ever gives out pilot information.

    :em05:

  9. 9
    LC Gladiator growls and barks:

    Eric Holder to NAACP: ‘I Will Not Allow the Texas Voter ID Law to Happen’

    Attorney General Eric Holder speaks at the NAACP annual convention Tuesday in Houston. (AP Photo/Pat Sullivan)

    (The Blaze/AP) – Attorney General Eric Holder said Tuesday he opposes a new photo ID requirement in Texas elections because it would be harmful to minority voters and told the NAACP in Houston that he will do everything he can to make sure the law doesn’t stand.

    He added the Justice Department “will not allow political pretexts to disenfranchise American citizens of their most precious right.”

    Under the law passed in Texas, Holder said that “many of those without IDs would have to travel great distances to get them — and some would struggle to pay for the documents they might need to obtain them.”

  10. 10
    LC Gladiator growls and barks:

    http://www.usdebtclock.org/

    $17,000,000,000.00 by the 1st week of September