We’ve Got Proof: Australia IS Bloody Well Out to Kill Ya!

His Imperial Majesty has a lot of rules of thumbs for visiting other countries and even more handy dandy flash card reminders of what each country is like. Such as “when in Germany, don’t mention the war”, “France has a million kinds of cheese, none of which are edible by humans”, “don’t ever let a Russian open a bottle of vodka unless you’re prepared to empty it with him”, “don’t call an American south of the Mason-Dixon line ‘yankee’ unless you need dental surgery anyways, no matter how much you think that it just means ‘somebody from the U.S.'”, “don’t watch adult Japanese cartoons unless you’re comfortable with tentacles entering orifices where they most certainly do NOT belong” and “don’t EVER tell a Greek that his tzatziki has a bit too much garlic in it.”

Just to name a few.

And then there’s “when visiting Australia, be aware that the entire bloody continent is out to murder you in gruesome ways. Their wildlife, from the lowliest insect to the cuddliest mammal have only one mission in life, and that is to kill you dead. And that’s not even mentioning their plant life. Or their weather. Or anything else. Except for the natives, perhaps, who seem like decent enough chaps, or maybe it’s just because they’re too busy trying to keep their own country from killing them to bother with the likes of you.

Here’s proof. The following PSA which may or may not be entirely authentic, but might as well be. Just ask Steve Irwin. Oh wait, you can’t. He got murdered by Australian wildlife too, and he was a fucking CROC wrangler!


You have been warned.



  1. 1
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    Koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, Mate!

  2. 2
    Anthony L. growls and barks:

    Can we import some of these to release in the hallowed .gov halls in WDC?

  3. 3

    I’m going with what Anthony said! :em01:

  4. 4
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    Can we import some of these to release in the hallowed .gov halls in WDC?


    Cruelty to animals is illegal :em05:

  5. 5
    LC Light29ID - The Imperial Asshole growls and barks:

    Fucking Koala zombies…

  6. 6
    single stack growls and barks:

    LC Xystus @ #: 1

    That’s just the house salad.

  7. 7
    bruce growls and barks:

    every thing in australia is poisonous of the top 10 most poisonous snakes 7 live in australia.the interior taipan is the most poisonous snake in the world however few people ever see one let alone are bitten by them.more people are bitten by the poisonous funnel web spider or stung by the deadly box jelly fish or the tiny blue ringed octopus.i think that the interior taipan would make a great congressional snake because it is not an aggressive snake and is slow to bite but i believe that the bongo administration would piss the taipan off so much that it would bite all of bongo’s boys.this snake could become a national hero by ridding us of the traitor congress and president. :em05:

  8. 8
    Library Czar growls and barks:

    You sure that is not an Obongo relative? The ears give it away.

  9. 9
    LadyRaven growls and barks:

    Drop Bear Attack Caught on Film! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WD_Nh_rboQ

  10. 10
    Aus_Autarch growls and barks:

    Bah, nothing.

    You do know that we have spiders that eat snakes, right?

    No, it’s not a photoshop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j65i5PDUeT4

  11. 11
    Cougar1978 growls and barks:

    Awesome. I think we need to import some of these deadly furry mo-fos and use em to clear out Da Projects, and other areas with hoodrats and their enablers.

  12. 12
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    Musta been some Eucalyptus on his breath. Or really bad after-shave… :em03:

  13. 13
    LC Gladiator growls and barks:

    A drop bear or dropbear is a fictitious Australian marsupial.[1] Drop bears are commonly said to be unusually large, vicious, carnivorous marsupials related to koalas (although the koala is not a bear) that inhabit treetops and attack their prey by dropping onto their heads from above.[2][3] They are an example of local lore intended to frighten and confuse outsiders and amuse locals, similar to the jackalope, hoop snake, wild haggis or snipe hunt.

    Various methods suggested to deter drop bear attacks include placing forks in the hair, having Vegemite or toothpaste spread behind the ears or in the armpits, urinating on yourself, and only speaking English in an Australian accent.[3][4]

  14. 14
    LadyRaven growls and barks:

    LC Gladiator @ #:13
    Fine! Next you’ll be telling us there’s no Nessie either! :em04:

  15. 15
    Cougar1978 growls and barks:

    Eesh, must be a distant relative fo Travis The Face Shredding Chimpanzee from Connecticutt. Who’d win in a fight over food? Him or Moo-chelle?

  16. 16
    Mark12A growls and barks:

    Don’t laugh about the forks in the hair thing. I’m certain that it worked. They left me alone, for sure. Or maybe it was the massive quantity of four x beer…

    Anyway, I survived Australia. Now, with luck, I’ll be on my way BACK in November or December for a nine-day bike tour…and beer sampling activity.

  17. 17
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    Cougar1978 says:

    Who’d win in a fight over food? Him or Moo-chelle?

    Moo-chelle without a doubt, then she would finish with the poor dropbear.